msdavis760’s BodyBlog

yay its my bday (may 9) and im  now 25! i have a crazy fun weekend planned.. been working out like crazy, getting strong again back into cardio and feeling physically good. my bday makes me miss my stepdad even more, my first bday without him hes in my heart though and im going to visit the cemetary in the morning to say hi

have a great weekend everyone! happy bday to me!

well honestly im still really struggling with my stepdads death.. i dont know if im still grieving or if its turned into depression but im exhausted and still sad but not sad all the time.. i just think about him all the time and i think about watching him die and his funeral and all our memories and all the stuff hes missing out on in my life and it makes me cry.. i still have nightmares and a hard time remembering to eat but im trying.. im back to work full time and my boyfriend and i have been working out together which really really motivates me and helps him learn new stuff and better techniques.. i guess after dating a trainer for 6 months and seeing my clients progress and now that ive lost soo much strength he finally saw that he should be working out with me lol so im sore all over of course and i feel like im lifting like a girl lol but im trying.. i ran 2 miles today and it hurt like hell but i did it.. my lungs suck after not doing cardio for so long and having surgery (ps my throat still hurts) and having pneoumia after surgery lol man i was a mess.. but im tryin to stay strong mentally so i can physically get strong again and feel good about myself… i just gotta do it for my dad at this point.. i know hes lookin down at me..

so im sore everywhere, seriously everywhere lol… i just got the funeral pics developed today from last month because my bf had the camera and then forgot to pick them up for like 2 weeks so seeing the pics set me off into a crying mess.. i guess it just takes time..more time… sigh

yesssss i worked out 4 times last week after nothing for months! i was benching 155 for reps, legpressing 1000 pounds for reps, did shoulders abs, chest back, legs and cardio last week! i just lost my endurance and stamina.. but ill get it back. my muscle memory is awesome! so lets hope i dont get sick again!

so im still coughing and congested but its getting better, i still have a week of antibiotics.. i want to work out so bad, im weak. im going to miami this thurs with the girls for 5 days and i hope to get back to working out and back to being strong again. im definitely at the bottom of the barrel as far as my health and life so im just riding out this pneumonia and then im picking myself up and fighting my way back to the top, i dont care what it takes to get there but i cant live like this anymore its affecting my health very badly and my body is weak and i hate it. i can never get over my stepdads death but i can find some kind of okay medium where it doesnt affect my health and sleep and body this much. i dont want to ignore my feelings because i need to grieve i refuse to run from my feelings or from pain but theres no need for me to keep declining. i have so much to live for and i am happy and i have a great life and im surrounded by so many amazing people who love and care about me… i have to learn to accept the fact that i am a different person and take what i learned from his life and his death and move forward. he saved my life and i wouldnt be where i am today if it werent for him and for that i am forever grateful so now its my turn to make an impact on someone or as many peoples lives as i can… i am very blessed and very thankful for everything and everyone in my life.. **** it we all fall we all stumble we all have hurdles to jump and this is mine, its time to get up and live life again. my stepdad is in my heart forever and we will meet again.

well for over 2 weeks ive been sick as hell and i found out i had bronchitis which then turned into pneumonia so basically im coughing my brains out and im exhausted. im dragging myself to and from work and my mom had surgery so i was trying to take care of her. i havent worked out in over 2 weeks, everytime i get back into it i get sick…fuuuuuuuuuuuck its really frustrating. im going on a girls weekend trip to miami thursday and ill be back monday so by then my pneumonia should be gone or better or at least the cough will be gone, i have antibiotics and in inhaler.. i feel like a fat kid with asthma with my inhaler but whatever it takes…having my tonsils removed was A HUGE MISTAKE! i miss working out

the funeral was tough. it was a military ceremony so the USAF presented my mom and I with a flag.. and they played taps for my stepdad… i cried hysterically the whole time,.. his ashes were in an urn in a velvet pouch on a stand thing in front of us the whole ceremony.. then they took his ashes and put them in the memorial wall at ft rosecrans national cemetary in san diego.. in a couple months his name will be on the plaque and i will go visit.. his funeral was a harsh slap in the face because it was reality and it was like closing the book on his death.. there was no more open ended waiting for a funeral.. hes really gone.. 69 years of life on earth, 69 years of memories, 69 years..and it ended just like that… i hope i can actually start grieving and start healing now.. my heart hurts more than i can even explain and the level of sorrow i feel every second of everyday is deeper than i knew i could endure..and only i know my pain and sadness.. i have so many friends, family and even clients around me who care for me and love me so much, i know ill get through this and i know i have so much support and for that im thankful and very blessed. in my darkest hours i wasnt alone, im not alone now and i wont be alone in the future… i have to believe there is a God and that my stepdad is in heaven and that all that God says about no more pain and nothing but love and joy for those in heaven is true because if i dont believe it then i have no hope to see my stepdad again and i dont want to live my life thinking that… until we meet again..

im still not fully healed from surgery, i got sick last weeknd and threw up for 2 days straight which only aggrovated my throat and caused it to bleed and prolonged healing.. then with the funeral last tuesday i cried so much it didnt help my sinuses and throat either and after the funeral i had trouble sleeping so here i am now with a sore throat still not healed and im losing my voice and ive got a cough that just shreds my throat everytime.. lol i got in one good ass workout last week.. i ran 2 miles without stopping or feeling winded (first time in a month since surgery) then did 20 more min on the eliptical and then did some legwork.. legpress and more balance/stability stuff since ive lost so much strength and muscle.. im still dropping weight.. i lost 7 more pounds from the week before last to now and i know its mostly muscle… im getting called skinny by everyone and its driving me nuts, im not skinny lol.. so im on a mission to get my strength back and at least get close to what i was doing before since i know it wont be the same because ive lost a lot of weight but we’ll see maybe i can get back to where i was and even get stronger… what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger right?

so its been almost a month since surgery and i just spent last night throwing up all night. my throat was bleeding from the force of vomiting and the fact that its still not healed all the way. ive worked out like twice last week and im weak as shit. my dads funeral is tuesday and right now all i care about is getting better so i can go, well ill go either way but i want to be healthy since its gonna be a rough day anyway.. i feel like crap!

damn that was a rough surgery and recovery, i had some complications after surgery, i wasnt breathing on my own.. but i guess thats common. its been like 10 days and im still in pain. my throat has scabs in it. i cant eat solids, i cant yawn or open my mouth all the way and of course i can only eat frozen yogurt, pudding, jello and applesauce and other creamy shit.. im over it i want a salad and some fruit lol. i lost 5 more pounds from it but its all muscle and water weight. i officially dont have any clothes that fit. ive lost so much weight and size NOTHING fits. i even had to buy new bras cuz i lost my D cups.. damnit haha its all good, when i can eat and work out again its ****ing on and im coming back better and faster and stronger and healthier!

i had my pre op yesterday, did an ekg, got blood taken and had my airway and shit checked lol.. my bp was 94/58.. low but thats usual for me. ekg was fine my heart is good.. surgery on the 23rd. ill be knocked out, and it only takes like 45 min and then ill be waking up in recovery and sent home several hours later with someone in my case my mom..

my mom had the funeral day changed to feb 19 because she said she didnt think id be recovered in time for the 31st.. BULLSHIT i would go in a wheelchair and use a megaphone to speak if i had to.. i need this funeral i need closure.. so now im extremely upset and angry and i hope the rest of the family doesnt think its my fault because im having surgery.. my mom didnt even ask me she just did it… shes not ready to accept reality of his death i think.. i dont wanna accept it either but i cant not get closure and i cant live in denial and we cant disrespect him by not honoring his life… maybe im wrong because im so sensitive right now and im so sad but tomorrow is 7 weeks since he died and now i have to wait another 4 weeks… im going nuts! im gonna go work out since i wont be able to for 2 weeks after surgery.. i keep losing weight and muscle and ill lose more after surgery.. but ill come back strong eventually.. i just have to heal my heart and find my new identity in my new life without my stepdad… damn i miss him so much…

GO CHARGERS!