yettamae’s BodyBlog

Ugh has this been a hell of a week. I have been still working out to the tapes. I am just hating the way I look now. I just look so bulky and fat. Once I get back into the gym I am going to stop the two speciality leg days and I might bump up lifting in 15 rep range back to 20. My legs grew half an inch, particularly my quads. I can tell because I can’t fit into any of my shorts and pants. When I was 120 last year I fit in them fine. My quads were 20.5, now they are 21.5! My hips even grew an inch last year it was 33 inchs , now it is 34! Guess incorporating the butt blaster did blast my butt in a Beyounce one! My hubby’s not complaining, but I am dammit! I wish my upper body grew like my legs did! X(So I will have to take a step back and do a total leg workout with emphasis on hamstring and glute area,since my quads are developed. I might devote a day to shoulders. I am going to up my cardio to 4 20 min sessions a week. I am also going to try and start making a a log of my diet. It has been shitty lately with the lack of food in the house and time to go to the store. I am getting stressed and depressed about looking a mess.

This is an rough draft of my workout once I get my fat ass settled and find a gym:

Legs & abs cardio
Chest & Back, cardio
Triceps & Biceps, cardio
Shoulders & abs, cardio

I am so fed up. I feel like I am getting fatter everyday. I still havent got my period yet. I get cramping like I am going to get it but nothing. Stress could be the culprit, too. I am stressed about getting fat in school because I was fat and yo-yod for 8 years while I was in school. I am stress eater, which isn’t good. If I know it’s there my ass is all over it! Another stress is that I am afraid of the unknown with school and this move to Florida. I am never going to live Philadelphia again. I won’t be able to visit my home. Some stranger is going to be living in it or tearing it down and all the memories will be gone forever. I won’t see my dad again. He’s pushing 90 and this may be the last time. Even though we did have much of a relationship, things started to happen after my mother died. My voice is starting to really do a 360 and now I won’t have my teacher anymore. My teacher told me I am going to Florida to network, not to learn how to sing because now I am. I am just scared of putting my trust in another teacher for the fear thet may **** me up like at Temple. My husband will most likely not going with me to Florida, until he gets an official transfer which sucks. Can’t you see how stressed I am. My cortisol levels are probably high, which is probably part of my weight gain on top of my binges with my husband over the stress of the move.

Ugh I need to stop obessing and get a grip on myself. I have been making myself sick because I want to continue to look good and I am not. I need to stop obessing about my ass still not being able to fit into a size 0 and accept that I am still wearing junior sizes just an up grade to a 2-3. I just need to relax, but I can’t. I haven’t been able to sleep and have been trying to think of drastic ways just to lose 5 pounds, so I can’t look and feel like a whale. What the **** is wrong with me? Why do I have be tortured with this horrible obession? Going to Florida doesn’t make it any better. Everyone in Tampa is practically skinny and hot! Don’t even get me started on the implants. Why the **** so I care I have a man, right? Well I guess in the back of my head I am still afraid he will fine them more attractive then me, especially since I seem to be packing on the pounds pretty fast now.

I sometimes wish I was one of those normal skinny chicks that don’t have to do a thing and still be skinny. Maybe I just to need to realize that I will never be that skinny unless I just starving myself, but I refuse to lose all the hard muscle that I worked so hard to build. I just wish I could find a happy medium: being confident and loving myself, instead of being so hard on myself to the point where I beat myself up and get discouraged.. My husband loves me for me even when I am fat, so **** can’t I? God give me strength to get through this. I have been through things that were far worse that this. I want to enjoy life and work on my craft, but not have this little cloud of despair hanging over my head. Make this stop!!!

I suffer from severe depression that comes and goes and BDD. I was clinically diagonsed with severe depression since I was 16. I hate feelin’ like I have no control or don’t have a clue about what I am doing. I am still trying to find myself and figure out what works or is right for me. Yes, I have come so far and it’s would be silly just to quit or continue to act this way, it could just be all the events that are going on my life and just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s true I do love physical fitness or I wouldn’t be busting my ass to try and keep in shape! I guess at times I envy those that don’t have to do what I do to look skinny and they can eat whatever and still look hot. I just think about food a gain a pound. Especially since I am moving to Tampa, where is everyone is partically hot and has fake boobs. And I hear the Figure girls are tough competition. It’s like a requirement to have fake boobs and about 90% are juicing which is encouraging I hate that I am getting fustrated with workouts feeling like I am not doing enough or questioning if I am doing too much. OH I dunno. But I am doing this not for the awards, but for the reward of knowing how far I have come. I just have to keep telling myself that. I am building my body for life and I know it’s a lifelong commitement. I think I just need to suck it up and deal with it. Not try and beat myself up and call myself fat all the time when I eat crappy because it doesn’t make the situation any better. I just make myself more depressed. I have also been wearing baggy clothes to hide my body like I used to when I was fat. I wore sweats and baggy pants on a regular basis when I was fat. I didn’t want people to see how big I was. My confidence is like so low. I even go to the gym late, so I can avoid people. I just don’t want them to see me and she how puffy and not in shape I look now. Everyone say I look great and wish that they could look like me. I just don’t see it. Maybe it’s all in my head. My one friend who is a bodybuilder said that I just have to learn how to adjust my eyes to the offseason physique. Some say I should go on meds. I refuse them. They don’t work. In the past they mad me fat and more depressed. I saw my mother go through it when them and personally I don’t think she even needed them and she was normal in my eyes. The best therapy I found was prayer. I just have to take my burden’s to the Lord and leave it there. the Lord only puts us in obstacles that we can only handle. Hopefully I will get out of this funk. Good things are going to come to me. I just know it. I just have to put my faith in Him and realize that image isn’t everything and I should be blessed to have my health and loving and supportive husband that loves me now just as much as he did when I was fat…

Ugh I have been suck in a rut lately. I have really been going through it. I am feelin’ discouraged and depressed already and I don’t even have a show coming up for a while. I have this huge fear of fatness and have been eating like a pig. I am already at my offseason weight and I am stressing. Everyone tells me I look fine and wish they could look like me, but I don’t see it. I think I look like a blow fish. There is also alot of things going on with me moving to Florida, selling my house, leaving my voice teacher and dad, etc. I feel like I don’t know what the **** I am doing with workouts and hate what I see when I look in the mirror. It’s gross. My thighs are so jiggy and fat now. I have heard some competitors go through this post competiton blues. I know we can’t be hard all the time, but I am so afraid of becomming fat again, it’s making me sick. I find myself hungry all the time and I have increased my calories and I have been binging when I go out and have been wanting to drink more. I don’t know what to do about it. I have been trying to go back to take diet pills to keep my weight down,so I don’t gain too much. Maybe it’s all in my head. I hear it is a common thing. The bloat has gone down, but my belly is still round. I just think it’s my body shape. I am such an apple! My husband things I am overtraining certain body parts and I am becomming obsessed with the gym. I feel like I can’t miss a workout or I am going to get fat. What to do?

The pangs won’t go away…especially at night. What to do!I have been Chitosan with Glucomannan at night to help me stay full because I get the munchies for some reason. I still find myself still hungry even though I am eating more. Is this because my metabolism is still jacked on no? Any thoughts? I have had the post competiton blues and feeling fat and bloated because of all the water retention my belly is holding. It looks like I am 4 month literally! I have been severely depressed and I find myself picking. I am so afraid I am going to wake up fat again. What to do! Is there anything I can take to stop these hunger pangs and/or lose this water retention?

The vaction was rough. I almost quit, seriously. When I was at home, I didn’t go out to bars or restaurants on vaction, so I could keep focus. I had no choice on vaction. It ****in sucked being the only person sober in a bar. On some occassions I just went to my room and slept, when everyone else was drinking. When everyone was eating pizza and wings I went to the other side of the room on eat my broccoli, salmon, and brown rice. I was deeply depressed. The kicker was the last day I snapped when a whole tray of barbaque wings was put in my face. My husband started laughing at me and I totally flipped out on him at the table. I had to apologize, but that was the last straw. I was tortured the entire trip, but everyone understood how I felt and I had alot of willpower and determination to do what I am doing, so I survived without competely losing my mind and I still managed to maintain my weight gaining a little water weight, but not severe. I stuck to my guns, but in the future I am doing shows only two weeks apart and if there is vaction coming up I am not going to diet during that time because it’s a mental nightmare. I think some of my water weight came from stress and depression! I have been dieting for too long and I am getting tired, hungry, and crack. I am so looking foward to nice long offseason. A little under 2 weeks to go…10 days to be exact.

I need to vent to again. I am getting really discouraged right now. I hate this up and down rollar coaster. I swear I am like bi-polar or something! One day I am actually feeling confident and others I feel like shit. I hate that I think I look like shit and feel fat. My nutritionist thinks I look fine and she says she thinks I am almost show ready, but I feel like I should be looking better than this 3 weeks out. I also have doubts about my suit looking good on me. But can’t not wear it……it has a special meaning to it and it’s too late to try and order a new one without it costing an arm and a leg for shipping. Also my hubby would kill me because he thinks it looks fine and it is a great color on me. He also knows that there is something special about it, too. I can explain it, but you might find it strange, but oh well I am blogging, so here it goes. The day of my show last year the orginial suit that I was going to wear at the last minute didn’t fit me because I lost another 2 pounds that morning. I was a frantic mess! Besides it not fitting the bikin bite went right through it and ruined it. Thankfully there was a little Expo at the show and there was a vendor who was selling suits. My mother-in-law picked out a suit, which was powder blue and it fit me perfectly! As I thought back on the experience and put two and two together. The day I was going to Scraton I nodded off on the bus going up and saw my mom, who died two years ago and she gave me a big ol’ hug in the dream. I then realized that my mom sent me the suit. When my mom died she was buried in a powder blue dress, the same color of the suit! Out of all the colors on the table why was that one picked it for me. You see, my mom sent it to me, so I can’t not wear it, it’s a special. You can believe what you want, but this is not the first time my mom has helped me out, so I know she is always with me even though she is not here in spirit. Some other things happened, too, but I rather not get into it. I hate feeling like am going to majorly suck because I couldn’t give this contest prep my 100% because of conflicts with work and graduate school auditions. Why do I deserve even to place, when there were other girls that busted there asses like everyday. Believe me I busted my ass, too, and I wanted to quit several times, but I have gotten this far with my conflicts and Lord puts us through obstacles that only we can handle. The Lord has given me such strength and determination to psuh forward. I have to do this. I am NOT a quitter! I have to keep telling myself this.Ugh…why I am in this funk that wouldn’tgo away. It’s eating at me deep down inside. I wish this demon would go away. there are so many emotions about alot of shit, not just this contest prep, but prep isn’t making it any better. I feel like I am going to totally and utterly embarrass myself. Why, should I feel this way? I am not a quitter, I am so close and worked hard amoungst all the problems I had to face….getting a new manager position, being foced to work 12 hour shifts because of lack of coverage, traveling and trying to stick to my diet auditioning for graduate schools (having 6 to 7 containers of food on top of a duffle bag of clothes isn’t no fun), being rejected from 5 out 7 (good news though I have been accepted to 1, but still waiting on another…with that the problem is I will have to leave my husband if I go to either school one being two to three hours by bus, the other 2 hours by plane and I have to go to school! I don’t want to leave him. he’s all I have and I don’t want to be alone, but if I pick Florida then I will have some family down there his sisters an uncle who leaves close, but still I will be away from him. Jerry is my everything!), lack of getting to gym, but I still did manage stick to my diet throughout. I did get down to 111 pounds,smaller than I was when I was a week out and I 3 more weeks to go, so anything can happen. Oh I dunno; I am just feeling so down right shitty right now. I need some support and hug. I don’t even think Rocky can get me through this one:(

Graduate school auditions are finally over, so now I can focus on training for my two shows. Out of the 7 schools I applied to 4 rejected me. I sent in 3 pre-screenings and all 3 of them rejected me without even giving me a live audition. Hell what do I expect….I am applying to the best music schools in the world. They expect perfection and nothing this, which I am far from. I am a work in progress, but not polished…maybe one day:( I am so majorly depressed right now. If I do get in to any I will feel like such a failure. The school I really wanted to get into I gave the performance of my life. This was truely the best I ever sang and felt. I was confident as hell and wasn’t a nervous reck like I usually am and I didn’t even make the second round. I can say I did it with confidence and grace, though. How discouraging! I have been so drained these last couple of weeks with my new manager promotion that has been a blessing as well as a curse. Hiring as well as firing. Ugh! I have been sticking to my diet, but haven’t been able to get in the training time, which sucks. I feel fat and I think I look like shit right now. Yeah, my clothes and boobs are looking like pooh, but I am upset with the fact I have been such at 115 for like 2 or 3 weeks now! I was so depressed one day that I got the really bad urge to binge on shitty food at any of the nearest fast food joints near my house to make me feel better because I was so depressed, but I didn’t. I felt like dropping out of this show, but I am not a quitter. I am going to do this dammit! The Lord only puts us in obstacles that we can handle, so this is a test of my test of my strength and determination right now. I have been through worse things, this should be a piece of cake right? Don’t laugh…..I then I ask myself what would Rocky do in this situation? Think Eye of the Tiger….Eye of the Tiger.