yettamae’s BodyBlog

I need to vent to again. I am getting really discouraged right now. I hate this up and down rollar coaster. I swear I am like bi-polar or something! One day I am actually feeling confident and others I feel like shit. I hate that I think I look like shit and feel fat. My nutritionist thinks I look fine and she says she thinks I am almost show ready, but I feel like I should be looking better than this 3 weeks out. I also have doubts about my suit looking good on me. But can’t not wear it……it has a special meaning to it and it’s too late to try and order a new one without it costing an arm and a leg for shipping. Also my hubby would kill me because he thinks it looks fine and it is a great color on me. He also knows that there is something special about it, too. I can explain it, but you might find it strange, but oh well I am blogging, so here it goes. The day of my show last year the orginial suit that I was going to wear at the last minute didn’t fit me because I lost another 2 pounds that morning. I was a frantic mess! Besides it not fitting the bikin bite went right through it and ruined it. Thankfully there was a little Expo at the show and there was a vendor who was selling suits. My mother-in-law picked out a suit, which was powder blue and it fit me perfectly! As I thought back on the experience and put two and two together. The day I was going to Scraton I nodded off on the bus going up and saw my mom, who died two years ago and she gave me a big ol’ hug in the dream. I then realized that my mom sent me the suit. When my mom died she was buried in a powder blue dress, the same color of the suit! Out of all the colors on the table why was that one picked it for me. You see, my mom sent it to me, so I can’t not wear it, it’s a special. You can believe what you want, but this is not the first time my mom has helped me out, so I know she is always with me even though she is not here in spirit. Some other things happened, too, but I rather not get into it. I hate feeling like am going to majorly suck because I couldn’t give this contest prep my 100% because of conflicts with work and graduate school auditions. Why do I deserve even to place, when there were other girls that busted there asses like everyday. Believe me I busted my ass, too, and I wanted to quit several times, but I have gotten this far with my conflicts and Lord puts us through obstacles that only we can handle. The Lord has given me such strength and determination to psuh forward. I have to do this. I am NOT a quitter! I have to keep telling myself this.Ugh…why I am in this funk that wouldn’tgo away. It’s eating at me deep down inside. I wish this demon would go away. there are so many emotions about alot of shit, not just this contest prep, but prep isn’t making it any better. I feel like I am going to totally and utterly embarrass myself. Why, should I feel this way? I am not a quitter, I am so close and worked hard amoungst all the problems I had to face….getting a new manager position, being foced to work 12 hour shifts because of lack of coverage, traveling and trying to stick to my diet auditioning for graduate schools (having 6 to 7 containers of food on top of a duffle bag of clothes isn’t no fun), being rejected from 5 out 7 (good news though I have been accepted to 1, but still waiting on another…with that the problem is I will have to leave my husband if I go to either school one being two to three hours by bus, the other 2 hours by plane and I have to go to school! I don’t want to leave him. he’s all I have and I don’t want to be alone, but if I pick Florida then I will have some family down there his sisters an uncle who leaves close, but still I will be away from him. Jerry is my everything!), lack of getting to gym, but I still did manage stick to my diet throughout. I did get down to 111 pounds,smaller than I was when I was a week out and I 3 more weeks to go, so anything can happen. Oh I dunno; I am just feeling so down right shitty right now. I need some support and hug. I don’t even think Rocky can get me through this one:(