Progress Picture Depression
I am truly mortified by my own body. I know that this journey will take me down roads that I do not wish to travel and I will learn things about myself that I never knew, however taking pictures of myself to update the progress on my bodyspace was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was easier to jump out of a plane the very first time, than to talk myself into taking off my shirt and allowing a picture to be taken. I am mentally exhausted and need a nap!!! HA HA HA!!
I know that I should be happy that I have just lost 90lbs or so, but I am disgusted that I had this much weight to loose. I still have another 40lbs to 60lbs to go, depending on the ratio of fat to muscle lost. I seem to be averaging 1lb muscle loss to 10lbs of fat. I don’t know if this is good or not, but I am satisfied for now. Ignorance is bliss after all.
I started this odyssey at 310lbs@46%bodyfat. That breakdown is approximately 167lbs of lean body weight and 143lbs of fat. That means that half of my weight was fat!!! I think those where the numbers that scared me into getting serious about my diet/lifting schedule. I now know why they call it a fitness lifestyle. I am usually an upbeat and happy person and it takes a lot to get me down. I don’t really see anything as a failure but a success of the incorrect result. For years I mastered the art of eating to be fat. I give myself a standing ovation, I proved that theory correct. If you eat what you want, how much you want and skip meals when convenient, and exercise just for the sake of exercising, you will force your body to become fat just to stay alive. I proved that it is true, so see I have saved you from experimenting on yourself. Now I have challenged myself to prove how to get the body to burn fat and retain muscle. HA HA HA!!! Yeah right!!!
I am now at 220lbs@19%bodyfat. That breakdown is approximately 178lbs of lean body weight and 42lbs of fat. I still do not like to look at myself in the mirror nor allow pictures to be taken. I guess I treat myself like a zoo gorilla, no pictures and please no sudden movement and you’ll be ok!!! HA HA HA!!! My own body has been my biggest disappointment and I have kept it hidden for years. I would go as far as wearing a tank top while swimming so nobody could see that I am fat and not muscular. I am facing fears that I forgot that I had. Don’t get me wrong….I love me!!! I think I am an enjoyable person to be around and a true and sincere friend. I just hate what I have let my body become. Hiding under big shirts isn’t for me anymore.
My issue is that after loosing 90lbs I still look the same. Taking pictures for the sake of progress has depressed me more than I thought it would. Writing this blog helps. I realize that my goal is to be 200lbs@9%bodyfat. That would breakdown as approximately 182lbs of lean body weight and 18lbs of fat. At my current rate of averaging 1lb muscle loss to 10lbs of fat that would put me at approximately 178lbs of lean body weight and 12lbs of bodyfat. Which converts to 190lbs@6.25%bodyfat.
WOW!!! That even surpasses my initial goal. Hey Now!!! That would be a 120lbs weight loss transformation. I will be that Handsome Hunka ManCandy!!! I am recharged again, thanks for allowing me time to vent and readjust my focus. But I am still embarrassed by the photos.
November 27, 2007 at 3:47 am
Now you know your doing great. I hate taking the pictures to but they really do make you stay focused. When I posted mine I was ver embarassed but the encouragement I got has helped me to stay strong. I know I have friends willing to cheer for me when I reach my goal. You do too. Stay strong. Your doing great.
November 27, 2007 at 4:04 am
You might think it’s going to take years for you to reach your goal but stop to think about how many years it took you to get in the shape you were before. I joke with people that it took me 23 years to lose my baby fat! I literally haven’t been this size since right after my twins were born and they will be 24 in April. All of those years of unhealthy eating habits and little to no exercise caused that delay and you don’t turn a train around overnight. There are still days that I look at myself and think that I haven’t changed a bit - everything still seems as out of sorts as it always was even if it’s smaller. But don’t let that stop you - you are doing great my friend! Keep up the good work!
November 27, 2007 at 4:06 am
Don’t focus on the negative aspect of it. Use what you are feeling instead to help motivate you and bust your ass in the gym to get there. You can do it you are already on the right path, just maintain what you have now.
November 27, 2007 at 10:59 am
Oh boy, I know *exactly* how you feel. Exactly. It’s been how I felt my whole life. Sometimes the journey seems soooo long, but I just have to take it one day at a time. But in any case, I am *really* proud of your progress so far. And also give yourself a pat—you’re eating rations, for goodness sakes! Imagine what’s going to happen when you have adequate nutrition, can do cardio, rest and you’re not in a stressful environment.
November 27, 2007 at 10:19 pm
I know progress pics can be scary at sometimes. I still take some that I will *not* allow people to see , just for my personal record. Just keep up the good work and go for the gold
November 28, 2007 at 6:21 pm
You have done an amazing job! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Keep it up and before you know it you will be at where you want to.