willdernessgirl’s BodyBlog

Well, I’m back after taking almost a week off from the gym.  I feel guilty but I think I needed the rest.  School is kicking my butt and I’m really gonna need to figure out a way to get my workouts in earlier in the day because going late (i LOVE going late) is really messing with me … I’m just plain not getting enough sleep.

This week was also a pretty down week for me emotionally.  Just had a few things come rushing back in a big wave of pain … so I sort of shut down and stopped wanting to take care of myself.  I was on "survival mode" if you could even call it that.  I really need to work on NOT shutting down when things get hard - those are the times when I really need to FOCUS on taking care of myself rather than withdrawing and just existing … blah.

Anyway … now I have some days to make up at the gym.  I sort of have a bad habit of sabatoging myself and I don’t want to get off track and then give up and end up heading back to the place I came from.  I’ve lost 35lbs so far and my body is really starting to change … I’ve worked too hard to let a few bad days derail me.

Anyone out there reading this?  If there are … how do you stay motivated to keep on when life kicks you in the gut??

… And I’m still here!!!

I started school this week and it really tested my resolve to continue working out.  I have been soooo tired and I’m sure my workouts suffered a bit for it … but I still went - even when I didin’t want to.  Last night was the worst - shoulders (my least fav body part to work) and I was so exhausted from the change in routine … I’m amazed I got thru the workout.  I think with the new school schedule I’m going to have to re-arrange the body parts - shoulders at the start of the week when I’m feeling rested and energetic, and legs at the end of the week when I’m completely spent.  ugh.

On the plus side, tomorrow is a rest day.  YAY!!

Oh … my tummy is NOT happy with me.  Went out with the girls tonight and while I knew I was allowing this as a "cheat night" my tummy just CANNOT handle crap food anymore … I should have known to pace myself … I started off safe enough with homemade veggie soup at mom’n'dad’s but then had buttered popcorn (at least give me credit for not eating the whole bag) and then went out for drinks (two mango/strawberry daiquiris) and appetizers (oh … too bad for me to mention) … I could have so done without the food … it was the time with "my girls" that was important … and now my tummy is very upset with me.  Oh … where are the TUMS???

Next girls’ nite out I need to have a better, healthier plan of action.  *GROANZ*

Well I’ve never been one to like weighing myself … I tend to get really obsessed over the "number" and so I’ve only ever used the scale as a gauge to measure weather I’m losing weight, and try not to be obsessive about it (I used to compulsively weigh myself several times a day so now I limit it to once a week MAX).  I have to admit though, that the last time I weighed myself, I was disappointed that "the number" hadn’t gone down at all.  I knew I was probably gaining muscle and that was accounting for the number staying the same on the scale - I said in a previous blog entry that I can see my legs and arms getting leaner - so I didn’t allow myself to "throw in the towel" and just kept on doing what I was doing … trusting that I was working hard and eating right and it would show in some way, shape, or form … eventually.

I know, I know, I really need to take some measurements and I’m going to work on that this week - really I mean it this time LOL … but up until I get those measurements done, I’ve only had the scale to measure my success.  Or so I thought …

I have been really noticing this week that I’m definitely getting stronger.  Today was a HUGE day for me in that department … it was back, abs, cardio day, and I definitely FELT stronger.  I increased the weight on all of my back exercises and while I increase every week, this week I just felt like I NEEDED to increase the weights or they’d be too light.  Every other week, I gradually increase the weights but have felt like I was really pushing - this week felt soooo much easier.  I was actually able to lift a 35lb dumbbell while doing DB rows - probably not a huge weight for the seasoned women on here but for me, it was a GREAT accomplishment.  I was actually hesitant to try the 35s and was SO proud of myself when I was able to lift them and do a fair number of reps.  YAY ME!!!  I found the same thing with abs today too - time to change up my ab routine I think because I’m not feeling it anymore - I’m getting BORED rather than struggling to get the exercises done.  Sure, I could do more of ‘em … but as I said, I’m getting bored, so I’m gonna try a few different ab exercises next time.  Heck, even cardio was a breeze tonight!!  And my legs were killing me from my leg workout the other day … but an hour of cardio just flew by and I was having to really work hard to keep my heart rate up.  I could have (and would have) done more if the gym wasn’t closing.

So … I guess my point to all of this is that I was right in not fretting (do ppl even use that word anymore?) about the scale - the number will come down eventually, but what really matters is that I’m getting stronger and that can only be good where fat loss is concerned … and I didn’t need the scale to tell me any of that!!!!  YIPPEEEE!!!!!

Okay … I just do NOT know how to get thru to my mother!!!  I can only do so much.  I can’t avoid the woman … but I swear she either doesn’t have a CLUE, or doesn’t CARE how hard I am working to change my body.  She CONSTANTLY offers me food that I cannot and do not want to eat!!  If I didn’t know any better I’d think she was purposefully trying to keep me fat.  I know that isn’t it because I know she’s proud of me when I lose weight … she mentioned again tonight that she could tell I was losing weight.  So WHY oh WHY does she continue to make it so difficult to say no???

The woman cannot take "no" for an answer.  Tonight we went out and I was starving after the gym (they sort of stopped by and took me out before I had a chance to eat after the gym) and when I mentioned I was hungry, she kept offering to buy me food from the snack bar at the place we were at.  I kept telling her no, that I would get something when I got home because there wasn’t anything healthy avaiable at the snack bar … it’s hard enough to say no when you’re famished and your tummy is growling and you can smell the food … so THEN she proceeds to buy me nachos and cheese … *sigh*  I lost the battle of wills when it was right in front of me … and while I know it’s not a HUGE, horrible irreversible binge, it just drives me nuts that she just does NOT support me in the way I need to be supported.  I would have been just fine until we’d come home and I would have cooked something healthy … but NO … she just doesn’t GET IT … not at all!!!!

It’s so frustrating that I can’t seem to get her to at least respect the fact that it’s HARD for me to say no to the things that tempt me … so going and buying it and offering it to me when I’m already hungry is just … well … it’s just cruel.  Again, I know she’s not doing it with bad intentions … but she just doesn’t realize how hard I work and how things like that set me back.  And this isn’t the first time … it’s just the first time I’ve given in … had I been able to eat before we went out, I wouldn’t have had a problem … but every single time I’m around her, she’s offering me CRAP to eat … and it’s usually foods that I love.  I know my weaknesses … I’m not the kind of person who can have "just one" of something I love.  I avoid them all and I’m better for it.  I don’t crave crap if I don’t eat it and it’s not easily accessible.  Best thing I ever did for my diet was to move out of my parents’ house … out of sight, out of mind is the best remedy for me with crappy food.

So now, I’m sitting here frustrated wishing I hadn’t eaten that crap - I know it’s not the end of the world … but I’m still faced with trying to figure out how to get her to "get it" … my father gets it … he NEVER offers me stuff he knows I can’t have.  My mother does it ALL the time.

GGGAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Well I have a few things to rant about today …

First, I missed my workout yesterday because I’m a buttmunch and forgot what day it was … by the time I realized it was Saturday,  it was too late to go to the gym - it was closing in 20 mins.  I’m really starting to think that the universe is plotting against me … I’m so committed to 5 days a week at the gym, but every week, there seems to be one day where something (or someONE) out of my control challenges my resolve by trying to keep me from my 5 day a week goal.  I feel like I’m constantly chasing that fifth day, trying to make it up … *sigh*

Let’s talk about Christmas, the food, and the fact that my mother (love her but she drives me nuts) just has NO idea how hard it is for me to lose weight.  See, my Dad is very supportive … but my mom, she just doesn’t get it … she can eat whatever crap she wants and still remain relatively trim … my Dad’s side of the family, however, have all struggled with weight … so he gets it and really tries hard to support me.  So here I am … trying to eat healthy and going to visit my family where there are all the temptations in the world on a regular day, and now there’s Christmas baking, and turkey dinner with all the stuffing and potatoes … oh my FAVOURITE meal (I did allow myself some treats, and I’m proud to say I didn’t go overboard on treats or dinner this year)  … and then on top of it all still trying to get to the gym with my mother saying "oh well, it’s no big deal if you don’t get there today" …. YES, YES it is actually.  I LITERALLY work my ASS off at the gym … and I HAVE TO … and that’s just when I’m eating right … so now, I have to burn off some treats in addition to my regular workout, so thanks mom … but ya … it IS a big deal if I miss the gym today.  I wish she could understand how hard I have to work … and that for me, the hard work is constant … I can’t really take a break from it … and I don’t want to.  I’ve managed to avoid temptations of the chocolate (and other) kind at my house by just keeping it "out of sight, out of mind" … but I swear, finding something healthy to eat at my parents’ house is next to impossible … and it takes all of the willpower I can muster to say no to the goodies I find while looking for good food in that house.  I guess I’m going to have to start packing my own meals to bring over … *sigh*

Today was shoulder day at the gym … I think I’ve mentioned how much I HATE shoulder day … I’m sure it was used as some sort of medieval torture for thieves and murderers in days of yore … I’d better start seeing some nice shoulder development soon because I tell ya … the only way I get through "shoulder day" is to get mad at my shoulders and push thru the exercises, telling myself it WILL be worth it eventually.  I know, it sounds crazy, but I really do get pissed off … every time.  Seems to be working as far as getting thru the session … hopefully it’ll also pay off with nice, shapely shoulders soon …

Now, my next rant … I’m very frustrated with my weight.  I’m not losing any … and yes, I know that I’m gaining muscle and that is the reason the scale isn’t showing a weight loss, but c’mon man!!! I only had 7.5 lbs to lose to meet my goal for Jan 1 and there is NO WAY that’s gonna happen now.  I’m soooo disappointed.  I really wish that I’d taken measurements when I started so that at least I could have SOMETHING to show that I’m still making progress … I can see changes in my legs and arms most definitely … and people are asking if I’ve lost weight, so I know that my hard work is paying off in other ways, but I’m the kind of person who hates to set a goal and then fall short … and that is what I’m going to have to face in a few short days … I’m not going to meet my goal … and it’s the first one I’ve set so the fact that I won’t meet it is that much harder to accept.  Blah … I’m trying not to let it bum me out but I can’t help it … would love some words of encouragement … if anyone is reading this …

Okay today is the 2nd day that I’ve really just not felt like going to the gym.  I have to nip this in the bud … I was pumped to go last night but today when it actually came time to go, I just didn’t want to go.   I’ve been trying to think about what has been different the last couple of days and I have a couple of theories but I’m not really sure what is going on … once I get to the gym, it’s taking me a lot longer to get into the groove of things but I do still feel great after I’m done and I’m always glad I went …

The last couple of days I haven’t been sleeping well - I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep and while I’m tired when I go to bed, as soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain is going a mile an minute and I’m wide awake.  I can lay there tossing and turning for HOURS.  I was up until 4am both nights and then when I did fall asleep, I was getting up intermittently.   I went thru a bout of insomnia like this about a month ago … not sure if it’s tied to my "girlie stuff" or not … time will tell I guess.  It’s not like I’m stressed about anything … my mind is just racing with silly thoughts … weird.

I’ve also noticed I don’t have much of an appetite the last couple of days.  I’ve had to remind myself to eat … AFTER the gym is a completely different story … I could chew my own arm off I’m so hungry … but I’m wondering if maybe I’m not eating enough of the right stuff before the gym and maybe my lack of motivation is really a lack of energy??

As I said previously, I’m finding it taking longer to get into the grove of the workout … usually it takes me about 5 mins before I get sort of "pumped" and focused on what I need to do … but the last two days I go thru my entire weight routine and a good 10 mins of cardio before I even get to the point where I feel I can stand to go on.  I’m forcing myself to do the workouts because I know I’ll be disappointed if I don’t give my all and do this for myself … but it’s odd that the motivation seems to be waning … I hope it’s a phase because without the motivation from myself, there is no one to really push me to get to the gym.  My sister could take it or leave it … and my friends and family don’t seem to get why this is so important to me … so I’M the one keeping myself in check and ensuring I get my time in at the gym …

UGH!!!  Where is that gusto I had just a few days ago??!!

HELP!!!!!

Well tonight was the first night I actually didn’t feel like going to the gym … not sure why … just felt lazy I guess.  I made myself go … I decided a while ago that I’m the only one that I can count on to keep promises that have been made to me … so … I intend to do exactly that.  It’s time to put myself and my health FIRST … no one else will.

Once I got to the gym, I had a great workout and was so glad I went.  I am always so amazed at how the first 5 mins or so I think "oh I can’t do cardio today" LOL … and then once I get going, I could go all night.
I’m really starting to see major changes in my legs … (of course my stomach isn’t showing any change and that is the spot I’d really LIKE to see major change *sigh*) … it’s so exciting to see the changes in my body again.

I’m also seeing some biceps and triceps peeking thru on my arms   Actually, I can see changes everywhere EXCEPT my stomach … I know eventually it will get smaller/leaner but it’s frustrating to see my legs and arms lean out and still see this stomach bulging out … I look so disproportionate right now … LOL   Not that this is anything new … I’ve always gained in my midsection first and lost weight there dead last …  One thing’s for sure … I’d BETTER have some serious abs under all that fat cuz I’m working my abs 5 days a week and I’m really pleased that they are actually stronger than I thought they were.

I really wish I’d taken measurements so I could actually see how much my legs have changed since I started.  I’m going to try to take some measurements tomorrow if I can find something to measure with … (where IS that measuring tape???)

Can’t wait to go to the gym tomorrow!!   Nitey nite!

I’m so proud of this new found self-discipline!  I got to the gym again tonight and had a GREAT workout … legs, arms, abs AND cardio!!  I’m always amazed at how fantastic I feel after a good workout … I just love that feeling. I swear I could go for hours once I get started.

I’m a little frustrated with the scale today though   Only lost a pound since my last weigh-in and I’ve be working my butt off and eating healthy … I’m thinking that the weight probably wasn’t accurate since I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning on an empty stomach, and this was midday after eating lunch … so I’m not going to let it get me down.  I don’t have a scale so I have to weigh myself at my parents’ place … so I kinda gotta take it when I can get it.  Even if it IS an accurate reading, I’m thinking it’s probably muscle and I’m not gonna complain about that. I’m definitely seeing weight loss in my face and my legs … I’m going to have to take some measurements so that the scale isn’t my only guage.  I hate the scale anyway …

Hopefully the next time I weigh myself I’ll see some more weight loss … BUT … I still can’t wait to go to the gym again … depending on how sore I am tomorrow … it’ll be tomorrow or Monday for chest and back.

:D

Was sooo pumped for a good workout today … unfortunately, I realized today that my sister is nowhere NEAR as motivated to make a change as I am … she wanted to leave after only a half hour … so I only had time to do my cardio and some quick abs …in her defense, she’s having some health issues and wasn’t feeling well … but that doesn’t make it any less disappointing for me that I didn’t get my full workout in.

It’s definitely time to start counting on MYSELF and not her … I just explained to her the other night that I want to do 5 days a week at the gym … and I needed enough notice if she wasn’t going to go so that I could take the bus in town … and so we made plans to go tonight … and while I give her credit for going when she didn’t want to go … it didn’t serve my purpose at ALL tonight … I was supposed to do Cardio, Abs, Legs & Arms … and now I’ve got legs & arms to try to make up tomorrow and Sunday in addition to my workouts for those days.

It is VERY frustrating because I love my sister dearly and I so badly hate to upset her or make her feel bad … but I have to really start thinking about what I need to do in order to see the results I want to see in my body … and that means taking my workouts seriously.   I can’t allow myself to feel bad for wanting to stay at the gym and keep my promise to myself.  I realized tonight that I’m just going to have to get there by myself and as I told her the other day, I’ll go with her again later if she wants to do cardio and I feel up to some more cardio when she wants to go …

I’m a people pleaser and it’s really hard for me to put myself first … but it’s that very characteristic that has me back here trying to lose weight I’d already lost - I was too caught up in other people and how their lives were going and I lost focus on myself and gained everything back that I’d worked so hard for … this time I have to realize that my goals and desires are just as important as anyone else’s and if this is what I want for myself, there is no one but myself to blame if I don’t make it happen.

I just hope my sister isn’t going to be angry with me … clearly I just can’t put myself in a position where my workouts are based on someone else’s desire (or lack thereof) to make it to the gym.

*sigh*

So tomorrow, I’m going to get to the gym myself and take as long as I want to make sure I get MY workout done the way I want to get it done.