Sixtoo

I can almost do a proper right bicep curl. It has previously been a huge struggle because the muscles in my right arm just wouldn’t motion correctly to twist around and curl up and it was very hard. (I have nerve and muscle damage in my right arm and slightly dislocated shoulder. Have had it all my life because of a birth injury.)
I’ve been working it on the curl machine so that theres a cushion to help rest my elbow on to support the form and movement. It burns alot in the right arm whenever I curl the weight, but I’ve been pushing through it until it can’t do anymore. Yesterday I tried to curl while standing with elbows to my side, no support, and for the first time ever in my life I could do it! It wasn’t perfect but it was near perfect. I’d say about 98% correct. I’m so happy!

It’s a great feeling to overcome an injury and do things people tell you you never could do, or things I thought I never could do. Today I’m going to work a bit on my shoulders. I wasn’t doing shoulders at first because of the difficulty, but I don’t enjoy the off-balance and how sloppy my right shoulder looks compared to my left so I’d like to correct that the best I can. I know it will be hard but I also know I can push through it and overcome. Mind over matter, right?

I’ve been MIA from this thing and have had people ask me what the deal if. Life has been hectic for me lately, I have a lot going on right now, a lot of stress so I haven’t been as diligent with my training as I was before. I’m praying everyday that I make it and am now turning back to the weights and machines to relieve my anger and frustration.

It’s amazing how much you lose in a month. I’m out of shape. I got on the elliptical and did high resistance and after 15 minutes I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest and sweat was pouring down my body. How pathetic lol. I’m going to work on that though I’ll stick wit 15 minutes this week, increase to 20 next week and so on and so forth until I hit about 40 which I eventually want to do twice a day.

Closing in on my second month of training I had started feeling a bit despondant and disappointed in myself. My weight had increased and I didn’t see any noticeable changes in my physique, so I started feeling horrible about myself.

I had began tweaking my diet and working harder to make up for my "Failure Month", but despite my short comings I decided to take my measurements and progress photos on the 22nd like I always do.

I was surprised to see that while my weight has remained the same, I have lost 2 1/4 inches and saw noticeable differences upon close inspection of my progress pictures. Really this is a bit short of my 4 lbs, and 4 inches of my first month in but its still progress moving into the direction that I want to.

Many a time I thought about giving up since "obviously" I was never going to get it right no matter what I did or how hard I worked, nor was I going to meet the goals that I dream of, but I kept at it because I’ve never gained anything in life before by being a quitter. Now I’m even more happy and motivated because I did continue on my journey.

To anyone who is reading this, never give up and always take pics! Rely on them and measurements more than the scale or the naked eye. It will really help and give you a more accurate overview of your progress. I see so many people here who weigh themselves daily or weekly and without seeing any movement on the scales start questioning themselves or the lifestyle they’ve decided to commit to. Very deceiving.

Ok, that’s the end of my late night/ early morning babbling.

I took a weeks hiatus and it was nice. First few days I found myself sleeping easier and in better spirits, last 3 days or so I found myself getting/feeling lazy and my sleep becoming more unfulfilling. Hmmm.

Started up with cardio yesterday doing HIIT, and did weights today. Man it kicked my ass. Feels like I haven’t done it in ages. Switched my diet to low carb which is going good. The main thing I see myself doing wrong is not getting enough water. I’m correcting that though.

Today was cardio day and I worked and pushed myself as hard as I could. Came out looking like this

Time: 34 minutes

Distance: 2.47 miles

Calories: 325

I’ll use this as a chart from now on for what goals I need to reach everytime I perform cardio. Also have to work on busting my ass everytime I pick up a weight. Been cleaning up my diet and being a little more strict. It’s not perfect but I’m working towards getting there.

Typically when I sit back and think about my goals and how I’m working to accomplish them, I critique my work ethic and the final result is usually "Damn I’m not working hard enough", but then moments later I ask myself "Well, could I really work any harder?"

When I meet with my trainer twice a week. I can see how I’m slacking some and I immediately try to correct it. But there are some days where she stresses my body so much that my limbs end up feeling like jello, by that time those last few reps are near impossible to push out. I finish, but I never finish strong, I finish with failure. Which depending on how you look at it probably is good. But in retrospeck I always end up thinking "Damn I could’ve finished those harder .. do better next time" But it seems to be a cycle, I become pooped and always say "Next time."

So now I’m fighting with myself. Am I really just being weak? Yeah I want to be tired, but shouldn’t I finish like a champ? Make every rep count? I’m trying to get into the psychological mindframe during the duration of my workouts. I’m going back to the gym tonight and test myself. I’m going to push hard and see if I really am capable of finishing strong. I just don’t want to be a slacker or coast through this journey, I’ve been there and done that before. I want to really work my ass off and proudly be able to say that, not just bodybuilding but all areas of life.

I’ve been struggling with feeling down in the dumps the past couple of weeks. I’m just convinced I’m not making much progress, if any at all, and that things aren’t moving along at the rate they should be. I keep getting this voice in the back of my head that’s telling me "You’re never going to reach yours goals. You’re going to be miserable and chubby for the rest of your life. Just accept it and deal with it. The body you desire is just unrealistic for you." It makes me continuously strip out of my clothes and observe my body infront of the mirror and notes that nothing has changed, I’m still disgusting.
I just can’t stop thinking about it or fighting this voice.  But inside of my heart there’s a weaker voice that says "Yes I can. Stop thinking that way. I’m not going to give up." This sounds corny doesn’t it? At any rate I haven’t given up, I listen to the little voice, but the meaner one is making me feel so down and depressed.

I’m not supposed to measure myself until April 22, but I did anyway.  Since 3/22 I’ve lost half an inch from my stomach. WTH is that voice talking about? I’m doing fine

Now I sound like a schizo .. lol!!

Today I kinda really dragged ass in the gym. First I was late meeting with my trainer because I overslept. I woke up in the middle of the night with my allergies going haywire and drugged myself up to get some sleep and woke up RIGHT AT the time I was supposed to meet with her. It was just so hard to open myself and pull myself out of the deep sleep I was in. I felt bad I could tell she was a little upset. Out of the hour we’re supposed to work together, we only got about 40 minutes in.
Afterwards it was tough for me to do cardio. My glutes and hammies just felt so sore that I couldn’t put any effort into the elliptical doing resistance so I just hopped on the treadmill and walked a mile, barely broke a sweat. Felt kinda cheap.

I’m going to eat, go back to sleep to rest up and then go back later tonight and have more of an intense workout .. I just can’t sit easy feeling like I didn’t accomplish anything training wise.  I have to feel like every day I’ve put my all into it and have made step by step progress.

Did as I said I would do. I dragged ass to the gym after work and stayed until 1 am. Did the same balls to wall training that my trainer would make me do until I was sweating and out of breath. I also made myself wake up early today to catch up on my morning cardio workout. It was hard I was so sleepy and still am, but everythings all good now. That’s the sacrafice we have to make, right?

 Did deep squats, lunges and worked with the weight machines on my hammies and quads. My calves are starting to look like chicken legs to me, but then again I was flexing them in the mirror and the muscle looks more pronounced .. hmm perhaps I just lost fat in them? Not too sure yet.

Diets been more on track. I was running behind dealing with computer issues and had to eat my lunch late and didn’t get time to fix any mid-meals to bring to work. I did grab some protein bars to snack on my breaks, aside from my full lunch and when I get home I’ll have .. something I’m not sure yet.

I’ve been feeling crappy lately. I keep getting the feeling that I’m not progressing the way I should be or as much as I should/would like to. I did take my measurements and weight on Thursday and I am down 4 lbs and 4 inches from last month, but physically I just do see it. Weather is getting hot here so I walk around wearing only shorts and every time I walk infront of a mirror I am compelled to stop, pose and inspect my body for change. I don’t SEE anything, but I guess one inch all around isn’t something that would be too noticeable. I’m just trying to get a grip and continue on. I’m giving myself 5 months to get at least halfway where I want to be. I know if I keep working hard and stay dilligent with my eating that I will get there. I look forward to next months progression report.
Diet has been off the past three days. Haven’t been eating too much, something like 2 meals and a bunch of mid-meals. Sunday night I get sick at work, my throat felt horrible and I didn’t feel like chewing chicken or steak so what did I do? I went to McDonalds, ordered fries and ate them. They were the only thing that sounded good to me at the time and now I feel like such a failure. I know that realistically I hadn’t eaten that much when calories come to play, but mentally I feel like a failure who gave in to temptation. What’s done is done and I must continue past it. I am happy to say that it tasted like crap and I am officially over McDs

I skipped out on my personal training session this mornig because I didn’t feel well due to cramps. I took asprin and slept it off so I feel fine now and will not let how I felt this morning be an excuses to hold me back. I will make a late night trip after work to complete my cardio and resistance training.