Wendy’s BodyBlog

Today is a better day already. I am still tired (thanks to a 4.7 quake last night followed by many aftershocks), but on the upside, I am not exhausted and feeling depressed to boot as I was yesterday (exhaustion and feeling down usually go hand in hand for me). AND i had a great workout today. AND it’s a gorgeous day outside, so I will have to take advantage of that! summer is slowly on its way!

Today was also the first day that someone actually talked to me in the gym. Usually it is me in the free weights area with a bunch of men who talk to each other, and I am usually too into my own thing to start up a conversation. Ok, and a little intimidated. I’ll admit it. It’s still odd to me to be one of the very few women in the free weights section and who is lifting heavy! Today one of the men actually struck a conversation with me and I ended up telling him about the comp coming up in September. He told me that I am looking good! It’s always nice to hear that!

I think I really need to work on some self love. I feel like I have taken a real beating this semester with school and some personal stuff going on. At any rate, my self esteem and confidence is not where it should be.  Some people on this site are extraordinarily positive and motivated, and that really inspires me. One woman wrote that of course she believes she can do anything she sets her mind to. I unfortunately can’t say the same for myself, that I believe in myself that much. And why not? There is no reason not to believe in myself and yet there is that hesitation there. Intellectually I know this but I don’t feel and believe it. And that lack of belief I can’t help but to think that it really holds me back from even starting things in the first place.

It’s interesting how much preparing for this comp has really made me look harder into myself. I have run a 50 mile race in the last year and still that lack of self confidence in there.  For that, I just trained for it and did it. I knew I could do it. Maybe it is because this type of training I am doing now is really a lifestyle change. It is also VERY different from anything I have ever really done before. Literally everything we do as competitors or aspiring competitors is about the competition–how we train, how often, what we eat and when, how much we sleep. It is EVERYTHING! I will have to do more reflecting on this. I don’t really have a choice other than to reflect.

I don’t know WHAT my deal is but I have been sleeping ALL DAY! And when I am not sleeping, I am VERY tired! Of course, last night I went to bed WAY past my bedtime, then got up around 5:30 AM to hang out with my bf for a little bit (he works graveyard). Also, there have been a LOT of earthquakes these last couple days where I live, so of course I wake up to every single one. I did manage to get up  and  do my hour portion of Relay for Life. My friend did not show up, so I ran about 4 miles around the track. That made the time go by a little faster and at least I feel like I accomplished SOMETHING today. Hopefully tomorrow I will be bursting with energy from all of this sleeping–that is, if an earthquake doesn’t wake me up!

I am SUPER tired (is WELL past my bed time!), but wanted to write quickly. Today was legs day, and I really pushed myself to lift heavier than I have. I figure that so long as the weights go up during the month, then I am doing good. That is just what happened today. I squat more than I ever have, used more weights on the leg press than previously. I also really pushed myself to do box jumps with a 30 pound barbell over my shoulders, which terrifies me–what if I fall face first with the barbell?! But no, I concentrated on what I was doing and while the jumps were very challenging, I did land every one. I also noticed that if anything DID happen (heaven forbid), and I did not make the jump, then I would fall back, not forward. For some reason, falling back seems a lot safer.

I am really loving this program I am on. I tend not to push myself hard enough when I come up with my own workouts, which is why I need an online trainer! But this program really challenges me, and I love AND need that! I also noticed today as I was doing Bulgarian lunges that in the front leg, as I was pressing up, was a lovely V right above my knee!!! LOVE THAT!!! Now if I can only be disciplined enough not to crash my own diet, I would be able to see that lovely V ALL THE TIME!!! So yes, am still struggling with food issues, and I HATE THAT! Training is easy for me, but the eating is HARD! And it doesn’t help that I get down on myself afterwards. Need to focus on the positive!

My mood has improved recently which also helps. I have a job for the summer that will pay well (finally!), and have a pretty good idea of what thesis project I want to do for next school year. Also, have resolved a relationship issue (he will most likely be transferred this summer) and while that blows, I am also relieved to know. Makes planning a little easier. Maybe as these other pieces of my life are falling into place, focusing on the competition will be easier!

I came across this theory in my studies one day, and thought I would post it here…more for myself than anyone else. But it is also for those I see on BodySpace who beat themselves up about eating poorly (this includes me) or not exercising enough.  The stages of change model is most often used to describe recovering from addictions, but it also applies to any lifestyle change (which I and many others on BodySpace are attempting!).
The stages of change includes five stages: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation,  action, and maintenance. In the first stage, one is not considering change. These people may seem resistant to change as well. With the contemplation stage, people are beginning to become aware that they do want to change but are still a little uneasy with the whole idea of changing. These people are really debating the pros and cons of change. It is not until the preparation stage that people make a plan to change and have a true intent to change. They may read up on the change they want to make or seek advice, but do not really take any concrete steps. We finally see change happening in the action stage. This is when the person really attempts to make that lifestyle change. Maintenance is just that–maintaining the lifestyle change. People in the maintenance stage are less likely to relapse or go back to old habits. They really believe in themselves at this point.

What is important to note about the stages of change is that change is NOT linear. Relapse is expected. It is normal to hit that bottle of alcohol or eat that piece of chocolate cake or even the whole dang thing. By relapsing, we learn from our mistakes. What was going on that led us to go back to our old habits, and is there a way that we can better manage the feelings/thoughts that led us to relapse?

At any time within the stages of change, someone can go from one stage to the next, and yes, that includes going "backwards." Someone can be in the action stage, have a relapse, then say, "I tried; it’s not working for me", and go back to precontemplation or contemplation. This is because, again, change is NOT linear. Lifestyle changes are HARD. We are learning something that we have never known or have not known for a very, very long time.  It is normal to question every step of the way and to doubt our own ability to succeed. These are all normal, healthy feelings.  We did not learn to walk in one day, and we certainly are not going to be figure divas, bodybuilding kings, or elite runners in one day either. Do not stop and keep moving forward! Most importantly, LEARN from your mistakes!

i did eccentric pullups today. some people call them negatives. my first time doing them, and oh my! i did 20 on my first set and could only manage 10 on my second set. my lats are ALREADY sore… they feel MUCH bigger already, LOL! don’t i wish!

and while i was working out today, i caught a glimpse in the mirror (don’t usually spend too much time checking myself out…like many women, i tend to focus on what i don’t like about my body) and for the first time, i thought i looked more muscular! which of course pleased me. then when i was doing bicep curls, i noticed that my veins were popping. i like that! these positive changes give me motivation to keep working hard!

These last couple days I have had the intense need to munch and have been VERY tired and not sleeping well. You know the bit–tired as heck, go to bed, and all of a sudden, your mind starts racing. That’s been me pretty much all this week. And yes, I have succumbed to my urge to nibble and no, I did not nibble on veggies or chicken. Carbs, sugar. The usual. And then yesterday, my lady friend started early. Well, that explains a LOT! Made me feel better. At least there’s an explanation for all of this, not that I am crazy or just being plain ol’ bitchy.
My bf has started complaining about his "gut" which he doesn’t really have. I swear, the boy is more obsessed than me about his weight and body fat right now. He joked about it on and off for several hours last night, which made me feel bad for him, even though he said he was just kidding. Boy, can I sympathize with that. Anyway, he is a runner and mentioned that that is why he runs–so that he can eat anything he wants.

I can see the logic. I do think, however, that the things we eat tend to catch up with us. Or, age catches up with us, and suddenly we can SEE what we have eaten on our bodies (regardless of running for miles) and we can SEE the lack of exercise on our bodies. All the more reason that I love lifting and eating clean! I’m not 30 yet, but am definitely getting there. Things aren’t so easy to maintain as they once were when I was 20… Ah, to be young again…

Yes, today was cheat day. Went to Macaroni Grill to get eggplant parm. Plus, I LOVE their bread! AND I had dessert, tiramisu. Well, now after all of those simple carbs, I am TIRED and really want to sleep. Though I did enjoy the meal, it was a little disappointing. Not in the taste or anything like that but that I had looked forward to it ALL week, and when I finally had it, well, it really wasn’t worth all that much anticipation. I’m not explaining it very well. There are things more well worth looking forward to than food. Maybe I’m finally starting to break my crazy relationship with food? We shall see.

what do you know. i am actually eating clean and have been all this week! i’ve eaten only whole foods, mostly lean (except for the PB and good oils). ok, there was that andes mint, which i regretted eating when i did, not because of the whopping 20 calories or whatever but because it was so disappointing. i wanted something a little sweet, but it’s not good chocolate and tastes really sugary. so when i went home, i ate a few almonds with raisins, and that hit my sweet tooth. yum! i think what helps for me is having a good cheat meal–knowing that come sunday, i can eat whatever for one meal. even i can last six days if i have that end in mind… and what else helps is seeing that other people on this site have trouble with eating clean–i’m not the only one who succumbs to mom’s cooking or those few homemade cookies offered to us by friends or who binge from time to time. we’re all normal and human! maybe clean eating isn’t impossible after all!

it may be a little ambitious of me, but i really want to place in my first show. i know that training for figure for six months may not be the ticket for that, but i’m willing to try. i am not sure when i went from just wanting to compete to wanting to place (probably when i decided to switch from fitness to figure). at least in the top ten! of course, there are a lot of factors that i can’t control such as who else will be in the competition, how many girls, what the judges are looking for. maybe it’s that i don’t want to be the girl who people are wondering why she is up there. does that happen? i don’t even know. i think that’s my insecurity with the whole thing. i want to be viewed as a serious contender. maybe because it’s hard for me to view myself as such?
i know i’ve mentioned this before, but it still is something that i struggle with. and that is the general lack of support i feel for my wanting to compete, and not only that to be strong physically (and look it!). and while some may be supportive, i don’t feel like they are really, because it’s more like, oh, that’s great that you want that for yourself but don’t get too big. and what does that mean, too big? and i am pretty small anyway and always have been. i don’t think i can get huge even if i tried. besides that, i can’t help that i find the look of a strong woman sexy. i LOVE the leanness and the muscle. i really haven’t told many people because the replies are usually negative. and i know–ignore those fools–but it’s hard sometimes, especially when i think our society as a whole looks down on women who have any size at all–whether it’s in muscle or body fat. and as much as i want to have lots of sexy muscles, it’s still there, and it always will be there.
another random thought: i’ve been having a hard time lately with school and work and finances (thanks to being in school, argh!!!) and … well, life stuff. i am really disliking the graduate program i am in (and i am also a research/graduate assistant there, so i am around it ALL the time!!! will not be doing that next school year!). just have to suck it up and get through the dang program!!!  anyway, over the past couple days, working out seems like the only thing i have to look forward to. that being said, i killed legs today. lots of single leg exercises for the quads, then i finished it off with some hill sprints (on the treadmill of course)! AND i can finally squat and deadlift my own weight! very exciting. when i was done, i was DONE–there was no way i could get anything else out of me. i actually feel powerful in the gym, like the strong person i know i am, even though my life and how i feel about myself doesn’t really reflect that right now. but, things have a way of working themselves out; it’s just a matter of waiting for things to shift, which they always do.

anyway, it’s off to bed for me… and almost my weekend (which starts on friday!). must plan something outrageously fun this weekend to get my head out of blah…

I am sick AGAIN for the third time this semester! I am usually pretty healthy, but for some reason, this semester is really taking its toll on me. I did end up sleeping a lot today, so am feeling a little better now. No workout for me today. BUT I still had my cheat meal, LOL!  A whole pizza just for me and some chocolate to boot. yummy!  I did make some food for the week–curried chicken (a little too spicy, ha!), wild rice, and sweet potato fries. Back to the gym tomorrow, if all goes well.