It’s a journey…

I want your honest opinions on this.  It’s not an easy decision, don’t get me wrong.  The first time I contemplated it I felt like a failure.  Now…it’s almost necessary.
For those who have checked out my blog, you know that I have lost about 80lbs.  Great yes.  A long and exhausting road DOUBLE yes.  I have the knowledge, have the experience but the motivation is touchy at the moment.  Very fragile.  For the first time in a long time mentally distraught and doing the old "why did I let myself get this way??"  You know…the pity party.  SO thought I was past that.  Motivation seems to come and go.  When the motivation is here, it’s unstoppable.  When it’s gone it’s hard to get back.  I know it’s a journey but you still have to focus on a long term goal, achieved by a series of short ones.  That’s how I got this far.

Right now the long term goal seems very far away and I think it’s going to help me to change my mindset.  The usual tactics aren’t working.
I’ve decided to change it from 150 lbs to 170 lbs.  This will mean there is 60 lbs to lose not 80 more.  I have good reason so please read on before you blast me..lol.  The focus on scale numbers makes me NUTS.  Ever see that commercial in which everyone is walking around with a scale attached to their leg by a chain?  That’s how I feel at the moment.    However at the same time I believe that when you are VERY heavy as I was(topped at 310lbs) the number should move.  Yes you can be changing body composition which is great and is important progress but eventually the numbers have to move, whether it  be weekly or monthly.  Also when you have a very thick layer of fat you can’t see muscle, at all.  It adds to the frustration.
So the plan is…

Change long term goal to 170 lbs.  Take the focus off of the big numbers and move forward with the goal to lose 60 lbs.  That’s it, nothing more.  This will not be my final weight obviously but it will be the marker at which I switch from scale monitoring to visual monitoring (of course continuing to take measurements)

By then I’ll see muscle, the ultimate achievement.

As I sit here, pondering the 65 lbs gone with approx 85 more to go, I feel as though I’m halfway to the top of a huge mountain. Too far to turn back, but the road ahead seems so long.  It was an exhausting climb that took me longer than anticipated.  I am behind schedule.
What do you do? Do you suck it up and keep going?  Or do you stop, take a minute to come up with a new approach.

Part of the frustration lies in that I still cannot see muscle definition.   I want to build muscle and see it now…not later!  There is still too much fat.  Ingrained into my mind is that cardio is the only way to get rid of fat so I feel a slave to it.
Something good happened today.  I tried on a dress purchased over 15 years ago, and it was slightly too big.  Not too many women can say they still fit a dress they wore before pregnancy!  I laughed because it fit and because it was a teal bridesmaid dress..lol! It was a size 21/22.  Last time I wore a dress it was a 28.

It’s time to do more self searching.  Clear my mind of what’s past and bring back that fire.

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Something haunts me about this day.  What does it mean?  Why it’s the day I turn 40 of course !   Frightening !  When the hell did 40 years happen?!
This will also be the year I hit "goal"….or at least what I feel is goal.  Goal is not an end but a milestone.  A point where I recognize myself in the mirror again.  A point where I feel the road is not so dam long and the dream not completely unachievable.  A year of change, of growth and hopefully good health for all of us.  There is a sense of urgency within me to have made serious strides in my physique and health before that date.  Why? Not sure….it just HAS to happen.

Age is just a number, that I know…. but it gives me a focal point.  A time line, which is needed to feel as though I’m working towards something.  Kind of like when a runner is training for his/her next marathon.  Sure feels like a marathon.  I will make smaller goals such as walk a 5k, run a 3k, run a 5k and so on.  This will take the focus off of the scale and more on what I can achieve with my body.

What I WILL achieve.

Well it’s time to write in the ol’ blog again.  Apologize in advance if it’s not riveting..lol..but I just need to journal something.(Isn’t that what these things are for?).  Maybe there will be some kind of light bulb moment.
It’s occured to me that I’ve basically lost and regained the same 4-5 lbs since September and THAT is dissapointing.  I thought it was just a temporary bump in the road but the sheer passage of time and the fact that I exercise more than ever these days, tells me it’s more than that.  I’ve been here before back when I lost 50 lbs on Weight Watchers(the start of any scale addicts problem, i mean just look at the company name)…and then proceeded to gain ohhhh…. about 85+ lbs back.  The dreaded Plateau.  It’s right on time actually, why did I not prepare for it?  It’s like going on your second vacation but forgetting to pack your bags.  I started to think I could add back forbidden foods like iffy carbs(don’t get your panties in a bunch I didn’t cut them out entirely but Atkins is the reason I lost the first 30 lbs…some of us just can’t eat that crap and lose weight).  Started to eat "normal food" and protein bars instead of chocolate.  Turns out the one I was eating was just a glorified chocolate bar.  Weeks went by..up and down..up and down I went.

Go ahead say it…just stop eating !  Just start exercising !    Doctors have been saying it for years and we just keep getting fatter so what makes YOU think you have the answer?

I believe…

Obesity is not just a disease, it’s a mental illness.

That sugar is the enemy, not fat.
The heavier you are, the more easily your body gains, retains..and re-gains.

The heavier you are, the more messed up you get in the head.
The heavier you are, the harder it is to see yourself any different.

That society holds addicts in higher regard than the obese…because they "can’t help themselves." (think about that one for a minute)

That if crack and alcohol were a necessarily fuel like food, addiction would be a HUGE epidemic.
If you help the mental state of an overweight person, you will change them physically.

Again this is just my rambling, not excuses.  I’m past that stage.  Would rather die on the treadmill than die fat.  Big was beautiful back when I was 20, now it’s just painful.  Just me clearing my head of the constant chatter that happens every time I look in the mirror and wonder, what have I done ?!  You don’t have to agree with it, not asking for your "just get off your ass" comments.
Can you imagine for a minute that you are an addict and your vice is actually a necessity?  That you will die without it and so MANY times per day you have to consume..just a little?  Could you? How hard do you think it would be to "lose" that habit? Oh and on top of trying to control yourself, you have to participate day after day in activities that are exhausting.
So back to what I know….the first step to success or to help someone else succeed, is to help them change their thinking.  ONLY when I CHANGED MY THINKING…did I successfully start to lose.  Making that mindset a habit is the tough part but I always somehow find myself back there and for that I’m proud.
Before you look at an obese person and start making judgments, think. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

I decided in the beginning of July I’d challenge myself to see if I could incorporate regular workouts into my already crazy schedule and to see if I could make them a habit.  I think I did well and want to continue into August.  I could probably use more cardio being I’m still pretty heavy but this is already much more than I was doing before.  August challenge will be to do closer to an hour 5 days.

Ok it’s not the worst thing that can happen but while I was doin’ my Tae Bo on a saturday  night (lame.. i know).  I came back to my computer to find the hard drive was basically fried.  At least i think it is.  It kept asking me for the boot disk so i put my XP system recovery disk and i get a message that says "No Hard Disk Found" and "Cannot restore system".    I’m soo sad, i think i lost everything and i had JUST finished taking recent pictures to post here.

I will have to get here via the work computer until i figure out what to do now.  Sad about my pics too.   To anyone who comments or emails, please be patient..I will get back to you.  I can get on at work but it’s limited as I’m sure my boss won’t like that I’m yapping on the forums during work hours !

Just wanted to add something quick to my space.  I have only been a member for a few days and will fill out all the info in my profile, etc. this weekend.  As well as post my starting picture…whenever I find the darn thing !!

 LOVE it here !  Please feel free to add me as a friend no matter what your fitness level.  I find inspiration in those who are struggling like me as well as those who have experienced sweet success.

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