Consumed by Fear
I have been back in the gym for almost two weeks. Although, I know I am suppose to take it easy until I can really start therapy with the ankle, I am still trying to push it a little. I do not take it to far though. I am doing whatever I can though. But one thing I have noticed, I am not losing a lot of weight, which is no big deal. I do not want it to be like it was before and drop 50 pounds in two months. I am trying to slow it up and do it a healthier way. Also, I am trying to take it easy until I get full clearance with the ankle injury. But I have to admit sometimes when I workout now, I panic. While I am training and things are going good, I suddenly vision my ankle breaking again or hurting it again. I can really visualize this accident and feel the pain. It’s really strange. I feel like I am not able to push myself like I once did b/c I am becoming consumed by fear. I am not saying I want to drop out, I am not saying I am going to drop out, but I am honestly scared to really push myself sometimes. But on that same note I will not give up. I am going to keep on going and keep on building it up until it is stronger than it was before I got injured. I will not allow the injury to stop me, it might delay me but it will not stop me. I know that I am stronger than this and I know I can do it. I have a great number of people cheering me on, wanting me to pull through and keep going. But, they cannot help me. They can only motivate me. I am the only one that can do the work and get past this. I am the only one that can beat my fear until its nothing anymore. I just wish it were easier to get over. It really bothers me. One night while training, I had a great workout until I did something and I just imagined my foot hitting the floor and it twisting and breaking. I felt the pain all the way through my body and dropped to the floor. I was wearing my splint so my ankle could not have gotten injured, but I swear it felt so real. Why must I be consumed of the fear of it happening, even when I know it will not? I know the only way to get over it is to keep working through it. I really have to think though about this, why does fear consume us. Why do we fear anything? Nothing is scary if you can see through it. The only true thing to fear is fear itself, so why do we allow ourselves to be consumed by fear?
So, for now my only update is I have lost one more pound, putting me at 198, which is a 49lbs weight loss (One more pound to go before I reach 50lbs). That is a lot. I am half way to my goal. It’s a great feeling. Some of my friends said it’s not the weight they have noticed but it’s me they have noticed that has changed. They told me I look happier and I am more confident. They say I go after more. For instance, I will walk up and talk to people make new friends. I will go flirt with that guy in the club I think is hot; before I would look and keep my distance b/c I knew I didn’t have a shot. Now I don’t care if I have a shot or not I will go chat to him, the worst that can happen is he can turn me down. I am fine with that too, b/c when they see me again at my goal weight and they notice me, I am going to have fun putting the brakes on to them. SO far though I have not gotten rejected, and that is a nice feeling. There is this one guy I had a huge crush on and he never gave me the time a day, now he is chasing me. SO I had to ask him one day what is the difference, he said he didn’t care about the weight, but its that I am more confident, more happy and I look like I am having a blast when everyone else is bored. He said I the girl now that always has a big smile and is just glowing, he said I didn’t have that before and it wasn’t attractive. I guess I am the only one that didn’t see it, but I understand it. I was a lot more held back. There really is a different world out there when you are happy with yourself. This feeling is the best feeling in the world. There is no other reason but that to keep motivated. I love the person I am. I love laughing and smiling. I don’t care how others see me now; I just love me for what I am and what I feel. I can only go up from here if I do that myself and if I do not allow failure to be option. Once I rebuild myself, lose the fear and train even harder to be stronger than before. I will be a better version of myself in more ways than one. That is all that really matters though, is how I feel and how I feel I look, and that is the way it should be not only for me but also for everyone.
Have to run for now. Thanks for stopping by and reading. Also, thank you in advance for those of you that leave me comments. I appreciate that. Have a great day and a great workout, if its not your off day.
Until later!!
July 16, 2007 at 1:46 pm
You’re doing awesome! And, you understand that you have a fear, and that in itself can make it a lot easier to deal with. I still have flashbacks and cringe whenever I hear a glass break. (I had a fall, onto a plate glass fish tank and severely sliced both my hands up to the point where I had almost lost part of my left hand) So, hang in there!
July 16, 2007 at 3:31 pm
YOU NEED TO PASS FEAR ……..YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR BODY NOW…….WHAT DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER ……IT IS NOT YOUR BODY AT 200 OR 150LBS IT IS YOUR SOUL SHOWING KEEP UP THE HARD WORK IT WILL PAY OFF
July 16, 2007 at 5:57 pm
The fear comes because you don’t want to go backwards at all, you have the right mindset. You don’t need to fear it will pass with time. Yes I am sure your smiles and self confidence is attractive to this guy and many others even new friends in your life. Keep training girl listen to your body and you will get past the fear.
July 16, 2007 at 9:46 pm
**Standing ovation** The determination that comes through your posts is amazing…and I thinks it’s so funny and great how you sorta answer your own question as your blog goes on. It’s so natural kinda of like a realization…Here’s the things….I broke my ankel when I was younger…One of the most excrusiating feelings I’ve ever felt…when it happened I felt it like a horrible chill all over my whole body…..I had a cast that was up to my thigh and bent at the knee and ankel….I felt like I had that crap on for FOREVER!! After I healed which was a very long time…..I cringed and got nauseated whenever I saw my self in situation where it would happen again….I even felt sick when other people talked about it or I saw something happen to someone else….The truth is, that fear never went away….I don’t get the horrible nausea, but when something extreme happens I always have that thought to look back on…..I must say that it’s not a constant thought as it once used to be….but I know I’ll remember that and make reference to it for the rest of my life…..
I have no doubt in my mind that your strength and endurance will help you to cope and overcome your fear….you’re still new to recovery and defining your limitations. Ask tons of questions in PT and just stay focused….The better your heal the harder you can push to be better than before in the future…Good luck chick…I’mm routin’ for ya.!
August 10, 2007 at 11:51 pm
SWEATHEART GETTING THE COURAGE TO BEAT FEAR IS HARD BUT REMEMBER ITS YOUR BODY..U ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO WIN U R IN COMPLETE CONTROL.IN MY PAST,I WOULD HAVE 2 GET SPINAL TAPS[IT HURTS TYPING THIS]YOUR LAYING ON YOUR SIDE,KNEES TO CHESTAND A NEEDLE PRICKS YOUR SPINE, IF TOU MOVE YOUR PARALYIZED..I HAD 7 DONE [THAT WAS VERY HARD TO TYPE..MAJOR FLASHBACKS] YOU GET 100%DOC.CLEAR.&MOVE AHEAD.U CAN WIN I AM YOUR SUPPORT IM ACTUALLY A LITTLE SHAKY FROM THAT BUT IM STILL WINNING U WILL WIN!!I HAVE FAITH…LOVE&SUPPORT BOLDER