Americas Health & Fitness Program
after sitting at your desk job all day it’s time to get your healthy lifestyle into full throttle. at 5pm head to the gym to battle the crowds.
park your suv as close to the gym entrance as possible. spend extra time circling around the parking lot or waiting on someone to leave to make sure you get the closest spot. but leave your fountain drink in the cup holder. soda drinks just don’t look right in the gym. make sure you ride the escalator to the gym door.
meet up with your overweight personal trainer. the gym is crowded, so wait 10 minutes for a treadmill to open up, then warm up by doing very light walking (your heart rate should not increase during this phase). then move on to a series of exercises that require superhuman catlike balance. example: with 2lb weights in each hand, stand with one foot on a stability ball while placing the other foot over your head…..then start spinning your arms in a helicopter motion while simultaneously squatting with the one leg. make sure to spend a good 15 minutes discussing the proper form and technique with your trainer between each set. talking about exercise really gets you in good shape so just spend the last half hour talking.
out for dinner. “sure, lets get an appetizer, i did work out today – i earned it” “those potato skins or calamari sound good.” for dinner: “i’ll have the kahuna grande platter with a side of sour cream and a dinner salad – ranch dressing on the side please (i feel healthier if i dump it on myself)” “no, i’ll skip desert, i’m trying to lose those stubborn love handles”
home for some r & r. to recover from the hectic day try to remain as inactive as possible for the remainder of the evening. a horizontal position is preferred. tv watching on a sofa is perfect. “oh goodie, our favorite show americas biggest loser is on.” try to take as many snacks as possible to the sofa so you do not have to walk back and forth to the fridge. hey, you worked out today, you earned it!
after you’ve completed a few months of this program (preferably from january 1st through february 30th) you are entitled to say the following: “i’ve been working out and watching what i eat. i just don’t know why the weight isn’t coming off? i’m just genetically unfortunate.” this would be a good time to consult your doctor about gastric bypass surgery.
March 6, 2008 at 10:39 am
CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too funny.
March 6, 2008 at 10:39 am
Great blog
March 6, 2008 at 11:22 am
Not the "kahuna grande platter". That was hilarious. I’m still laughing.
Now I assume the escalators are for the handicap since retail stores have to be handicap accessible. But I can’t get over the obviously non-handicap people talking the escalators to the gym. And since I’m such a research hound on the net I actually found that picture and it is more hilarious when I see it bigger. Escalators to the gym door. Interesting. Your blog had me searching the net for ways to exercise at my desk since I sit down 95% of my work day. I hit the gym in the evenings but your blog inspired me to make ANYTIME exercise time. On a side note doing 60 seconds of jumping jacks at my desk proved to be some useful cardio. I’m aiming for once an hour.
March 6, 2008 at 11:26 am
thats funny
March 6, 2008 at 3:15 pm
HEY have you been reading my journals!?
The sad part is that a lot of people really see this as truth. And can’t get it. It sucks when you do see it that way. But the thing is sometimse people get out of that rut. Let’s hope more people start seeing it right. But again, LOVE the satire!
March 6, 2008 at 4:52 pm
LMAO….omg Tride…i’m loving the ’standing with one foot on stability ball while flailing around with 2lb dumbbells and your leg over your head’ thing!! I think i teach that one at my gym!!! LMAO…o.k. maybe not quit like that!
We had a ‘Farm Team’ level hockey player at the gym all summer and he did EVERYTHING on the stability ball…not the half one…the actual ball ball!! So we are talking squats with a barbbell and a good amount of weight on…ON THE BALL!! I kept secretly waiting for him to fall on his a$$ lol
March 6, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Dude another gut ripper.. I love it I hope you are not aiming this towards me I mean shit I am at 11 almost 12 hours now in the gym and no freaking snacks for me.
I know you are not but man I have heard so many of these things come from my friends and family it is sick.
Thanks for the best chuckle yet.
Big James
March 7, 2008 at 6:31 am
Ahahahahahaha. I’m going to link some of my friends to this blog entry!
March 7, 2008 at 8:24 am
i wrote this article to be funny but also maybe strike a nerve with some. i realize that there are some obese people that have a medical condition. however they are extremly rare. but i feel that the majority of people out there just don’t realize how much hard work it really takes to become fit. this board is great because i see numourous people who have completly transformed themselves with hard work and dedication. i also see others working hard to make these changes. i guess this article was really intended for the people who don’t come to bb.com. it’s intended for the averge american who is overweight and is victim to the standard illusion of what diet and excersise really are. to be in shape in this country you have to go against the norm. don’t take the escalator just because everyone else is. don’t eat the appatizer just because everyone else is. and this is extremly hard to do when we are surrounded by this every day in everything we do. if you want to be in shape you have to be comfortable with being a minority in this country. and to do so requires thinking differently, acting differently and being peer-pressure resistent.
March 7, 2008 at 10:35 am
LOL, nice touch with the February 30th… it IS a great satire on what some people do, though… and if people are offended, then they don’t want to hear the truth. You’re just telling it how it is.
March 7, 2008 at 10:40 am
Great Observation! My friend and I used to go to Powerhouse gym to workout everyday after work. We called these people the "Monday" people. Amazing how the gym is crowded on Monday after work and empty on Friday pm. January is too crowded at the gym, but by March it’s business as usual.
Loved the blog!
March 7, 2008 at 1:48 pm
omg, that right there is the best blog Ive read on bodyspace. You have NAILED IT.
March 7, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Wow! That totally made my day!! LOL! I think last year I was that person!!! What a difference a year makes!…So very true though…and now I am trying to preach hard work, diet and exercise to my friends, but some just won’t listen. Have fun on the escalator!
March 7, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I’ve seen this very thing happen in my office over and over….by my boss…:) She goes out for a brisk walk on her break and then comes back to the office and eats some candy or a pack of cookies!! She’s always bringing some sort of pastry into the office for everyone..it just about drives me crazy. ARGH…..I’ve become the queen of saying NO….AND to top it off they keep a candy jar on the counter right outside my office….I have never seen this jar stay full longer than one day…..okay…I’m ranting now….;)…sorry.