Mindless Self Indulgence

ok, so i’m over the homophobia i had in my last blog entry and i’ve taken down the terrorist looking avitar.

 i figured i’d post up some gym rules today:

Rule #1 don’t stare at a dieting bodybuilder who is stuck on the treadmill. he doesn’t want to be there (he wants cake) and isn’t in the most friendly mood. even though you may only be appreciating the body that he developed, he will probably still bare harsh intentions toward you!

Rule #2 don’t stare at the fitness bunny on the treadmill either. if she cant kick your ass, her dieting boyfriend on the treadmill next to her probably can.

Rule #3 don’t talk to people in the middle of their set like so, " excuse me! yes you with 400 pounds on your back, do you have many sets left? id like to do my crunches right there"

Rule #4 if you can do an exercise in a space that doesn’t require any gear, do it. don’t do curls in the squat rack, leg raises on the bench press and don’t sit and talk on a bench when someone might need it.

Rule #5 like the above, dont stand two inches from the dumbbell rack to do your laterals, people need to get in and out of there to get at the weights.

Rule #6 don’t use half of the cable crossover to do one arm triceps pushdowns and the like. the crossover machine is for chest and requires both halves. use an independent single pulley somewhere else.

Rule #7 if you are able to have a conversation on your cell phone at the gym, you are not working out hard enough! instead, take your jelly ass to the donut shop where cell phone conversations are welcome.

Rule #8 the weights have homes. they like their homes. when they don’t go home, they get angry and do mean things. all the little dumbbells go together and all the big ones go together. so no 15s up by the 120s. the little plates have homes also. see there was this one time during a personal training session where i grabbed a 45 off the leg press. what i didnt see was that someone had put a 25 in front of it instead of on its own peg. Off came the 45 in my hands and down went the 25 on my foot. this is a great way to learn composure if your interested.

Rule #9 if a book or shirt is on a bench, someone is trying to save it because they are doing exercises back to back. these are called "super sets" and the guys that do them are usually super big. it sure is awkward to be sitting there picking your nose when bubba comes storming around the corner. its such an easy thing to wait a second to find out or to ask someone if they are done on the equipment.

Rule #9.5 (in regards to rule #9); but at the same time, don’t leave your stuff all over the gym like a dog marking his territory. Just because you left your crap everywhere doesn’t entitle you to a private session with all the equipment. while its o.k. to use a couple of machines if its not peak hours, dont monopolize the gear.

Rule #10 watch out for i.l.s. invisible lat syndrome. this is where even though there is nothing under your shirt; it looks like your carrying around two beer kegs under each arm. people are laughing at you.

Rule #11 wipe your sweat off of the gear; no more needs to be said. actually yes it does, especially if im going to be putting my face in there on the lying hamstring curl. wipe it off!

Rule #12 change your gym clothes and don’t put them on after they have been fermenting in your locker for a week. strong in smell doesn’t count! and for the manly, there is a new invention called "deodorant". it runs a close second to something called the "shower". check it out.

Rule  #13 it is right and proper to ask someone for a spot on an exercise so you don’t hurt yourself. the only thing to keep in mind is that your requests don’t interfere with someone else’s training pace or that you become a hindrance because you’re always using a weight that is too heavy for you.

like wise, don’t ask the personal trainer for a spot while he is in the middle of a session with someone else. at $50 an hour, your spot just cost someone $2.50.

Rule #14 dumbbell presses. if you bring your knees up on the last rep, you can put the dumbbells on your knees with your arms straight and ride them until youre in the upright position as you drop your knees. this way you wont have to drop them from four feet causing a thunderous boom that scares the crap out of everyone and bending the dumbbells so they look like 100-pound bananas.

Rule #15 ladies: no more pink thongs over black spandex, please! Don’t throw them away though because they may need extras if miami vice makes a come back.

Rule #16 gentelmen: if your going to shave, comb your hair, brush your teeth or whatever in front of the mirror, keep your cloths on. as comfortable as you may be with yourself, we dont need someone we dont know selling hot dogs in the locker room.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 4th, 2008 at 9:18 am and is filed under Training. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.