Mindless Self Indulgence

so i’m just starting a sponsored product log on another fitness forum.
i know…..can you believe it!!! they chose me for this! what were they thinking! how can i possibly be serious enough and give credible feedback! lol.

so here is how it works. i get free product in exchange for my ability to attract a crowd and hype their product. it’s cheap marketing for them if their product works. and if it works, i can confidently tell everyone how it made me look so good i want to fcuk myself everytime i look in the mirror. i’ll even brag about how it improved my eyesight, converted candy into vegatables in my bloodstream, and increased the circumfurance of my penis by an inch.

but what if their product sucks? what then?

i can’t possibly tell the truth! i’ll feel guilty talking smack about a supplement i got for free. no one wants to be the bearer of bad news….especially me! if i really told people how this supplement made my teeth fall out, turned my d!ck into a vagina, and made me fart contunusiously i would never get invited back for free products again from any company!

but i have a plan.  if it really is this bad, i’m planning on dodging peoples questions with pre-planed responses. so if someone asks "how is the cycle going?" i’ll respond with something like, "i’ll have to get back to you on that because right now i’m in the middle of a three-some" or "sorry i can’t talk right now because i had my voice removed".

hopefully it doesn’t come to this and i can hype it up like it was better than my first porn mag as a teenager.

if you’ve been wondering what the fcuk happened to tride you’re not alone. i’ve been wondering the exact same thing!

since i’ve recently discovered all these new social newtworking sites like myspace, facebook, linkedin, bb.com i’ve become extremly addicted. i’m even getting some obsessive/compuslive disorders that require me to repetitivly click on the same exact link over and over again to see if anyone responded. these sites are like crack!

before all this, my life was completly fine without webcrack. i used to actually do some work for my job and in my free time i would workout and spend time with my family.

well, that was the old me! now i spend countless hours staring at this computer screen. i have numurous profiles, blogs, instant chat sessions, porn subscriptions, product logs, internet meeting groups, and all types of online parties across all types of boards and sites. i’m throughly proud of my reputation points, friend counts, profile views, mutual connections, rankings, award medals, and my site ranking. now i even communicate with previous friends and family through these forums. no need to see anyone when they can just send me updated photos and messages. unfortunatly, i’ve become lost in all this. i don’t even know day it is any more.

and every minute i’m away from my computer my withdrawal symptoms increase. i often find myself laughing in public about something someone said in a forum and then people ask me ‘what the fcuk is so funny?’ problem is i don’t even know how to answer that question. i can’t possibly tell them the truth. tell them about my conversation with ‘Bl8te12′ and how i really put that 12yr old newbie in his place. so i usually just say, “i think i’m going crazy!” 

reality and internet are blending into one single warped world. i can’t remember if we actually slept together or if we just talked about sex on your forum thread.

i’m afraid my next progress picture is going to show me looking pasty white, 300lbs of blubber, dark bags beneath my eyes, and suffering from carpel tunnel.

Short-term goal: i am looking for a meaningless short-term relationship. i feel like i am successfully accomplishing this goal right here on bb.com. most of my relationships here are very quick and meaningless. typical conversations consist of quick 1-2 sentence blurbs like "you look fabulous" or "keep up the good work". once i have maybe 5 good sayings down i think i’ll just rotate them through. so far this is what i have: "i like how your not missing any teeth"; "your boobs look even"; "i like the way you styled your hair"; "you look a lot better than last profile i was just on"

i would also like to meet rachel ray from the food network cooking channel.
she could cook toast and i’d be ok with that.
 
Long-term goal:
1. dig the toy out of a box of cereal without spilling any.
this is extremly difficult, especially when using a brand new box. i think i need to hone my skill at flexing the box to allow enough room to slide my hand down toward the bottom to successfully probe for the toy.

2. start pretending that i smoke.
still working on this but i seem to cough everytime i enhale wich is a dead givaway.

3. stop masterbating in the public library.
i believe i can accomplish this if i just stop visiting the sex education/human anatomy book area.

4. flush without clogging.
i’ve even tried using less toilet paper. not sure what to do here. i think it just takes luck.

5. quit looking for a meaningful relationship at strip clubs.
now this goal is purely for financial reasons.

6. pay for everything with loose change.
i believe this might help me accomplish goal #5.

7. train my dog to hump strangers legs.
thought this might be a good way to meet some new people. great ice-breaker!

8. quit throwing food on people at restaurants.
i really need to stop this. it seems to completly piss people off!

9. eat cheetos without getting orange fingers.
i’m stumped on how to acomplish this but i’ll keep trying.

10. stop taking sink showers in public restrooms.
people are ok with this until i start washing below my chest.

11. tailgate people less.
although it’s fun, it seems to really upset the person in front of me.

12. try not to get caught on "how to catch a predator"
so far so good on this one!

after sitting at your desk job all day it’s time to get your healthy lifestyle into full throttle.  at 5pm head to the gym to battle the crowds.
park your suv as close to the gym entrance as possible. spend extra time circling around the parking lot or waiting on someone to leave to make sure you get the closest spot. but leave your fountain drink in the cup holder. soda drinks just don’t look right in the gym. make sure you ride the escalator to the gym door.

meet up with your overweight personal trainer. the gym is crowded, so wait 10 minutes for a treadmill to open up, then warm up by doing very light walking (your heart rate should not increase during this phase). then move on to a series of exercises that require superhuman catlike balance. example: with 2lb weights in each hand, stand with one foot on a stability ball while placing the other foot over your head…..then start spinning your arms in a helicopter motion while simultaneously squatting with the one leg. make sure to spend a good 15 minutes discussing the proper form and technique with your trainer between each set. talking about exercise really gets you in good shape so just spend the last half hour talking.

out for dinner. “sure, lets get an appetizer, i did work out today – i earned it” “those potato skins or calamari sound good.”   for dinner: “i’ll have the  kahuna grande platter with a side of sour cream and a dinner salad – ranch dressing on the side please (i feel healthier if i dump it on myself)”  “no, i’ll skip desert, i’m trying to lose those stubborn love handles”

home for some r & r. to recover from the hectic day try to remain as inactive as possible for the remainder of the evening. a horizontal position is preferred. tv watching on a sofa is perfect. “oh goodie, our favorite show americas biggest loser is on.”  try to take as many snacks as possible to the sofa so you do not have to walk back and forth to the fridge. hey, you worked out today, you earned it!

after you’ve completed a few months of this program (preferably from january 1st through february 30th) you are entitled to say the following: “i’ve been working out and watching what i eat. i just don’t know why the weight isn’t coming off? i’m just genetically unfortunate.” this would be a good time to consult your doctor about gastric bypass surgery.

ok, so i’m over the homophobia i had in my last blog entry and i’ve taken down the terrorist looking avitar.

 i figured i’d post up some gym rules today:

Rule #1 don’t stare at a dieting bodybuilder who is stuck on the treadmill. he doesn’t want to be there (he wants cake) and isn’t in the most friendly mood. even though you may only be appreciating the body that he developed, he will probably still bare harsh intentions toward you!

Rule #2 don’t stare at the fitness bunny on the treadmill either. if she cant kick your ass, her dieting boyfriend on the treadmill next to her probably can.

Rule #3 don’t talk to people in the middle of their set like so, " excuse me! yes you with 400 pounds on your back, do you have many sets left? id like to do my crunches right there"

Rule #4 if you can do an exercise in a space that doesn’t require any gear, do it. don’t do curls in the squat rack, leg raises on the bench press and don’t sit and talk on a bench when someone might need it.

Rule #5 like the above, dont stand two inches from the dumbbell rack to do your laterals, people need to get in and out of there to get at the weights.

Rule #6 don’t use half of the cable crossover to do one arm triceps pushdowns and the like. the crossover machine is for chest and requires both halves. use an independent single pulley somewhere else.

Rule #7 if you are able to have a conversation on your cell phone at the gym, you are not working out hard enough! instead, take your jelly ass to the donut shop where cell phone conversations are welcome.

Rule #8 the weights have homes. they like their homes. when they don’t go home, they get angry and do mean things. all the little dumbbells go together and all the big ones go together. so no 15s up by the 120s. the little plates have homes also. see there was this one time during a personal training session where i grabbed a 45 off the leg press. what i didnt see was that someone had put a 25 in front of it instead of on its own peg. Off came the 45 in my hands and down went the 25 on my foot. this is a great way to learn composure if your interested.

Rule #9 if a book or shirt is on a bench, someone is trying to save it because they are doing exercises back to back. these are called "super sets" and the guys that do them are usually super big. it sure is awkward to be sitting there picking your nose when bubba comes storming around the corner. its such an easy thing to wait a second to find out or to ask someone if they are done on the equipment.

Rule #9.5 (in regards to rule #9); but at the same time, don’t leave your stuff all over the gym like a dog marking his territory. Just because you left your crap everywhere doesn’t entitle you to a private session with all the equipment. while its o.k. to use a couple of machines if its not peak hours, dont monopolize the gear.

Rule #10 watch out for i.l.s. invisible lat syndrome. this is where even though there is nothing under your shirt; it looks like your carrying around two beer kegs under each arm. people are laughing at you.

Rule #11 wipe your sweat off of the gear; no more needs to be said. actually yes it does, especially if im going to be putting my face in there on the lying hamstring curl. wipe it off!

Rule #12 change your gym clothes and don’t put them on after they have been fermenting in your locker for a week. strong in smell doesn’t count! and for the manly, there is a new invention called "deodorant". it runs a close second to something called the "shower". check it out.

Rule  #13 it is right and proper to ask someone for a spot on an exercise so you don’t hurt yourself. the only thing to keep in mind is that your requests don’t interfere with someone else’s training pace or that you become a hindrance because you’re always using a weight that is too heavy for you.

like wise, don’t ask the personal trainer for a spot while he is in the middle of a session with someone else. at $50 an hour, your spot just cost someone $2.50.

Rule #14 dumbbell presses. if you bring your knees up on the last rep, you can put the dumbbells on your knees with your arms straight and ride them until youre in the upright position as you drop your knees. this way you wont have to drop them from four feet causing a thunderous boom that scares the crap out of everyone and bending the dumbbells so they look like 100-pound bananas.

Rule #15 ladies: no more pink thongs over black spandex, please! Don’t throw them away though because they may need extras if miami vice makes a come back.

Rule #16 gentelmen: if your going to shave, comb your hair, brush your teeth or whatever in front of the mirror, keep your cloths on. as comfortable as you may be with yourself, we dont need someone we dont know selling hot dogs in the locker room.

so in the short two weeks i’ve been posting here i’ve had three guys ask me out through private messages and another tell me “he’d be so down to sucking me off” in my profile comments. i’m assuming the ‘suck me off’ comment is from a male because the only women who would say that to a random guy would likely be a porn star, stripper, or hooker and all three need to be paid prior to releasing those words. misty anderson was that perhaps you? no, it couldn’t have been – i haven’t paid her yet!

while i’m flattered by the response, i’ve realized that i unintentionally created a profile that is a like a gay magnet, gay gravity, and has set off every gaydar detector here. first mistake i made was putting my real name as ‘ima packenwood’. if i was gay, the first thing i would do in a forum like this is type ‘packenwood’ into the search to see what comes up. my second mistake was posting topless progress pictures of myself exposing my tits. it must be great being gay because there is never a need to go to the topless club and lose all your money when you can just go to the beach or men’s locker-room to see all the topless men you like. 

what am i doing to fight back? well, to start i’ve changed my avatar photo. last time i checked, gay men were not attracted to someone unfashionably clothed wearing a pillowcase on their head. i’ve also completely sprayed myself with pheromones that only attract women - although i’m not sure if they are strong enough for you to smell through your computer. let me know if you smell it. 

so what i’ve quickly learned is that we have a relatively strong gay community here at bb.com – which is fine. i have a very good friend as well as a cousin that are gay. it’s not surprising to find homosexuals here when you really think about it because gay men do typically care about their appearance and enjoy looking at other fit men. i have nothing against the flamboyantly gay either. i appreciate their uninhibited style and feel it takes courage to do so.

all jokes aside, i do still welcome the gay remarks; i find them funny and entertaining. and if you’ve been reading my blogs, you know i’m all about funny and entertaining!