Mindless Self Indulgence

 did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? he tried the scarsdale diet, the navy diet, weight watchers, etc. and none worked. he was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, ”lose weight $1.00 a pound.”  and it simply listed a telephone number.
    having little to lose the man called the number. a voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”
    to which the man responded, “ten pounds.”
    the voice replied, “very well, put you check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
    about 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. there stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”.
    well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. finally he did catch her and when he was through  enjoying himself, she said,  “quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!”  he did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
    that evening he called the number again.  the voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”
    to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, “twenty pounds”. 
    “very well”, the voice on the phone told him,  “put your check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
    at about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. when he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”.  the chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
    when he was through she told him, “quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!”  he ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
    “this is fantastic!” he thought to himself.
    later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
“how much weight do you want to lose?” 
    “fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.
    “fifty pounds?”  the voice asked. “that’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”
    the overweight man replied, “my check’s already in the mail. you just have your representative over here in the morning.”  then he hung up the phone.
    about 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. at about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. when he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “if i catch you i’m going to screw you.”