torn8o’s BodyBlog

November saw some great progress and had a few frustrations.  I missed one workout this month due to illness.  I actually missed two days, but made one of them up later.  I saw myself reach the 30 pound weight loss mark this month, but also had to deal with some emotional stuff along the way.  I had near perfect nutrition all month, and feel excellent.  I have taken six inches off my waistline since starting on September 15.  That’s pretty incredible.  I’m on the last hole in my belt, so it’s time to start searching for a smaller one.  I’m also fitting into jeans and pants that I haven’t worn in two years.  All of this came for me during the month of November.  Muscle-wise, my arms and legs experienced noticeable changes in definition and my strength has increased in spite of the calorie deficit I’m running on.  People who think you can’t gain muscle and lose weight at the same time have just never been taught how it’s done, I guess.  Thank you, Bill Phillips … you are a wonderful person for sharing your secrets with the world.  That’s all I know.

This month I had to cope with several times when the scale held firm for a week or more.  I’ve stopped using it to gauge any sort of progress.  It just does not matter.  I’m having trouble sleeping due to ongoing problems I’m forced to deal with, but I’m thinking about talking to a doctor to help improve in this department.  I’m starting to remember what it feels like to consider myself as an athelete, instead of a greasy blob of hog meat.  It feels really good.  I’m holding myself more confidently and I feel proud of the gains.

OK, so that’s the summary for November.  It was a good month and it feels good to look back on it now and think about what I’ve done.  It’s time to look ahead to December for just a minute.  Unlike a lot of people, I don’t have much trouble working out in the winter.  I got into a cycle of winter exercise and health several years ago, and now it just seems like the thing to do when it’s cold outside (by the way, we got our first snow on the ground overnight last night … so pretty).  In December I want to shoot for several things:

1. Perfect workout month.  I don’t want to miss any days if I can help it.  At the end of December, I want to see a full calendar of workouts in my BodySpace.
2. Perfect nutrition.  Allowing for an evening with friends each week, I want to stick to the same nutrition plan as closely as possible during December.  The only difference I will see this month is a gradual increase in clean calories, as I work to support muscle and build new.
3. Coping with stress.  I need to give some thought to upcoming challenges, including the emotional ones.  I’m sure I’ll have some lonely feeling days and some assaults from other sources.  I’m planning to deal with these one day at a time and not let them get the better of me.
4. New friends.  Hoping to make a couple of new, good quality friends who can provide mutual encouragement during this journey I’m on.
5. December 15 marks the end of the first 12 weeks of my transformation.  Looking forward to that.  At that point, I may move a couple of new core training lifts into the mix.

Here’s to having a great month to look forward to …

This was the morning.  The morning I woke up to scale weight that is thirty pounds less than it was just two and half months ago.  I wanted to commemorate this loss with a few words to those thirty pounds …

First of all, goodbye.  I will not see you again.  You and I spent the last year together and I’ve decided that we just weren’t working out and you were weighing me down.  You burdened me with feelings of shame and guilt and unworthiness that I didn’t really deserve.  Yes, you came at a rough point in my life and you thought you could console me and make me feel better.  But you are tricky.  Because in taking comfort from all of the sweets, treats, fried, sauced, carbed, fatty, rich, and processed foods that welcomed you into my life, I found the opposite of comfort and instead I encountered true feelings of discontentment and sorrow.  So I have to say that this is goodbye, and this time the door is shut and you are unwelcome ever again.  I will not cover for you any more.  No more buying baggy clothes to hide your ugly face, or avoiding the things I love because I’m worried about giving you away.  No, I’m sorry, but this was a disfunctional relationship and it is time for me to move on.

Now … it’s time to address the next 30.  You should probably get ready for an all-out assault, next 30.  Because I’ve learned how this works and I know what I’m doing now.  You are in my sights and this gun is not going to back down.  You see, I lost the last 30 the right way.  I worked hard in the gym and I fed myself a ton of great quality food that made me strong.  I didn’t do any fad dieting, any crazy meds, and I didn’t opt for surgery either.  No … my strength came from within and I did this with sheer force of determination and the power behind eating truly good things.  My strength is about to get up in your face, next 30.   I’m sorry, but you better start looking for a new home.  The war on you begins today.

First a rant … I wish the workout tracker in here had cardio options included.  I built my own, but since there are no "reps" with cardio, my tracking charts are up and down more than an elevator operator in the Sears Tower.  Maybe I just haven’t figured out a good enough solution to this yet.  Anyone who knows of something workable, feel free to comment.

OK, so going into my third month now and really starting to notice the changes.  Other people are commenting more often as well.  I’m surprised the muscle is building as well as it is at just 2k cals a day, but I’m thinking it’s a combination of muscle memory and the fact that my work is so sedentary, so all of the calories are pretty much going toward muscle?  Who knows.  It’s working, that’s all I care about at this point.  When the scale makes a drop, it is sticking … and that rocks.  The pants are now falling off, which also rocks.  And I’m wearing a shirt today that I had stopped wearing prior to the new routine due to tightness issues.  It has PLENTY of room … in fact, it’s too big.  Sweet!

All of this work over the last two months has led a shift in thinking.  For one, the positive habits are established now and aren’t going anywhere.  The nutrition has left me feeling over the top great, with more energy than ever.  And all of this is combining into a perfect storm of more confidence and focus for me.  Work is better, home is better, even my solitary existence feels better.  Interesting how everything around me is changing along with my fat butt.  It’s like … ’oh yeah, now I remember how good this feels.’ 

In other news, I need to document this funny thing that happened so I don’t forget.  I made my usual 5 eggwhite omelette on Sunday.  I put the shells/yolks in a grocery bag beside the stove, to be pitched when I cleaned the kitchen after breakfast.  As I was eating, my cat manages to jump on the counter (big no no in my house), get himself tangled in the bag, panic and run around the house like a terrified maniac being chased by a serial cat killer.  He was virtually unstoppable.  So yes … you guessed it … egg yolks on the floor, egg yolks on the baseboards, egg yolks at seemingly impossible positions on the walls, and egg yolks all over poor kitty.  It was massively hysterical.  He ended up in the crawlspace in the basement, somehow figuring out how to get out of this mess … I guess the cat was out of the bag at that point.

My head was playing games with me yesterday, I guess.  It’s the only way I can explain it.  I am going to have to plan for days like that and have a plan together for how to handle things.  After talking to a friend last night, life was much better.

I was starting to get irritated that the scale showed no difference this week, but then I hopped on this morning to show 2.5 lbs down for the week.  That puts my progress at nearly 30 pounds total, and that is reason enough to be happy.  Ecstatic even.  Those pounds are gone forever.  I am going to promise myself this right here and now.  They are not coming back again.

I also got a massage this weekend, which finally got my scapula to relax - after week of staying in contraction and spasm.  Much, much better today.  The MT works for the sports rehabilitative center at a local hospital and flat out knows what he is doing.  This is going to become a monthly regimen for me.

Things look so much better today.  Time to reaffirm the fact that I will have another perfect workout and nutrition week ahead of me.  Today is upper body and I’m feeling good, so I should knock it out of the park.

I feel like crud today.  I don’t know why, really (though I have some suspicions).  I need to slow down and just enjoy this trip I’m on and stop worrying so much about the destination, I guess.  Running on practically no emotional support here these days, which also sucks.  But I guess it will force me to find the reasons to stick with it from the inside out, rather than looking for it from others.  Fortunately there are a couple of people at work who have been encouraging me to do this for myself.

The reason I got off track in the first place was totally emotional.  I was forced to take a job three years ago that really didn’t work for me, and actually made me feel bad about myself.  I coped with the stress with food and beer and escaping the situation as much as I could.  Then I landed my dream job and that whole aspect of my life turned around … but just as that was getting squared away, problems in my personal life cropped up and got the better of me.  If I were honest with myself, I’d probably have to admit that I’ve been eating and drinking myself to death over the last couple years.  What really sucks is that while I was making this plea for my life, no one seemed to notice or care what was going on, even though I was obviously changing drastically.  When it comes down to it, I am truly, unequivocally alone in this life.  And I have to come to terms with that and do this for myself anyway.  Today those feelings of fear and loneliness have cropped up yet again.  I’m not tempted to deal with it by eating or anything, but I am wondering just how to deal with it.  It feels good that this one aspect of my life as far as fitness is concerned, appears to be pretty stable for the time being.  I don’t really feel like that is threatened at this point, but I can’t help but think about what a long journey this is going to be.  It’s hard to believe just how badly I’ve let myself go.  And I know that one day a few months from now, this feeling is going to be gone and replaced by something that feels more triumphant, but that is months away.  A year from now I will be a changed person, a new man with a new life and a new sense of purpose.

I wonder how I will treat the people in my life when that happens.  So few have stuck with me while I’ve struggled.  I don’t blame them.  But when I come back from all of this, I wonder what the response will be.  It is hard for me to cope with the duality of most people.  The lack of sincerity.  It is hard to understand because I genuinely fight to not be that way, though in honesty I am sure that I am guilty as well.  All these thoughts and much more are always clogging up my brain and getting in the way.  There is really no way to dispose of them apart from writing, I guess.  I have way too much baggage floating around up there.  Need to free myself from it somehow, I guess.  Took some progress photos this morning, which I think is bringing all this on.  I realize just how far I have to go …

OK, enough of this for today.  This is my rest day from exercise, though I intend to eat clean all day.  The weight is still not coming off the scale, though I’m still noticing a difference in the way things are fitting.  My legs and arms have definitely added muscle and definition and I can’t help but notice it.  I just can’t even question my nutrition at this point, it couldn’t be any more honed to perfection than it currently is.  I’m afraid if I shave any calories off, my workouts will definitely suffer for it and I just can’t have that this time.  So I’m going to try to enjoy the day just doing things around the house and hopefully I’ll be able to go to sleep tonight with some peace of mind.

Great cardio yesterday.  Energy for days, pushed myself to the limit of my tolerance.

On the scale, I’m leveling off at 1-2 pounds/week.  I’ve lost much faster in the past, but I’ve never had the kind of energy and strength that I’ve enjoyed this time.  That’s why I’m not going to stop doing exactly what I’m doing.  Feeding myself good things so that I can truly enjoy strong workouts.  My legs are still all kinda sore and probably will be for a couple more days.  It feels amazing.  The muscle definition is great, even though my BF is still high.  In two or three more months, I’m going to really look different.

In other news, got the hair cut this week and I’m back to the short look.  People are getting used to it, but it’s definitely my kinda look.   I’m keepin it.

Last night was one of my better lower body workouts.  I was well-fueled and raring to go.  My squats have been steadily increasing and I’ve already reached my short-term squat weight, which I didn’t think I’d reach for another month.  Went much lower on my squats last night too, which makes such a huge difference.  No hacks.  After some ham extensions, I went for the lunges, which put the killer cherry on the top of my leg busting sundae.  Today I feel like a million bucks.  The DOMS haven’t set in yet, but my quads are so tight this morning that I know they are coming.  When they hit tomorrow, I’ll be hurting.  Oh yeah …

Yesterday was great.  Free day, so no meaningful exercise.  My body needed recovery.  In an effort to make up for lost time the week before, I worked out both days last weekend, which put me in more than a ten day stretch of daily workouts.  I needed rest.

Then last night I was invited over to friends for a wonderful home cooked meal.  Beef stew with carrots, potatoes, etc., home made rolls (mmmm) and to top it off … get this … hot, home made peach pie (still steaming), made with fresh peaches and vanilla ice cream.  Heaven.  Pure, caloric heaven.  It was the best cheat meal ever.

Back in line today, of course, and going to do legs tonight.  Planning to work hard in the home gym and kick out some heavy duty squats and lunges.  Going to feel awesome -

The little pyramid peak showed up on my biceps again this week.  Seriously, it was like one day it wasn’t there and the next it was.  I love working arms sooo much.  I wish I didn’t have to work legs so that I could get good arms (sound like a paradox?), but I work my legs hard just to achieve better results everywhere else.  I need all the testosterone my body can possibly supply.  For some reason I’m totally motivated and goal-oriented this time … like never before.  BB.com is a definite boost for me.

I often talk about how easy it was for me to stay in shape in my 20s, living in New York City.  Not only is the environment there all about walking (no, rushing!) to get where you need to be, but it is surprisingly a pretty fitness-oriented place.  I lived and worked near the Brooklyn Bridge and my routine was to run it every day at lunch (about 3 miles round trip).  The view was amazing and it was fun to get outside, even in the winter time.

Now that I look back, though, I think about how I was training my body at the time.  For one, I usually ended up either eating something meager for lunch, or at times skipping it altogether.  Everyone seemed to believe that fitness was all about eating less and less, rather than feeding yourself the right stuff.  Plus, my workouts suffered for it.  I became winded and tired easily, and each run was like an exercise in shear determination and willpower.  My afternoons were spent in a slump usually, after crashing from too few calories and too much exercise.  I was thin, but not healthy.

This is why I love weight lifting and the culture that has developed since the late 90s.  Finally some good, healthy information out there that does a body good!  I eat constantly, but I eat GOOD.  I don’t worry so much about weight, and think more about finding ways to switch out fat for lean mass.  I feel incredible almost all the time.  After letting myself get off track the past couple years, I really wonder why I ever tolerated failure.  Maybe it’s weakness or maybe emotional in nature, but it wasn’t for lack of knowledge.  I know how to take care of myself.  But knowing something and actually DOING it are two totally different animals.  I feel like there is definitely a paradigm shift in my attitude this time.  I’m seeing this extend much further out than one or two 12-week challenges.  I’m interested in finding the way to make this my life, and that feels right.

Getting ready to head over and do some cardio now.  So strange … I used to dread doing that run because I knew I would feel like crap doing it.  Now I absolutely can’t wait … it feels absolutely amazing.