top_5_percent’s BodyBlog

Today has been on track, finally! I had a great day working at the hospital. Came home knowing that I made a positive difference in my patients lives which is always a rewarding feeling. My diet has been great. I even denied chocolate offered to me.

 I trained legs today. Not an amazing workout but good. So tomorrow, I’m hoping to do a spin class before i start work at the hospital again. AND of course my diet will stay on track.

I have been feeling a bit down lately. I feel as though my life is very much out of control. I have been partying a bit too much, which I regret. If i partied like any normal person it would be ok. But I really do drink extremely excessively, not remember the night, lose all my stuff, spend all my money, come home extremely bruised and feel so sick the next few days and as a result eat badly. But tomorrow is Monday. What a wonderful day to start afresh and feel alive again. These hangovers keep me out of action for a good few days.

 I am too scared to weigh myself at the moment. My eating has been DISGUSTING! Will hopefully weigh in on Friday.

It is so hot in Australia right now. I really would like to go for a run in the morning and do some hill sprints. Hopefully it wont be so hot in the morning. The heat makes me feel unclean.

 I have been contemplating life alot today. I really need to stop feeling dissappointed in my past mistakes. I feel alot of guilt in my life. ALOT! I still don’t really understand why I have this struggle with food. It is only food after all.

Anyway, my workouts lately have been short. I guess I have been just unmotivated. Usually once somethign is off in my life it all goes down hill. Like if I have a bad day eating, I usually have a slack workout.

 So this week, I really need to step it up a notch. Why on earth am I not on top of my goals….? I make myself wonder sometimes.

I have been having major sleep problems lately (as always.) It’s driving me insane. I literally can’t function properly and live my life normally because I just can’t sleeep. It doesn’t help trying to diet when I’m living on no sleep. I am spending a fortune seeing a naturopath and buying all these supplements to help but nothing is working. Sleeping pills are only a quick fix and I feel like a druggie everytime I go to the doctors asking for more! I have to beg. It’s not a nice feeling.

 Anyway, I must have lost some weight because my clothes are getting looser which is good but I don’t feel any different. It has now been 3 and a half weeks since I got my boobs done and I love the results but it hasnt made me feel any better about myself at all. It actually has made me feel gutted. You know when you have all those goals like…. when  i get my boobs done, when im thin, when i have my dream car… and you imagine yourself being much happier. Well i dont feel happier after achieving most of my goals. Not at all.

 Anyway I guess I will work really hard towards my next goal. I want to lose about 6kg of fat. Really have to work on diet, diet diet. Oh but I am so happy that I am now in the gym again after not being able to work out for a few weeks. Was torture haha

My diet has improved alot over the past couple of weeks. I have struggled with binge eating for years. It is the only thing in my life that I felt I could not control. My binges are getting fewer but god my cravings for binges haven’t gone. It feels like every minute of every day I just want to binge. I feel unfulfilled! I feel like I am just putting off a binge with every minute that passes. I can only distract myself for so long. Does anyone else feel like this? I think it may be mostly due to the low carbs I am trying to eat, although they are not that low. I have increased my breakfast size alot. I know I am getting enough fat. But I don’t want to add any more carbs in my diet. They scare me slightly but they are def my fav food group to eat haha.

I have lost a couple of kilos of fat. To be honest I thought I would have lost more. I mean with my binge eating I was eating sososo many calories. Most ppl would think I was lying if I told them what my binges consisted of and I used to binge about 4 times a week.

Anyway, I am getting my boobs done on Tuesday. So excited, but I wont be able to workout properly for 6 weeks! THIS IS FRIGHTENING. I don’t know what I will do with myself. I haven’t taken more than 2 days off in a row for several years. I am having anxiety about this. I guess it is time to knuckle down with my diet hardcore and get everything perfect. Oh and I get 2 weeks of work…. but i don’t know what I will do. I can’t workout

I actually feel like a completely different person now that I am getting my eating under control. Oh I forgot to mention I went to see a naturopath and she gave me chronium tablets as well as many other supplements because I have been struggling with severe chronic insomnia for a long long time.. which was basically linked with my bingeing. I am sleeping way better. I feel completely different. I cant’ thank this woman enough. She has honestly changed my life for the better and I feel a million times happier.

By the 17th of June I will have lost 7kg….. I was just re reading my previous post and that was my 3 month goal. Obviously haven’t achieved anything lately. God its 2:30 in the morning and i can’t sleep. I have run out of my usual sleeping pills and I dont think my body knows how to sleep anymore.

 Anyway as usual eating has been terrible workouts have been good. Could be better…. I haven’t really put much emphasis on weights like I used to.

Tomorrow I will be training back and biceps.

Oh I haven a couple of days holidays and I have been bored shitless. I didn’t realise how much better it feels to be busy. THere are only so many hours a day I can spend working out and eating and cleaning until I start going insane. Back to work friday. yay

It’s 1:15 in the morning here and I can’t sleep. I have this stupid assignment to do that I should have finished a long long time ago. It’s driving me crazy and making me feel angry.

 Anyway diet has been great today. No bingeing to report haha which is always unusual. I have deffinately thought about it a number of times but decided against it. I also went for a lovely run along the beach today and trained back and shoulders at the gym with some cardio too. So an excellent day in terms of health and fitness.

I am still struggling majorly with my diet. I doubt I will be able to even last a full week without bingeing. I don’t know when the last time I went that long without bingeing was. I need to find some other stuff that I enjoy doing other than eating and apart from working out its not much. I just have about 7kg of fat to lose until im think I will be semi comfortable with my body. Anyway on the bright side I am really enjoying the weights at the moment. There was a period there when I was just battleing through my workout with dread but loving it at the moment!!!

Anyway short term goal (well 3 month goal) I want to lose 7kg by mid June. That’s very achieveable for most people haha. But I have been wanting these 7kg off for years and never really got there! Well maybe things are different now.

I had some moles removed from my back the other day for cosmetic reasons and I’m not allowed to workout or swim for 2 weeks min. Because the skin on the back is so tight stretching and pulling the skin will create more of a scar and might rip the stitches. This is going to drive me crazy. I don’t remember the last time that I went this long without exercising, maybe when I was 14 or something.

 So time to focus really hard on diet and I also am going to try and increase my flexibility. Good god, lately my eating has just been way out of control. With the news of my mums terminal illness I guess I have used it as an excuse to medicate myself with food and seriously the portions I have been eating is just incredible. Like I think I should go in a world eating competition. I barely get full anymore. I think I could eat 30,000 calories a day if I wanted to. But I am back on track today and I really need to focus on diet. DIET DIET DIET DIET DIET.

We found out some terrible news today. My mum has bone cancer all through her body and she only has 1 year to live. I am absolutely devastated. I feel like my heart broke today. It’s my 21st birthday in 2 weeks time and we are going to do something special as a family. When something like this happens you really realise that family and friends are all that matters.

 Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer about 7 years ago and beat that but unfortunately the cancer has spread. We have never been close. I have always distanced myself from my family for some unknown reason but I love her more than anyone in the world. I appreciate the fact that we still have a year together to build a relationship. I just feel so alone although I have support from all my friends. I know I have alot of love but my mum can’t be compared to anyone else.

 I have wasted my life making so many stupid choices and I know that now is the time that I need to be dedicated to my goals and really achieve the big things I know I am capable of. I know she is already so proud of my but I just want her see me living up to my full potential.

Diet has been on track tonight. I also trained biceps and did some cardio thismorning before class, good god it was hard to get out of bed, I slept very badly last night. I’m going to go and train legs later tonight.

 I actually learnt something in class today, which is always good haha.

 And I also gave alot of my clothes away to the familys affected by the fires near Melbourne. It’s so sad. Every time I turn on the TV its about the fires which have killed hundreds and still will take alot more lives. Apparantly its thought they are deliberately lit. GRRRR. I have faith that the police will catch these people.

 So I feel like I have achieved everything I needed to today

Well I didn’t achieve my goal of no cardio and training back and biceps. Instead I just did a spin class (which I killed myself in, it was great.) So tomorrow I’ll get up early and do the weights! Diet has been great today but i did buy 2 coffees and college and one had a shot of caramel in. I have no idea how many calories in this, I do have skinny but really I should just take my own black and mixed with water. I also felt guilty today when I had too many peas. I had like a cup and a half. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous but I have such a black and white mentality. I get very upset when I don’t do things perfectly in my moments of weakness.

I actually sat in class and felt disgusted at what people were sitting on there butts eating. We sit down in class all day long (I’m suprised I don’t get pressure sores on my butt) and they buy packets of lollies and chocolate and just absolute crap and just eat all through class. A girl in my class had an Optislim shake for lunch then straight after bought into class a huge pack of chips and a chocolate bar. I was honestly repulsed and I felt like thank god I’m not putting my body through that cr*p.

 Anyway I get to go to the dentist on Thursday. haha I’m actually really excited. I’m getting a clean and just a check up. I haven’t been in years. I’m just taking these small steps to improving myself in every way. In every part of my life health, education, blah blah.

So tomorrows goals are: weight training, take my own coffee to college, pass the practical stuff we are doing at college (inserting a naso gastric tube haha yay)

Oh and I am meant to be going to a friends mums going away drinks at her house tomorrow night but I really dont think I am going to go. I honestly can’t socialise normally at the moment without drinking or eating crap or just putting my body through hell is some way. I’m sure she will be angry if I don’t go but I know it will just send me on a bender. I feel like I’m in ‘recovery’ at the moment and I just can’t be around temptation because I know I will get out of control.