tina1920’s BodyBlog

Nov 7th is almost here.  I am starting a new job. Trying to deplete without killing myself.  Trying to walk in my purpose.  Support my friends, peers and special loved ones.  I feel like Coco Barbie She Hulk with Diva Swag……………..there can be only one.  I am ready to take this next step.  I am ready to sit back and let God run things.  Oh but don’t think I am being lazy on my lunch breaks mama will be in the gym.  This water weight has got to come off.

Thanks for all the support during this trying time.  Now back to me.  I have less than 10 days to become a bikini model.  Imagine that;) I am just pressing at this point.  No direct carbs until after the show.  I can do this.  I have 2 orientations today.  I plan to stop by the hospital and check on my friend.  Oh and I am going to the gym first. So today will be protein shakes and peanut butter.  I might buy some grilled chicken but that is about it.  Setting appointments for my body treatments.  I need to buy my shoes too.  Then that will be it.

All is well.  My friend is stable.  I am home about to catch up on my rest.

Last night was rough.  It was truly a scary time.  The sun rose as promised.  My friend should be in surgery as I type this.  Today is going to be spiritually draining.  At times, it is like I can feel him.  I tell him all the time we are bound.  Guess what, we might actually be.  So when I tell you that my mind is on something other than a carb it is the truth.  My goals of today…not to cry openly at work and pray that he survives the surgery.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.

This is just random thoughts, feelings, etc………

Fearful of the sun rise. I have never been afraid to feel the sun against my skin.  The warmth only surpassed by your touch.  To think of the winter cold without warmth.  Needing reassurance.  Calling and no answer.  Your name no longer attached to your vessel.  Your eyes empty.  Your chest resting, no rise, no fall.  I am afraid that today was my last day with you.  If so how will these memories last me a life time.  They were so few and far in between.  My face is wet.  The salt of my tears caresses my lips like you once did.  I am hopeful.  I have prayed.  I continue to pray.  My breathing is rapid, deep.  I am afraid. What if…………………………..

I have a friend going into surgery at 5:15am 10/27/09.  They gave him a survival rate of 70/30 that he wont make it.  I know that God has the final say but he has not told me his decision. So for the faithful, hold up my friend. 

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that worketh in us." Ephesians 3:20

I woke up this morning and my mind was a blurr.  A day in my life is like an urban soap opera with a rural country back drop.  I am not going to go into detail but I hope that gives you mixed imaginary.  Ok, now that you are in a whirl wind of possible outcomes lets proceed.  I am purging myself of carbs and of me.  I need to be filled beyond my current spiritual understanding in order to proceed in the day to day I call " My Life".  I sit here seeking the words to illustrate how intense this walk is.  My skin tingles as I type.  The air is chilly in my office.  I hear people in the office hallways moving around but I am isolated behind my door.  I am sitting still but I am seeking.  I am longing to understand all the pieces to my puzzle.  My heart has been restored.  The concrete and ice has been broken or melted.  Is this what it is like to feel?  I have not felt anything in so long it is like new life.  It is new life.  Time is limited.  How will you use yours.  It is more than just getting abs out of storage.  More than turning heads and breaking necks!!  Its about where will I find my eternal peace not just temporary fixes.  At this moment, a few of you are riding the fence.  I am telling you to proceed!!  In all diligence, proceed.   

I have been tested so much in the last few weeks.  I quit my job!!  I got a new one.  I have ended relationships and found new ones.  I continue to seek my purpose and follow my God’s direction/instruction.  I am more spiritually aware than I have been in a long time.  I have grown.  I am growing.  I have not written because the words were not in me to share.  I am emotionally full and for the first time in a long time, its in a good way.  I never would have thought that last year would be so far removed.  As my circle begins to close, I am reminded of all the successes and failures.  I am blessed beyond measure and I even got those abs I wanted for my birthday.  I feel fear but I will no longer be afraid.  My show is 16 days away.  No turning back on my life.  No turning back on me.  No more limiting myself to the box I created.  2009 has been the year of change.  2010 will be the year of implementation.  Are you ready??

In the back of my mind where the doubt lives is a cold place.  It is dark and damp.  The light of my soul grazes across the edge.  I tell myself we are transforming.  My body is slowly showing me, that we are changing.  "Doubt" is afraid.  He lashes out whenever possible.  He tries to diminish my strength, courage or hope.  I am tired and I am weak.  I am worn.  I cling to my pillar of hope.  I find that this is a test of will.  I feel my soul pushing me.  Telling me that you have control only if you take it.  This vessel was formed for me.  I must make do my will while I dwell here.  I feel supported by one that never fails.  Thank you to my peer for your support and prays.  4 weeks to prove that I control this vessel.  A life time to live in my purpose.  An eternity of eternal peace.  Now that is worth fighting for. 

Well, well, I made another trip.  In preparation for the 1st bikini model show.  It was a calm laid back atmosphere.  No pressure right?!  Body fat taken.  Modeled bikini, omg.  All the preliminaries done.  The workout begins.  Not to bad.  I can feel that my legs are stronger.  I feel confident.  Maybe a little too confident.  The second set, omg!!  Murder he wrote.  I have never hurt so bad, never.  Pushed beyond any level of comfort.  Praying that my quads don’t rip through my flesh, even though that is exactly what it felt like.  Knowing in my heart this is what I need but refusing to except it.  I sweat and pray, try to remember to breath.  I survived, barely at times.  I could have done better but it was decent.  That night I carried a pump for 6-8 hours.  Are you serious?  I sent him random texts messages telling him he kicked rocks, my thumbs were just fine.  I can stand and sit this time without using my hands.  But trust I am sore!!  So it is safe to say I got shook to pieces again;)  Less that 6 weeks.  Pushing to be ready in 5.  Modified keto diet here I come.  Thanks House;)

Work is pushing the limits.  I have a hair show coming up.  I can’t go to the gym as usual due to other obligations.  My normal ways to decompress are not avaliable to me.  I really want to punch something until my knuckles bleed.  I know you are asking yourself, is it that serious.  Yes!!!  I know that change is coming.  I feel the resistance around me.  I will press forward.  I will overcome all of this mess.  You may slow me down but you can’t stop me.  What is meant for me will be mine, and in the time for which it was meant.  I am going to be ready!!!