Well I got word today that my packet finally made it to the board today (12/2) they have a 4 day board and will decide who they are taking as an officer in the Army. So I wait now … (isn’t that the military motto though "hurry up and wait"). Im scared to death actually, 1) cause Im afraid of change and 2) Im afraid of being deployed (never been away from home) and 3) I have a social phobia. Yes I have a social phobia. I have a hard time just going in the gym and then when I get there its the hardest thing in the world to go in the "big boy room" by myself. I dont know what is wrong with me but it makes me sick. So today my friend couldn’t go with me but I did it. I just put on my music and tried to only focus on me to not ’see’ the others that were around me. When I was young I was very poor and I got picked on alot in school. Everyone made fun of what I wore, how tall I was, how my hair was cut, and they made fun of the fact that I didn’t have a bathroom in my house (yep I had an outhouse and yes this was in the 80’s). I never had many friends because I didn’t trust anyone. And when I was 17 I was a victim of a sexual assault, that seemed to knock what little self esteem I had right out of me. I have tried for 21 years to gain back control. When someone says Im pretty I dont see that. When someone comments on my weight loss I still just see the ‘fat girl’ in the mirror. But with each kind word a little light comes through my ‘door’ and I see ME a little better. So I want you all to know how much I have appreciated EVERY comment, every encouraging word, and every trip to the gym with me to help keep me on track. Guess I just needed to get that all off my chest. I hear its therapeutic to write a journal LOL so Im writing .. 
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