tilt-a-whirl’s BodyBlog

I have hit a massive plateau the last 3-4 weeks.  I think the dumbbells I have are home are just too lightweight now.

So I joined a gym and it occurred to me only after the second day that there is a lot of networking opportunities available.  I mentioned to one of the trainers that I’m looking for a full time job and she took my card and said she’d mention me to her husband who is in charge of hiring for a decent sized company here in my city.  I’m going to start keeping a file folder of resumes and business cards in my locker so I always have something to give people.

I took a yoga class on the 12th and did some lightweight training on Friday the 13th… light because I’m not used to the equipment yet and I have a really active day on Saturday and I don’t want to be sore and lagging for the event.

I am setting a new 12-week goal starting on June 16, 2008.  I want to reduce my Body Fat Percentage to under 30%, gain muscle, develop my arms, chest and abs.  While I had good intentions with my last goal, I did not have the equipment necessary to reach my goal in time.  I had the schedule, the discipline, & the diet.  I lacked proper weights and guidance.

I see what I’ve been doing isn’t working anymore and I must change up my plans.  It worked for about 8 weeks.  So I’m making a small change, with the same goal but with a flexible deadline and renewed enthusiasm. Feedback and guidance from the Gym staff will make a huge difference, I hope.

I got a bit discouraged the last 2 weeks because I was 4 weeks out from my goal date and I just wasn’t seeing the results I thought I would have by now.  I was looking at Oxygen Magazine & I think some of the before and after photos may be fudging on the dates a bit (especially in supplement advertisements).  Awesome transformations have more impact if it takes place in 3 months instead of 6.

It didn’t help that due partly to poor planning, a little social pressure and momentary self-justifications, I ate Taco Bell 5 days in 1 week.  Then I craved it for days.  I swear they put something in the tacos that make you crave it for a fortnight.  It would not have happened so much if I had planned my food better around several job interviews so I wasn’t starving the moment I was free.  I should have stuck to my guns a little better with one friend.  I didn’t because he already thinks I’m pretty weird and I just didn’t need that before a gig.  I also didn’t have anything with me as back up.  If I’d had a salad in a cooler I could have eaten that with him, but I was winging it again and hadn’t planned ahead.<strong />

I know there are people out there on this site who have made great transformations in 3 months.  I just think I should set slightly more reasonable goals for myself.  The fact I have managed to maintain my training through 2 job changes and 3 stretches of unemployment has got to count for something.  My stress levels are often high due to job hunting and going on interviews.  The yoga class I took at the gym my first day there, was the first time I had completely disconnected from the outside world and tuned into myself in about 6 months.  It was refreshing and calming and I so desperately needed it.  I do not want to make excuses for myself, but I also want to be realistic.  There is no point in a goal that is unrealistic.

I have found a job at last.  I’m a sales rep in a call center.  And its not doing nasty collections or cold calling like some of the places I interviewed.  Its only calling people who have requested information.  YEAH!

Its a small office with about 10 people and it seems to be a healthy environment.  Only time will tell of course, but I’m just so happy to not be home alone all day.  I was starting to get down and let my goals slip from my grip.

I have had to stop myself several times this week from calling my old job and simply laughing hysterically into the phone.  I’m trying to sever ties with them and keep my dignity intact.  Still, I have weak moments when I think, dignity be damned, hahahahahaha!
Oh, and get this, you know how I was told by the new manager Darrel at my old job that he was letting me go because he didnt need an admin assistant?  I was fired on Wednesday, 10 days later, he hired Cassie as an admin assistant!  I truely feel sorry for that woman.  She has no idea the hyenas she’s working for.

I’ve had several of the customers who I was really friendly with call or email me asking what the heck is going on?  I explained things to them in as neutral a manner as possible.  I have no idea if they will go tell my version of things directly to Darrel.  Lets just say the regulars are NOT happy about all the off the wall changes and the less than honest explanations they are receiving.

My dedication to my workouts has increased since I was hired.  The only problem I can see right now is it looks like everyone eats pretty badly.  I already succumbed to a small slice of pizza today.  It wasn’t even warm.  I cant let that continue.  I take my lunch every day but I’ve really got to stick to my eating schedule.  6 meals a day is not that easy to keep on track even with my phone alarms.

I’m going to have to keep reminding myself of my goals.

Things are looking up and I’ll tell you, my healthier routine has really helped me out with this wierd transition.  I dont think I could have gotten right back out there like I did if I had had that conditioned behavior of doing a workout and then getting to work; be it a real job or the job of looking for one.

I have been sending out resumes since last week.  So far its up to 38.  0 responses.

This is typical.  I sent out over 400 before I got my last job and then I got it through another method entirely.
I did a new cardio w/weights workout yesterday and my glutes are soar.  It feels gratifying yet strange to be happy about this.  I had to switch to upper body weight training today because of it.  It totally messed up my Body for Life journal for this week.  Ah well, it was too pristine anyway.

I tried out a balance ball workout today too.  Mostly stretching.  I havent stretched my abs in forever, it felt great and my spine was happy all day too.

This evening it was so nice outside I went for  a 2 mile walk.  I even jogged a bit.  It wasnt until I came home and sat down that I realized now my glutes are really soar.  No wonder I could only jog 1/10th of a mile at at time.  I completely forgot.

I may be working out too much now that I havent got a job.  I search the internet and send out resumes all day. For a break and to do anything else I find myself drawn to workout.    Is walking 2mi, doing a balance ball video & upper body weight training too much for one day?

Today/Wednesday I lost my job.  My brand new boss of less than 24 hours, who took over management on Tuesday, April 15, calls me early Wednesday and tells me theyre letting me go.  He rambled on about the branch being in the red, bla bla bla.

On Tuesday they made immediate changes to the office; rearranged the furniture, several people shifted to different cubicles for no apparent reason, they took all the posters down and put up new ones.  They even put different music on.

It felt downright wierd.

The tension in the air was very difficult for me to endure, it actually started to feel thick by the end of the day, and I knew something wasnt right when half the staff looked all happy and delighted to see the old management gone, yet they would barely speak to me as they moved their belongings and files to their New Cubes.  I wonder if they knew I was getting the ax?

For some reason I was apparently lumped in with the departing management.  I was the most recent hire, I had been there less than 2 months.  I was told by the New Manager Darrell, that he is perfectly willing to be a reference and highly recommend me to future employers.  He said I was smart, efficient, computer literate, easy to work with and had very professional and sympathetic people skills.  But, he doesnt feel he needs an administrative assistant.

They took my key away on Tuesday, claiming they needed it to “make copies”.  Right.

My former Manager Jenny, called to me on Wednesday evening to see how things were going and was completely shocked when I told her Darrell had let me go.   Half the shock was finding out Darrell was the new manager; he had left 2 weeks earlier for another job, leaving her in quite a muddle trying to replace him.  His departure set off the series of unfortunate events that made the owners perk up their ears and take notice, quickly making management changes and aparently bringing back the one person who caused all the havock in the first place with his quick departure.  I find this all very odd and I’m now thinking it may not have been random at all.

As soon as they took my key away on Tuesday I knew I was getting the ax.

They had 4 other people, including the new manager, whose keys could have been taken if they needed copies made.  My only surprise came in getting cut loose on Wednesday instead of Friday.  I guess they didnt want me underfoot for even 3 more days.  Oddly, Darrell called me several times later in the day asking where things were; customer reports, certain files, keys to filing cabinets when they found them locked, where the mail box was, etc.  I find that truely odd.  Why should I help them at all now that I dont work there?  And why do they just assume I would?  I admit I did help them after a few moments of amazement at their sheer gall.  But I did it for the sake of the customers, many of whom Id come to know and like during my time there and I dont want them suffering any more disruptions to their lives because I feel petty and want to lash out at the new manager.  This sort of thing was exactly why I thought they’d at least keep me around until Friday.

The good news in all of this is that I didnt fall apart (in front of anyone).  Oh, I got tense and I even broke down and cried around 5pm in the bathroom, but I was able to pull myself together, finish out the day and go home with my dignity intact.  I moped all Tuesday evening, feeling like a truck had run over me.  The stress had done a number on my body.  I ate comfort foods and watched my favorite shows on tape.

But come Wednesday, while not happy about all the changes taking place at work I was okay. Then I got the firing call.  I debated if I was offended to be fired over the phone, eventually deciding it was less stressful than a face to face and I could avoid 3 days of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Then I called the temp agency I had worked for previously and let them know of my availability.  I got dressed and worked out just like every morning.  My stomach was really soar when I tried to do my abs exercises and I had to take it easy, but other than feeling a little down I was okay.

This is a huge difference from before I started working out 6 days a week.  Before, if this event had occured, I might not have gotten out of bed for 2 days.  And I might not have notified the temp agency for another week after that.  This sort of thing used to completely knock me down.

Im glad to say exercise and weight training have made a huge difference in my life.  I have a better outlook, (life is what you make of it, not what you are handed), I set regular moderate goals and achieve them.  This whole thing is just a set back in my finances and time management.  I have to look for another job.  Okay.  I can do that.  It doesnt even scare me like it once did.  Sure I dont really want to go on interviews again, but Ill survive, just like I survived the time I dropped a 6lb dumbbell on my instep; or the time my elliptical actually came appart in the middle of a workout.  I iced the foot and worked around the injury for a week, and I got the wrench and put the bolt right back in the elliptical and kept going.  I wasnt about to let little things get in the way of my goals.  At the time I didnt even really see them as obsticles, I saw them as challenges, puzzles that had to be figured out before proceeding.

Funny how it never occured to me to give up.  I didnt realize that until I read that last sentence.  I think I have changed since health and exercise became a priority in my life.  When I wake up on Thursday April 17, I wont have a job to go to, but I do have a workout appointment to keep.  No way am I missing that!

Life is like a tilt-a-whirl.  Just when you get your balance and your stomach starts to calm the darn floor tips and everything starts leaning in the other direction.  I used to just want to get off the ride.  But lately I have found that by having understanding and compassion to accept the outside world, as it is, warts and all, I am finding understanding and compassion for myself.
I have found hiding from the world and its many complications doesn’t solve anything, it usually makes things worse.  Its one thing to take a time-out for a day or two, but spending months at a time blocking out everything is counter productive and lonely.

One of the ways I have blocked out the world is by being overweight.  I just couldn’t deal with certain things for a long time. By being overweight I had the perfect excuse to NOT do things.
I want more from life.  I want friends and activities and to be able to run along a moonlit beach without getting winded after 15 seconds.  I want to dance and laugh and have inside jokes with people I care about.
A few years ago I read a book that helped me to see most of the misery I was experiencing was of my own making.  This book is called Who Moved My Cheese.  It helped me see that what worked in the past was great, but life changes and starts swinging in the other direction and we must not only adapt but also anticipate that change.

So I got myself some help.  I read a lot of books; I did a lot of journaling.  I finally took the time I needed to nurture myself, without guilt or recriminations.  This is what was missing all along.  Sometimes the relationships we think we need and must keep are the ones holding us back the most.  Those toxic people who drain us of our own priceless life force need to be cleansed from our life, or at the very least, their influence needs to be severely limited.  This is one of the hardest things to do.
Old ideas and beliefs must also be examined and either discarded or at the very least reformatted to fit our life NOW.  One of the hardest beliefs I had to eliminate was believing that caring for your own body, mind and emotions was selfish.  And anything selfish is bad.  That it somehow made me a better person to be miserable, unhealthy and lonesome.  Now I know that was a very narrow and twisted view.  We must care for ourselves so we are healthy enough, mentally, emotionally and physically, to care for others.
Taking care of myself is now one of my biggest priorities.  I have only been working out for about 4 months.  I have been lo-carb dieting for several years.  In the last 4 months my strength and endurance have shot up.  My muscle tone has improved and my emotions are much more stable.  I get a post workout high every morning.  I now have a good evening routine so I go to sleep at a decent hour because I am looking forward to my morning workout.

If someone had told me a few years ago that in 2008 I’d be getting physically fit and love eating salads and working out; that I’d have new friends and a new job, that I’d have to get a day planner just to keep up with all the activities, I’d tell them to go jump off a pier into shark infested waters.  I just wasn’t willing to believe I deserved to be healthy and well, in every way.  Compassion for the self may be the hardest goal I have ever aimed for.  It is a strange journey, fraught with peril and misinformation.  Its like I’m a detective searching for clues.  I feel like this is my quest.  I cant wait to see whats over the next hill.