thgirlnxtdr

     A few years ago, my soon-to-be ex-husband and I and some friends of ours sailed the West Indies and went island hopping for 10 days.  It was, by far, the BEST vacation EVER!!  Great weather, great friends, our kids all got along well, the adults got along well….everything was GREAT…….and I came home with the tan of a lifetime.  I’m pretty fair-skinned, I don’t lie in the sun and it was a pretty big deal to me - I was thrilled….and I felt great, too.  I had some great tan lines and thought it would be the perfect time for me to have some Playboy type pics taken of me to give to my husband as a surprise to try a revive a failing marriage.  NOT a good idea…..at all!  The bottom-line reason for the divorce is that he’s abusive and I can’t take it anymore.  It’s mostly verbal and emotional, very little physical.  I know, any amount of physical is unacceptable; I just feel I should be clear.  Anyway, his reaction to the pics was…….odd and strange.  Although he said it was a fun idea, he had this kind of sh*t-eating grin plastered on his face.  I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or happy or surprised or pleased or what the deal was.
 
About 2 months later he came to me with my “portfolio” in his hand and said, ”Here.  I don’t want these.  What do you think, you’re perfect?  Because you’re not.”  That pretty much cleared up the sh*t-eating grin mystery.
 
The thing is, I’m really not bad looking and the Playboy pics were great.  He gave them back to me not because they were bad pics (they really were pretty good) but because he wanted to hurt me (and he did).  This is the kind of person he is.  He says it makes him mad that he can’t ”get to” me and that he can’t “break” me and that when he hurts me it makes him feel good and he feels better.
 
He’s told me I have the stupidest face he’s ever seen, I’m not feminine enough, he wishes I would die in a car accident (then tried to soften the blow by telling me I don’t need to feel bad because it’s not like he wants me to suffer and be hooked up to life support, he just wants me to die instantly!), I’m too plain, I don’t dress right (I’m a boots, jeans and a tee girl when I’m at home - I even like to wear my boots with my cutoff shorts), raises his fist to me and tells me he wants to bash my head in and smash my face in, my dinners weren’t “gourmet” enough (I’m a great cook - although, admittedly not gourmet), the house wasn’t clean enough (I’m a GREAT housekeeper), I didn’t fold his laundry correctly…….the list went on and on. 
 
We were at a party once and some guy was hitting on me big time - I couldn’t get rid of him (normally, I would’ve been flattered but this guy was a jerk).  Anyway, since I was there with my husband I asked for his help and he said, “You’re smart, you’re strong……you can take care of yourself.” 
 
I get a lot of looks and attention from guys (and girls) and I get asked out a lot too (too bad I’m so GD picky - guess I should’ve been this picky BEFORE I got married, huh?).  He’s told me that he feels sorry for me when guys look and stare and whistle.  I asked him why and he said that they’re just making fun of me!  And that if I ever go out with anyone they’re just going to go back to their friends and talk about me and make fun of me and laugh at me. 
 
He does lots of really weird things like banging his head against the wall when he’s mad - just to name one.  He even purposely physically injured one of our sons when he was only 3 years old.  He bent his little finger back over the back of his hand because he was having too much fun at the supper table. He wouldn’t stop until my son screamed and cried.  His little finger was bruised and swollen.  GD f*ck - I hate him for that.  He also, behind my back, took my diary to work with him and gave it to one of his employees to read!
 
I could go on and on but I probably shouldn’t - BB.com isn’t really the place for this “talk” - its just part of the reason for my “How/Why I Started” and I feel like writing. 
 
I needed and wanted to do something that would make me feel good about me (actually, I’ve always felt good about me and I’ve always liked me but I really needed to get him out of my head).   I was wasting away physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I felt as though I had no soul or self left and I was down to about 110# (not a lot of weight for my 5′6″ ht - even I thought I was too skinny).  When I looked in the mirror I saw a dark, drawn shell of myself.  The glint in my eyes, the fire in my spirit, the spark in my personality and the happiness I’m known so well for were all gone.    
 
I had to get out but I couldn’t.  He had stolen all of our joint monies and savings to keep me from leaving.  One day I went to make a deposit in our Savings account and all but $300 was withdrawn.  He said he took the money to keep me from taking it to leave and had no plans, whatsoever, to return it and that he planned on making the divorce nasty.  He said he’d go to jail before giving me one penny.
 
I knew I HAD to do something that would help me get healthy again - and help me leave and be able to support myself.  But first I had to get healthy.
 
Physically, I was already thin enough but thought it would be a great time to start a weight training routine.  I had always been athletic and worked out anyway so adding a weightlifting program to my routine would be a welcome and necessary distraction.
 
Job-wise, I knew I wasn’t an “office worker” or “cubicle” or “corporate” type (been there, done that, hated it - but was very good at my job I might add) and I knew I had to choose a profession in which I could easily succeed.  I had to set myself up to succeed and I couldn’t allow myself to get involved in something where I might fail - I couldn’t take any more rejection.  I needed to boost my morale, my ego…..and my bank account.  I was distraught so much so that I was unable to focus nevertheless learn a new job.  I had to do something that would come naturally to me and something that would keep my interest and it had to be something that I would enjoy.
 
After “interviewing” myself, it didn’t take me long to come up with the idea of Restaurant Hostess and Police Dispatcher.  Hence, the 2 jobs I have today.  I’m a natural at socializing (friendly, approachable, not easily intimidated, easy to get along with), I look good, dress nice, blah, blah, blah.  And….I had always been interested in and wanted a profession in Law Enforcement.  Dispatching was “different” (I LOVE “different”) and 911 was second nature for me.  I’m everyone’s “go-to” girl - the one all my friends call in an emergency, the levelheaded one, the quick-thinker, responsible, take charge and always cool.
 
Emotionally, I’m still working on that.  I have an incredibly hard time dealing with the things he’s said to me and moving on.  I can’t believe that someone who claims to love me so much, my best and most trusted friend in the whole world, someone that I’ve bared my heart, soul and body to could consciously, intentionally and purposely do such mean-spirited and hurtful things to someone they claim to love.  He’d tell me that his behavior was normal and that hurting your spouse was the intent of an argument.  He said I could ask anybody and that’s what they’d tell me.  I had always held the belief that resolving an issue was the intent of an argument while trying to avoid hurting the feelings of your spouse - silly me!
 
So, that’s a long answer to a simple question.  I guess I just could’ve said, “To improve myself.  Working out is something I do for me - it makes me feel good…….no, it makes me feel great.”     
 
Btw……..he wants us to reconcile because he loves me!  When I told him I wasn’t interested he said, “Things would be easier if you were dead”.  Ah, true love.  I continue to save my money.