I’m just sayin…

I’m losing my hips…well, I’ve lost them!

This morning was upper body and coach felt the need to work his own dieting frustrations out on my shoulders…that’s fine but I had a hard time driving home. He was pointing out places where he is seeing seperation and striations in my arms and back…then I noticed it! I got excited - the Taper! I’ve got the ‘V’!

My mother said that I never had hips but now she really has something to hate on me about! True, my clothes are fitting me differently but I don’t notice things until coach points them out…until then I just think that I’m behind. I just need to make sure that I keep up my cardio.

Saturday we will have another walkthrough so I’ll be able to take and post some more scantily clad pics. LOL!

But maybe I should. Today really is Friday the 13th and its hit me hard all before 7am. I get up this morning and I notice a wet spot on my ceiling - I’ll worry about it when I get back from the gym. Uh…if I can get there. My tire is low…extrememly low. *sigh* Well, there’s a gas station with an air pump next to the gym so I’ll take care of it and then workout. Its a good thing that my workout was off the chain, otherwise, it would not have been worth getting out of bed today.

Leaving the gym, I notice that my car is now leaning…literally. My tire is completely flat. Oh, I don’t have time for this. I limp back to the gas station to fill it up. Its only 6:45 so nothing is open. I drive, carefully, back home…I shower, pack my meals, call my boss, and head to the Tire shop. I got there at 7:20 (that was the quickest that I’ve ever gotten ready) and sat outside and just felt my tire go flat.

I have a nail in both of my front tires and both need to be replaced. While I’m here, lets get it all done; so I include an oil change, alignment, and tune up…$250 gone all before noon! Not to mention I have this ghostly leak coming from upstairs. I think its pipes or something becuse I checked the and nothing is wet or leaking.

I want to go back to bed…its not even noon and I’ve spilled my coffee too.

I had my first breakdown

I’m exhausted…my whole body is threatening to rebell against me if don’t stay in bed. This is purely mental. I drag myself to the gym and think and just know I won’t get anything out of it; then I’m in the zone and life is good again. I get this renewed energy that allows me to skip through the gym as if I have a coffee IV hooked up to my arm.

….But, this weekend was different….the thought crossed my mind more then once that I might not be able to do this. No, I don’t want to do this anymore. I felt like I was killing myself and not seeing results and I won’t be ready. I felt my exhaustion turning into depression. I’m an emotional eater… and when I can’t eat the only other option is to cry. I became a bumbling fool! I was the girl in the movie who pisses you off because she’s upset over everything yet nothing…

Thank God for Bodyspace! I logged on just so I could get some motivation. Let me just tell you…You guys are awesome. I didn’t have to ask but I got encouragement just from reading other articles, comments, blogs, and forums. Then I sent an email to my mentor/big brother type (also on Bodyspace) and he told me that is was probably the carb depletion…added some other things too and it helped a lot.

But I still dreaded Monday…I had this vision of walking into the studio and Coach would look at my stomach and be completely disappointed; he would put me on the scale and wanna knock me in the head for wasting his time. *sigh* I got up and went to the gym at 5am. Ran HIIT and then trained with Coach on legs. He made me leg press 400lbs to help me vent out my frustration…surprisingly, it helped. He looked me over and was pleased…I was shocked so I explained my weekend. He did wanna knock me in the head. He said that I need to run the race and learn to control my emotions because it will get worse. He fussed at me for not calling him and thinking that I could go through this by myself.

When I want to give up, it helps to talk to someone who is going through this…I have a new love for this site. BB.com is AA for Competitors.

Breakdown officially over!

The last two weeks of progress Pics have been posted and I have mixed feelings about how I look. I definitely feel better and look better then before but I’m not ‘competition’ happy.  I wish that I could start my weeks all over at this point instead of where I was 5 weeks ago. Coach said that I’ll never be happy with my appearance…even the week of the comp I’ll feel like I won’t be happy. ‘Its good’ he says, ‘it’ll keep you focused. If you are ever happy with how you look then we’re not training right. Being unsatisfied keeps you on your toes and always training hard.’
This week we started posing. I was instructed on Saturday to bring my heels and a two-piece. Coach needed to take a look at me and I was nervous about what he would say when he saw me. Of course, I thought this would be a private session…imagine my surprise and chagrin when I walked into a packed studio. Sure, I’ll have to get used to the idea of being up in front of people but I plan on looking and feeling a lot better than my current state. 
I had to walk and then we worked on posing (as people watched)…LOL!! The only thing I can say about it…I know what I’m doing wrong I just don’t know how to fix it. When I get one thing I lose form somewhere else…just to add to my stress, right?
‘I’ve got time’ coach keeps saying. I don’t feel like it though. I wish that this were my only job…to train. It’s all that I think about. When I’m at work, I’m restless. I wish I could do more because I think if I had one more hour to devote, I could feel some contentment.
Honestly though, even if I had that extra hour I doubt I would ever be satisfied.