texqueen1’s BodyBlog

  Arggg!!! Ok,so,I have fallen off the wagon Of course,I have plenty of good excuses,but that does’nt change much. Unfortuatly-sp? I have gained 7 lbs.!! I know to some that does’nt sound like a big deal,but when you are only 5′1",it is! The fat can only distribute itself in so many places-not many places on such a small person! My boobs have gotten bigger-they were big enough before. My butt has really rounded itself out-not in a good way!! As you gals know,it is SO depressing!!! I have all but admitted self defeat. Just when I try to pull it together,something else drags me down,down into the dark depths of comfort foods!! This week,my son got sick again and ended up in the hospital for two days! He’s doing well now,but my hell! If it is’nt one thing,it’s another. I shove anything and everything I can find into my mouth in the hopes that it will magically take away my woes. Suprisingly-sp? it just makes everything worse! I would try to convince you that I was conducting an experiment-binging in the name of science! HaHa. I’m not really amused. It’s deff time to get this party started.

 Ugh. That’s all I have to say. Ugh. This last few months has been slowly getting worse and worse for me. As you may or may not know,I spent a lot of time in the city during the Spring months this year. It is a 3 hour drive away from my home. I was staying up late,in hotel rooms,working,playing,and driving back and fourth. I really wore myself out! My body was not happy with me. I was in awesome shape when I started the traveling,but I did’nt maintain during. I was just too tired when I would get back home. I also had to get things at home together after being away. Looking back now,I realize what a bad idea that was. My Fibro really flared up this last few weeks. It has been a challenge just to get through the day. The exhaustion has been excrutiating! sp? Anyways, I’ve had to take a step back and look at my life from the outside. I’ve realized that I am more fragile than I could have ever imagined. As tough and strong as my spirit is, my body is that much more frail. So, I HAVE GOT TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF! I am not a Spring chicken anymore! HaHa!! This Sepetember, I will be 29…yup,29. Of course,I should’nt be as sick as I am, but, this is the hand I was delt, and I’m not foldin’.  I can’t let this illness get the best of me and I won’t. I’m a fighter. One day at a time.

 So,my most favorite thing to do is to go for a long walk. I started when I was 14 to kind of escape my unstable home life. It was a great way to get away and release my stress. I would look through the windows of the houses as I would walk past and imagine what it must be like to be a part of that life. It is still a great way to get away, though now my life is much less stressful. I am reverted back to a child like state as soon as I step foot out of the door. I am still amazed at the beautiful world around me. The sounds,the smells,the trees,the feel of the breeze,the colors. I am humbled to find that I am just this tiny spec in this great big world. It is so freeing to me. You can physically go just about anywhere your two feet will take you. There are no bounderies. You can cross fields or hop fences. It is a great way for me to spend time alone with my thoughts and feelings. I get the chance to sort it all out on the pavement. I could SO be like Forrest Gump and walk around the country! I usually get so distracted that I end up walking much farther away from home than I had planned. So, I end up having to walk a lot farther to get back home. I’ll actually cause myself to get huge blisters on my heals from walking so much! It really is my favorite cardio exercise

 Ahh..to compete or not to compete…that is the question. I was considering competing this year. I REALLY want to! My self motivation,drive,and competitive nature makes the thought very exciting. I backed down from competing thus far because of lack of support from my husband. He did’nt want to spend the money or alot me time away from him or the house to train and compete. He was also very afraid that I would begin to get a little to ‘manly’! HaHaHa!! Now,don’t get me wrong,I’m not one to sit back and let ANYONE tell me what I can or can’t do. I can be very hard headed and strong willed especially when I’m challenged. At the same time,I try to be the best wife and mom that I can be. I’ve let the idea rest for a while now to focus on my family,but the itch is still there…nagging at me!! I saw a couple of competitions later this year that will be close to me and it really sparked a desire in me. When I started to train with my trainer-Phil Valenti-last year, I had a goal in mind….COMPETITION. I guess it is so much easier for me to stay on track with a goal in my sights. Since I decided to hold off, I kinda lost the will to lift. I love it SO SO SO much!!!! I miss it!! And I really WANT to compete! So, how do I weigh the pros and cons…Money? We have MORE than enough. Time? I will have TONS when my kids get back to school in August and I don’t work. Training? I have an AWESOME personal trainer and a home gym that has EVERYTHING I need. My Health? My Fibro is WORSE when I don’t lift. Support? My family, my trainer, and my friends on BB.com. So…..cons? Ummm…..I have to get back to you on that one

  Ok. I have been gone too long! ‘where have you been?’, you ask, well….it all started with a little thing called ‘acting’……….

  So,as you may or may not know,I’ve been traveling a lot to take part in a couple of films. It has been a lot of fun. I have met a lot of great people and done things I never thought I would. It has been a great experience and learning lesson. You see,I am not as young as I used to be,and unfortunately,my Fibro seems to be getting a little worse with age. All of the traveling,hotel rooms,long days working,and late nights in the city left me completly worn down. I was too busy on the weekends that I was out of town to workout and too exhausted when I got back home. If I had a day or two to recover,it would have helped,but I have a lot going on at home to take care of. I came home so exhausted that I actually made myself sick. I was in bed for 3 days one week and 4 days the next after coming back home from the city last month. I was so dizzy and nausiated that I could’nt bare to open my eyes. I slept for three days!! I could’nt stay awake for more than five minutes at a time! That was weird for me. I have gotten so far behind that my Fibro has really been keeping me down. My back and ribs are sore to the softest touch. My shoulders have very limited range of motion and are aching terrible. My fingers have all been mysteriously slipping out of place. I wake up with pain in my hands and fingers. My fingers are all swollen like little sausages! I can’t move them much without severe pain. My son has had to open bottles of water for me and pour milk for his sister because I can’t use my fingers. My Chiro has been putting the joints back into place for me,but they just slip right back out again. I could’nt type this if it were not for my one good finger!! HaHa!! Anyways, I know this too shall pass and I’ll be back to myself soon. I have realized that God only gave me so much energy and strength. I have to use my time wisely and take care of what is truly important

So…I have finally been getting some sleep,thanks to Triazadone. My doc said it was non-habit forming and I could take it forever if I wanted to. I feel like a new woman!!! I don’t think I even realized how much sleep deprivation was affecting my life until I got a good night’s sleep. I could’nt feel better. I don’t feel the need for Red Bull in the morning now!

So, this weekend I went back out to the city to go to the screening of my latest film and then a wrap party for all of the film makers involved in the film festival. It was really cool seeing myself up on the ‘big screen’! I was very leased to see the outcome of it all. It’s kinda hard to picture the film when you are in the midst of filming it. It is all in unorganized bits and pieces. I was very pleased with the finished product, and I made a cute bunny It was also neat to see a few of the other films that were in the festival. The wrap party was held at an art institute, which I LOVED!! Very interesting and creative people out there. I was honored to be a part of it all.

  Ahh…there’s nothing like the tangy taste of a Red Bull first thing in the morning. I gave up coffee-which I love-and recently traded it for Red Bull. Why? Because I’m back to being a walking zombie everyday,that’s why. I can’t get a good night’s sleep to save my life. As you may or may not know, the most important thing for Fibromyalgia sufferers is sleep. It is bad for anyone to not get enough sleep,but for me it is litterally tourture. I just can’t function on less than 7 hours of sleep. I don’t sleep well even if I do get 7 hours,so I need at least that just to get through the day. I have tried it all. I even found myself taking two Tylenol PM’s, a glass of wine, and a muscle relaxer out of desperation for sleep. I know it seems extreme and very dangerous,but life had become unbearable without sleep! It probably should have put me to sleep for a week, but it did’nt help at all. I know a lot of it has to do with my anxiety,which I am finding to become more and more of a problem. I am finally realizing how bad it really is for me. I know what you must be thinking..’is there anything that IS’NT wrong with this girl’!! HaHa!! I wonder that myself sometimes! Imagine how I feel! I have such drive and determination to reach the stars and live life to the fullest….but,my body just won’t cooperate. I feel like I am a huge puzzle whose pieces are out of sorts. I’ve got all these pieces that I need to fit together to make myself complete. I just can’t figure it all out! It is so frusterating! I want to help people through my own experiences,but I can’t help anyone if I have a hard time just making it through the day! This too shall pass,I know. I’m just tired of it all.

  YaY! I really worked it today. I killed my legs, but it feels good! I changed things up a bit this week. No heavy weights for mass, but light weights and ALOT of reps each muscle group. I’m trying to lean out, tone and tighten up to get the look I need for some things I’m doing. I love love love gaining muscle!! The bigger the better!! But, for now, it’s just gotta be a little less. I’m doing a little acting, so I gotta look the part. I’m gonna look great with my trainer’s help. Phil Valenti is my trainer. I’ve given him a really hard time, but he’s stuck with me and helped me tremendously! He’s The Man!

  Ok, so driving to Wal-Mart today, I saw these two young guys standing by the road holding up a cardboard box sign saying ’car broke down’. Normally I would help someone if I thought I could, but I was alone and really did’nt feel comfortable stopping to give these guys money or a ride-yea, I’m kinda peranoid! Besides, they were young and actally dressed decent enough, so I figured they’d be alright. Anyways, a funny thought crossed my mind…..when homeless or other people in need are looking for help they always have cardboard signs. Where do they get the boxes and black magic markers from? Are these items we all should carry around with us…just in case?

 I have come to the conclusion that I live a somewhat weird life. On one hand, I’m your typical, middle-class, suburban, SUV driving, church going, housewife and soccer mom. Then on the other hand, I LOVE lifting weights, which is SO weird here where I live. I’m the only girl I know that does it!! I’m also the only girl I know that takes off to the city for the day to a modeling audition or to play actress in a film. As if my life is’nt busy enough taking care of a huge house, two small children, a husband, and two dogs! It’s kinda like I have two different lives trying to mesh together. I really want to get certified as a Nutrition Consultant and a Personal Trainer. I would LOVE to compete, but I think I have to put that off for a little while. It takes a lot of time and committment to train to compete. I know I could do it….I would LOVE to push myself as a competitor. I know that there are lots of women with children at their feet, that are awesome competitors, but I just can’t seem to get it figured out! It’s like a juggeling act! Maybe I can get it together one day and compete. For now…I guess I’ll be doing a little acting this summer-kinda weird, but OH SO FUN!