tegid’s BodyBlog

OK, this might get slightly controversial.. There is a film coming out in three days’ time called Bigger, Stronger, Faster. Its trailer is at http://www.apple.com/trailers/magnolia/biggerstrongerfaster/hd/  (hi def trailer at http://www.apple.com/trailers/magnolia/biggerstrongerfaster/hd/). Now I haven’t seen the film yet, so I want to make sure that I don’t make any ignorant assumptions about the film. The trailer is obviously trying to ’shock’ people into going to watch the film (sorry - movie!) and I’ll leave it to others to form their own opinions on the film itself.

There is one brief scene in the trailer showing the words ‘Whatever the cost’ and then a guy sat at a stadium asking "if you had to take a drug with the known side-effects of anabolic steroids, to keep your job right now and support your family, would you do it?" and this has really got to me. Basically because there are ethical similarities with my own situation at the moment (despite me not actually using anabolic steroids).

For those that don’t know, I developed the condition known as epilepsy eight years ago. This means that the way that my brain’s cells send chemical messages to each other has changed. This has altered the excitability of my whole brain in a way that predisposes it to seizures. I need to take this opportunity to thank the people at the gym that have helped me when I have gone into seizure - Adam247 and Jdavidson1987 in particular.

When I first developed the conditions, doctors simply handed me some drugs and said ‘take these twice a day’. I ended up unable to look after myself (I was manager of a University’s Fitness Services at the time) and hence I had to go and live with my parents. Nobody knew what was happening: my Mom thought I had a brain tumor, my Dad thought I was having a breakdown. I still kept having seizures. Funnily enough, the doctors changed the drugs they had given me for epilepsy and the effects diminished in about a week. So I went out and re-trained and rebuilt my life, becoming a special needs teacher.

Seven years passed and during this time I became slowly more and more sick. By November 2007 I was unable to work at all, had Chronic Fatigue, lowered immunity and a digestive system that was intolerant of more and more foods. I was still having seizures.  So I took matters into my own hands and stopped taking the epilepsy pills. Since that time my health has gradually improved. (I have kept weight training throughout all of this).

Here’s the bit that ties in with that film. The doctors have told me that I MUST take their drugs again, because the drugs will reduce the seizures that I have. They predict that I will either be killed by a seizure or injure myself during a seizure. They have told me that they will not treat me unless I take these anti-convulsant drugs, so I feel that I am being forced into a similar predicament as people that are ‘having’ to take drugs with the side-effects of anabolic steroids in order to keep jobs and support families.

The doctors treating me recently admitted that drugs they want me to take DO have side-effects on the immune system, the hormone system (lower testosterone), the digestive system, sleep (insomnia), vision, skin, memory, concentration and speech. Looking through medical journals such as ‘Neurology’ indicates that there are a number of other side-effects associated with the chronic use of these anti-convulsant drugs, including osteoporosis (brittle bones), and disorders of the blood, liver and heart. A number of psychological illnesses are noted too. These drugs are used to treat mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, too.

So, If I go back to the phrase that I saw in the movie trailer, showing the words ‘Whatever the cost’, I would like to ask a similar question: "if you had to take a drug with the known side-effects of anti-epileptics, to keep your job right now and support your family, would you do it?". I wonder how people would answer….

I have a suspicion that the same drugs companies developed certain anabolic steroids and anti-epilepsy drugs in the 60’s 70’s and 80’s. How interesting that one of those categories is now seen as ‘a dirty little secret’, ’sends the wrong message’ and ’something simply un-American’ whereas the other category is assumed to be safe and repeatedly prescribed to millions of people around the world. I’d say a lot of this involves people’s attitudes, and dangerous assumptions based on information given out by whoever developed both categories of pharmaceuticals.

People getting yelled at for taking drugs on one hand, people getting yelled at for NOT taking drugs on the other… Crazy.

Is there anyone awake at the end of all that??

I wrote this for somebody that asks me a lot of philosophical questions. Once I told them that I’d written something about it in my bodyblog and they read through EVERY bodyblog post I’d ever written. I’ve recently been told that I could die at any point and this has had an impact on my thoughts.  I guess that now is as good a time as any to write down some of those philosophical things for them.  It would be a shame if they were never said and they could have somehow gained something from them.

Anyhow: this is for them.

—————-

1. Believe in your dreams – others may put them down but they are what make you unique.  Dreams can be physical, emotional or spiritual and they pull you toward the better you of the future – the you that you will become in time.

2. Welcome change – in yourself and in others.  Change is always going to happen – to prevent it is counter-productive.  Preventing change will prevent those dreams coming to fruition.  Admittedly change can be both for the better and for the worse.  Preventing change altogether stops any improvement happening.  This means that the future version of you is allowed to be different from the current version of you.  With time you will gain so much experience and become so resourceful. The world can benefit from all your future achievements, so allow these changes to happen – and never fear change.

3. Remove fear from your life - whenever you can.  Fear is what freezes situations and prevents change.  Hence fear stops dreams from coming true.  Learn to recognize fear and learn how to manage it.  As you become more experienced and more resourceful, you will become more expert at realizing when fear is lurking behind situations and when it has the potential to freeze you and others.  You will learn new and inventive ways to disarm fear so that your life becomes incredibly peaceful and full of calm and joy.  You will be able to share this calm and joy with those you love.  Experience peace, love and joy to the full.  Build family life early – that way you will get the most time to enjoy sharing these things.  You will get to experience the gift of life going from you to your children and grandchildren.  The joy will be unsurpassed.  I know that you have the courage to confront fear and you’ll pass this to your children, too.  When they come along, I am convinced they will adore you for it.

4. Don’t be afraid to adore – be it your partner, your children, your hobby, your work, your life.  The sensation of adoration is fantastic and it is infectious – people will adore you back.  By all means scrutinize situations and motives – just make sure you don’t mistakenly adore something that has the potential to increase fear.  Be free to adore and enjoy the sensations it brings.  Hiding behind reserve only leads to loss.  So adore life – and life will adore you back.

I am actually taking some time off training - I’m going to a place called Sandbanks, next to the sea, to stay with friends there for 3 days. My objective while there is to make sandcastles the way I experienced when I was a kid. I remember my dad creating huge sculptures in the sand - castles, crocodiles and dragons - and all of us would join in and help. I remember the actual tactile sensation of the sand while making these sand ‘castles’ and thought that I’d like to experience it again, particularly after the things I experienced yesterday.

My Dad and I went to see the neurologist (epilepsy specialist) in a specialist hospital for epilepsy in Chalfont St Peter (north London). I’m afraid it wasn’t a productive meeting.  I explained that I had stopped taking the drugs they recommended and my overall condition had improved. I was experiencing more seizures than when I was taking the drugs.  Another consultant had diagnosed me with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I wanted to inform the neurologist of the Treatment Plan that I was following for Chronic Fatigue. The neurologist declared that this was ‘doctor shopping’ and had led me to make ‘uninformed decisions’. They explained that I had a degenerative and terminal condition, that I was unsuitable for surgery - as it could lead to brain injury, that I had to accept that all medications came at a cost - I had to live with that cost and that unless I followed their directions exactly, they would refuse to treat me any further.

This was the first time I had been told that I have a degenerative, terminal condition (after nearly 8 years of unsuccessful treatment for epilepsy). Not surprisingly, I felt scared, sad and very angry.

I found it astonishing that somebody who had just told me that I was going to be killed by a seizure then invoked the exact emotional conditions that are shown to be the most likely to trigger a seizure. I felt particularly hurt when my Dad was told that his son was going to die; his father died very early and now he’s been told his son will.

So….. I have to decide what I want to do next; the consultant delivered an ultimatum that they described as similar to ‘divorce’ (I didn’t realize we were married - how very polygamous of me). Either I choose to follow their directions exactly, without question, accepting that side-effects were necessary and without ‘doctor shopping’ or I choose to die.

I’m writing a ‘to do’ list.  Of things I want to do before I die. One item on the list of ‘things I want to do before I die’ is go back and make sandcastles. There’s a bodybuilding contest on it, too.

———————-
A huge thanks to Jordan and Adam who got to pick up the pieces of me/for me by the time I got to the gym with this lot going around my mind. Legends.