teenyGreen’s BodyBlog

I’ve been in a pissy mood lately.  I’m a bit sensitive today, maybe I’m getting my period soon.  So I took my frustrations out on the online world, because irl you have to have to face the consequences of what you say or write.  It’s unfortunate that you can never really take something back once you say it.  It is even worse when your online world interferes with real life.  But no one really cares on the internet.

It’s lame on my part.  I can’t connect with people.  I’m finding out it has a lot to do with my relationship with my father.  I have "friends" irl, but they are just people I go do things with or talk about work with.  I don’t even talk to my "real life" friends about religion, politics, and sex.  But the internet is so safe, it’s not confrontational imo.  You don’t like what someone has to say you can ignore them, insult them, or switch to a different website.  It’s very likely in a few days they will forget who you are anyway.

I was going to write how I feel about my life and what’s going on in it now, because the internet is so lovely and anonymous.  But I can’t let myself be vulnerable.  I can’t cry in front of anyone.  I can’t tell people I care about, how I truly feel.  I can’t tell someone when they hurt me.  I’m a rock.  That’s what my daddy taught me.  I’m afraid if I don’t say how I feel; I will lose him.  If I do say how I feel; I fear I’ll lose him too.

Once again I have lost focus.  I workout, I eat, but I don’t keep track, and I don’t have a goal.  Right now I just lift when I have time, and I work what isn’t sore.  I would like to hit my hams and glutes twice a week.  It’s hard for me to get a workout in at my gym.  People come over and talk to me.  It’s so annoying.  I am used to being the type of gym member that wears headphones and doesn’t smile.  But since I work at my gym, I know everyone there.  Don’t people realize working out and talking don’t mix.

So goals…I wanted to compete in the Spring.  That won’t happen.  I was thinking of the summer shows too, but I think I will need to wait for the Fall.  My calf is messed up.  I will probably need more surgery.  I plan to stay lean, put on some more muscle, and eat more.

I managed to cut back on lifting.  I’m going for longer, slower lifts and sticking to the basics–squat, bench, deadlifts, militaries, chin ups, and dips.  I’ll probably alternate a heavy lifting week with a lighter week with more reps and less weight. I’m sure I will do more varied exercises.  I’m not doing the best at keeping track.  I can’t even recall what I did this week.  Yesterday was Latin dance class, so I had an hour of intense cardio.  I plan on doing chest and arms today.

I’m getting headaches again.  It’s not as bad as the horrible migraines I would get before.  I think I may be allergic to eggs.  That’s the only thing I have changed in my diet.  It could be my blood is too thin.  I haven’t checked it at the lab in weeks.

My diet is going well.  I didn’t eat as many sandwiches yesterday as I did earlier in the week.  I have a hard time eating when I am on the run.  I would have had a protein bar, but those are usually full of sugar, gluten, and dairy.  Sugar, that’s why I have a headache.  I ate a whole pack of gummie worms.  The ones covered with salt and sugar.  That’s the only candy I like, and since I’m bulking I thought I would start with a treat.  I plan to eat more clean food than that.  I’m certain that’s the cause of my headaches.

I ate 24oz soy chocolate milk, 3 bananas, 2 pb and j brown rice bread sandwiches, 1 ham brown rice bread sandwich, a bowl of veggies, rice noodles with pasta sauce and ground beef, and a glass of apple juice.  That’s over 2000 calories.  That is a lot for me.  I am trying.  I think I will add more protein and a mass gainer.  I really want to add size, instead of drop weight.  I haven’t weighed myself, because I am afraid I am still losing weight.  I bought a pair of size 3 jeans a couple weeks ago and they are loose.  They have also been dried in the dryer.  That normally shrinks jeans for me.  It’s weird.
I did legs today.  I super-setted 45 degree leg press at 180lbs 4 sets 8-10 reps with front squats on the smith machine 75lbs 4 sets 8-10 reps

Then I did STLD with DBs 30lbs 4 sets 8-10 reps super-setted with Bulgarian split squats with my body weight 4 sets 8 reps.

Then I trained a couple of people and had a good steam and sauna.  My back hurts, I think I slept on it wrong.  I’m still hungry so I’m getting a smoothie.

Side note:  It is amazing how easy it is to get steroids and how many people do them at gyms.  It is really ridiculous.  Today was the third time I was propositioned for roids.  I have to admit I am tempted.  It is so frustrating doing this naturally and not putting on any size, and just shrinking away.   But I remembered what my father said, when I first told him about competing in bb comps, "Don’t do steroids."  It’s silly, but I responded, "Dad i would never do steroids.  I don’t want to look like a dude."  But here I am a year later thinking about it.  Well no way.  I can’t disappoint my father that way, my children, and myself.  I am just going to have to eat a ton and lift a few tons.  Just nail it out.  So I may not place against the NPC women.  I will give it my best and I know I have already won in my eyes.

I thought I found my happy medium.  I watch my kids during the day and train clients in the evening.  I don’t have to waste my money on daycare, and I can take the kids with me to workout during the day.  The setback is I’m responsible for doing all of my other stay at-home mom duties.  It’s just impossible for me to keep a clean house, laundry, and a three and four year old clean and happy with this schedule.   So I’ve let some things go, mainly the house.  Screw housework…

This past week was monumental for me.  I did unassisted dips.  I never tried them before.  I didn’t expect that I could do any.  But after a "challenge" from a male member, I did several.  I will be adding them to my workouts with some extra weight.  During my workout I superseted them with tricep pulldowns.  I don’t remember all of my workouts last week.  I haven’t logged them in weeks.  I do that often for other people so when I go into the gym to workout, I like to be spontaneous.

I’ve also learned the benefit of a steam and sauna post workout.  I feel really good.  I’m eating more thanks to the miracle of brown rice bread.  I love sandwiches, filing, and convenient like a "hot..pocket".

So now I

Wait.

Wait for the bureaucrats

Wait for the managers

Wait for the supervisors

Wait for the hypocrites

Wait for more liars

Wait for the judgment

Wait for a long time

Wait for what "justice"

Waiting, waiting, waiting,

Wait for them to give me a reason to leave

Wait for them to send me away

Wait and put my fate in someone else’s hands

The puppeteer has no thumbs.

Why is it a foreign notion?  Having class, tact, and being assertive don’t seem very popular anymore.  People are more concerned about covering their asses and blaming a scape goat.  The problem is a noble person cannot be a scape goat.  You can’t take an honest person and try to convince them of lies when they know the truth.  Dishonest people always show themselves for what they are in the end.  They have to continue to lie about small things that are easily proved to cover a large lie.  I think they hope no one will notice or make a big deal.  They didn’t meet a noble woman.  A woman that will go to the end to do what is right.  Nobility is about pride, honour, and honesty.  You either have it or you don’t.

Why is so much time wasted on people b*tching about other people’s pictures?  There are far more offensive things on this site than a breast or a nipple peaking out.  I just don’t care.  I’m sick of the complaining.  If you are super offended you can report the person.  Then the bb.com mods will do something about maybe.  You can also not go to profiles with pictures you deem too "sexy".  Okay, this is suppose to be a bodybuilding site, well it’s just not how it used to be.  That’s what happens when something becomes popular and mainstream.  If you hate it so much you are free to go somewhere else.  This is the internet.

Why is it that some men can’t understand, fathom, or believe a woman can be both attractive and intelligent?  As much as I love my job, I hate the politics.  It seems like no one wants to take responsibility their actions.  The blame is passed down the manager chain to the subordinates.  Well, where does that put me?  I am essentially an independent contractor.  I don’t believe anyone is above me.  I am off to the side just assisting the client.  To get to my point whether I have many bosses or none at all, I treat people equally.  The janitors, the vp, the operations manager, the sales manager, all equal.  So when the wonderful Operations Manager graced us with his divine presence, I asked him why there was not a policy in writing with regards to the daycare facility.  I feel since I am at the gym a couple of hours at a time.  I should be able to use the daycare for my children.  I’ve done it for over a week.  It’s the cheapest daycare ever.  But the “fill in the blank” manager told some other “fill in the blank” manager, who apparently works over me that I couldn’t bring my children in the evening.  Well I went to the source, the first manager, I’ll call him Ross.  Ross tells me they had a meeting about the daycare the day before and employees have to pay to use it.  Well that’s $20 a month, cheapest daycare ever.  Another manager, I’ll call him Timmy, uses the daycare without charge when his wife comes to workout.  Can you guess Timmy’s race and sex?  I’m sure you can.  They are the ones that are typically in the majority.

It’s amazing how quickly people forget conversations when in front of the “Operations Manager”.  Which btw, how do you become a manager of a fitness club and not get in shape?  It’s also amazing that a manager will blatantly lie in front of the operations manager.  Who is this guy, that everyone thinks is God?  Does he even have the authority to fire someone?  I don’t know.  He’s a fat, old man.  But he turned my colleagues, who also thought the daycare was open to employees and used the facility into Judases.

I didn’t even workout today.  I just completely forgot.  I guess that’s stress for you.  I could do it now, but I have someone to train at 6 am.  I can’t keep up with this. I’m going to find a day job and just train members in the evening.

I did eat well today, two brown rice bread pb and j sandwiches, a yam, a breast of chicken, and a bowl of berries.  That is a lot for me.  The day before I ate the same, but added a ham brown rice sandwich, tortilla chips, salsa, and an orange.

I am so excited everytime I take back pictures.  It is so motivating, because my back gets ripped far before my lower body leans out.  I’m working on my taper, my glutes, and my hams.  Those were my weakest areas during my competition.  Of course, I work everything, and I work it hard.

I plan to keep track of my workouts again.  But apparently, it’s working for me.  I just burn what’s not sore.  Saturday I did back and biceps.  My diet has been a lot better.  I’ve been eating every few hours like I should.

2/20/07 above

1/11/08 above

I have to rant a bit, because I have a had time letting my self off the hook for not being more assertive with people.  My sister inlaw just got engaged.  That is so wonderful.  I am super happy for her and she is awesome.  Some of her extended friends through friends are unbelievable.  I am so sick of crazy people that try to control every situation and treat their animals better than people.

My husband and I hosted a celebration for his sister and her fiance at an awesome piano bar.  After being there for two hours the whole group was moved to some boring obnoxious people’s home.  They had two large untrained dogs.  I love dogs.  I grew up with two very large German Sheperds that lived in the house, but they were very well trained.

Their dogs were not.  The dogs were jumping on me, they licked my suede boots, they tried to eat my food, got there nasty snot on my jeans, and I constantly complained.  They refused to put their dogs away.  I was with a group so I tried to let it go, but gahd I wish I would have just said, guys let’s go.  I’m done.  Other than them the night was great.  I guess you tell a lot about some people by the company they keep.