teenyGreen’s BodyBlog

Father Forgets

by W. Livingston Larned

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Listen, son; I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.  I have stolen into your room alone.  Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.  Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you.  I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.  I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too.  You spilled things.  You gulped down your food.  You put your elbows on the table.  You spread butter too thick on your bread.  And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.  As I came Up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.  There were holes in your stockings.  I humiliated you before you boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house.  Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful!  Imagine that, son, form a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?  When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door.  "What is it you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.  And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me.  What has habit been doing to me?  The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to your for being a boy.  It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character.  The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills.  This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.  Nothing else matters tonight, son.  I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours.  But tomorrow I will be a real daddy!  I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh.  I will bite my tongue when impatient words come.  I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing buy a boy - a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.  Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.  Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder.  I have asked too much, too much.

  http://www.csua.berkeley.edu/~chrislw/dadforget.html 

"I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence."–John Wanamaker
Added to my sig.

I left one fitness club to go to another, hopefully this will work out better.  I’m also working on my own business and a project with some other businesses.  I still workout too much and don’t eat enough.  I was really bummed when I wrote out my stats today.  I didn’t get out the tape measure, but I know my clothes are loose.  Time for brown rice bread pb and j.  I can make like four of those little sandwiches have a good smoothie for breakfast and chicken, yams, and veggies for dinner and get a lot of good food.  Maybe put on some mass.  I need to get more protein in too.

I’m going through a lot of changes now.  My life is literally falling apart around me.  The last straw seemed to be when a close friend whose family I have also been close with for ten years, died at the age of 30.  His car exploded when he drove into a lamp post across the median on a freeway.  He and his friend in the car with him died instantly.  And of course we have to wait for dental records and all of that to identify him, and no one is allowed to see him.  He’s been on ice for a couple of weeks now.

I don’t mean to belittle my friends death.  I am devastated, but life goes on.  I just have so much inspiration to get up and fulfill my dreams.  That’s what Steven did.  He lived a full life.  He really did a lot and helped out so many people.  Alcohol was involved in the accident, but everyone has their problems.  He’s  a good man, and I miss him.  His myspace is up, and I almost forget he’s dead when I check it.  He will just be frozen in time.

I’m thinking I will probably volunteer to go talk to some high school kids about drunk driving, because unfortunately he did it often.  He was a pro.  This was his first drunk accident and his last.  And so many people tried to save him.  I wish I did.  I don’t drink.  I tell all my friends now, I like to go out I can be dd.  It just doesn’t seem real.  I guess I really need to do something to honour his memory and help other people through his example.

I won’t bother to explain my whereabouts for the past month.  Let’s say one stupid little man in a cape is very insecure.

I am ready.  I could compete tomorrow.  I’m really lean I must be less than 10% bodyfat.  I do miss my breasts.  I may get them done one day.  I haven’t decided for sure.

I just finished a killer leg workout.  I did too much I felt like I was going to pass out coming home.

45 degree Leg press 270lbs 4 sets 8 reps

Smith reverse lunges 185lbs 4 sets 8resp

Front squats on smith machine 135 4 sets 8reps

STDL 100lbs 4 sets 10reps

Butt push 87.5lbs 8-10 reps

Hanging leg raises 4 sets 12reps

I bit much I came home ate some trail mix, a bowl of rice chex, two plates of spaghetti with meat sauce, and ½ breast of chicken.

Earlier I had trail mix, 2 bowls of cereal, a chicken breast, berry smoothie, strawberries, and veggies.

This is a lot for me.  I probably have had 2500 calories.

I’ve been pissed at my coworkers.  Not all of them, of course I won’t mention names.  I’m just sick of the incompetence.  Sometimes I miss just being a mommy.  If my kids are being bad they go to the "naughty square" or I throw away a toy.   Doesn’t work that way with adults, unfortunately.

Every cloud has a silver lining.  So I went in early today to get my workout in.  I will go twice a day since I am prepping for the April show.  I feel like I’m already ready.  I have some areas to improve lower abs and glutes.  I have 8 weeks.  I don’t even feel like I will have to try.

Today was arm day. I plan on doing some leg stuff with each workout.  This was my workout today:
chin ups bw 4 sets 16/14/12/10

superseted w/

dips bw 4 sets 15/10/10/7

bb curls 50lbs 4 sets 10

superseted w/

tri ext 25lbs 4 sets 10

squats 185 4 sets 12

I must admit when it is written out like this, I feel like a bad a$$. That feels good. That is motivating.

I gotta pick up some chicken and yams.  I must get more chocolate chips.  It makes a great snack mixed with nuts.  Maybe I will do dried fruit.  I’ll see, but I feel pretty good.  Pretty confident.  I just need more money.  Then I could justify buying a new suit.  Maybe I’ll get lucky.

Today was the greatest day ever to lift weights.  I’m in a good mood.  I’ll leave it at that.  But I worked out with a client and dear friend that i love.  She is so strong she makes me work harder.  It’s ridiculous.  We do the same weight and she does 6 to 8 more reps than I.  She is on a different program, but it was fun.  It’s good to have a workout buddy that is strong and in good shape.  I can’t remember everything we did I think:

SLDL 110 4 sets 10reps

high row 110 4 sets 12reps

cable crossovers 30-20lbs 4 sets 10reps

45 degree concentration db curls 20lbs 4 sets 12 reps

The only bummer is I didn’t get much of a pump.  I need to eat more.  I’m sick of food.  I eat while I am working out.  I’ll have a sandwich or nuts and chocolate chips.  But all and all I am coming in nicely.  I look better now than in last year’s show.  So if finances provide, I will do the April INBF show.  I would still like to do June NPC, but again I need money.  I’m doing better.  I have a few independent clients.  Yeah!

I get so many compliments about my back at work.  I don’t really pay attention.  I know how my back typically looks when it’s ripped.  I’m always telling my clients to take pictures of their backs.  It’s a neglected bodypart that you rarely see.  Often it looks very defined before other bodyparts look toned.  So today I took some more back pics.  I love my back.

It’s almost ridiculous.  This is today.  The lower pic is from today too.  It looks a bit different from my normal lat spreads.  I think it’s the camera angle.

This pic below was from last month.  I can’t believe my body is still responding to weight lifting.  I keep expecting a plateau.  I guess I’m that good.

…and that’s all, but it’s so hard loving you.
I love the Beatles.  I’ve been listening to them a lot more lately.  A friend reminded me of an old song I love.   Thx You…

I plan on going out with the girls sometimes this weekend.  I need a break gahd.  I want a vacation.  But a night out will do.  I haven’t written in over a week.  I just haven’t had the will.  My life is crumbling around me.  I’m just trying to tread water.  I just need to get through.  Maybe competing in April will help distract me, and give me a goal to work on myself.  I have almost achieved all of my independent goals in therapy.  I still have a long way to go in my relationship, but I’m hopeful.  Today I plan on doing cardio.  I’ll probably hit the stairclimber.  I did shoulders and back yesterday

wide pull up assited -25lbs 3 sets 8

one set unassited 10reps

lat pulldown 100/10 100/8 95/8 90/8

bb bent over row rev grip 80lbs 4sets 8

upright row 55lbs 4sets 8

standing Db shoulder press alt grip 25lbs 4 sets 8

db rear delt flys  12lbs 4 sets 8

Afterwards, I had a nice steam, then spa, then sauna.  It felt so good.

My workout:

cable crossovers 40lbs 4 sets 20 reps

tri kickbacks 15lbs 4 sets 12 reps

tri rope pulldown 30 4 sets 15 reps

lat pulldown 62.5lbs 4 sets 12 reps

preacher curls 45lbs 4 sets 12 reps

dips bw 3 sets 10 reps

Some day I might take the time to use the workout tracker.  I didn’t have a real "plan" for my workout today.  It’s kind of hard to stick to a plan. I do my workouts on the fly when I’m not training people.  I often don’t know how long I have to workout.  But it’s working for me.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning.  I ate a ham, brown rice sandwich, and have been cleaning since.  It’s around 6:30 my time.  I’m still not finished.

"Father’s work from dawn to setting sun, but a mother’s work is never done."

My husband has been pitching in a lot, for him.  It’s just not enough.  I feel worn out already and I haven’t lifted yet.  My hamstrings are still deliciously sore from Thursday.  I did 45 degree walking lunges with 40lbs, hack squats with bw, and deadlifts at 115.  I did my normal four sets 8-10 reps.  Yesterday, I took it easy and did abs, took a nice long steam, and hit the spa.  It felt so good.