Mosaic’s Journal

For the last 2 weeks I have went off my diet on some days.  I have cheated….I know there will be sugary goodness in my future but if its there I’m tempted.  I bought some cheesecake the other day for the family.  I was not planning on eating ANY of it, but once again family was eating this sugary goodness in front of me.  I had to have some, for 2 days in a row the cheesecake was my best friend and worse enemy.  Everytime I took a bite I was thinking "gawd this is going to my hips".  Because of me being greedy and most of all human I put on 1lb.  I try not to punish myself over it, but I do.  I just take it day by day, and this week is new.  I plan on doing BETTER in my eating choices and try not to fall off the band wagon.

 I went to the gym today, and for some reason I was feeling really shy.  I think it was the people around me checking me out while I was lifting.  I started to second guess myself in my lifting technque (sp) and feeling very self concious (sp).  I saw some people who have been working out for along time watching me from the corner of my eye.  I don’t know if it was my size, or the fact that I can keep up with them in lifting the heavy weights.  I walked away with jelly arms and twitching forarms. I left wanting to cry, and most off all buy some cheesecake to make me feel better, instead I made myself a protein shake.  I am not a failure, and I’m not going to let this over come me.  Its just some thoughts for the day. Until then!

I got home from work and I was feeling very tired.  I made myself go and have a good work out.  Once again I used the cardio theater, which is way cool.  I did cardio for 30 mins and to be honest it did not feel like I did anything.  I was to busy watching tv!  I started to lift, and decieded to do everthing.  Now I’m alittle sore, but a good soaking in the tub will take care of everything.

I worked out last night, its been a week and with whats going on with me I needed a break.  I get there and I see this really cool stuff.  They just purchest gym equipment with 13inch LCD screen to watch tv.  I thought it was pretty cool and I had to try it out.  I did not feel like I was working out, just watching tv, it was very relaxing.  Oh and I can bench press more now then I did a week ago.  Guess my body needed to rest to have more strength.

This morining after waking up I weighted myself.  No surprise after the kind of week I have, I did not gain nor lost any weight.  I know its my diet, I will admit the last few days has been hard.  I am a stress eater, that I will admit, even though I did not have any sugary goodness, I did eat alot of crackers.  This week I will concentrate more on my diet, and get to the gym as often as I can.

Last week: 246

This week: 246

Well I got the results back from my MRI.  I have a tear, and among other things that I won’t say.  I am very depress over it, I am sick of seeing doctors, and I am very sick of being opened up like a used car getting my engine over haul.  I know what your thinking, but if it hurts see the doc.  My problems is when I see the doc, the doc has to fix something.  Next time maybe I should turn in my old chassis for a slightly newer one. 

Yesterday I was not in the mood to work out.  I was starting to loose my mojo.  But, I did it, and I am glad I did. After doing 20mins of cardio and about 15mins of weights I notice a very heavy man.  He weighed atleast 350, I felt sad for him.  He deserves kudos for wanting to make that change.  After watching him struggle lifting 5lbs weights it made me relize that I am not alone.  I was doing a search on women here on this site that would motavate me, and I found 2.  There were very big girls, like 290 and 350.  I remember reading about them and said to myself, if they can do it so can I.  I really don’t want to end up like that poor soul struggling to put 5lbs of weight over his head.  That right there was my motavation to continue lifting weights while I was there.  Even thought I started the end of Sept, I have seen a change in my body, attitude, and most of all me.  I am starting to envision myself as one of the girls who went from 350 to 160 with 12% body fat.  That right there is keep me in the gym.

I woke up at 4am for work and weighed myself.  Yup I lost 2lbs this week.  Not bad ya know, I am happy with this and I have alot more to go.  I did not work out yesterday, I had way to much to do.  I want to go to the Y today, but I think I need to nap first.  I had a long day at work and I am so drained.

Last weeks weight: 248

This week: 246

I went to the gym tonight to get my work on.  Still no cardio, I had the MRI done today and I should hear something by next week.  Good news is all the hard work is starting to pay off!! I went down a size in pants just under 2 weeks!  All I have been doing is eating 4-6 times a day and working out for about an hour.  I am so happy right now!!

Ok so I went to the gym to work on calves, back, biceps, and thighs.  Well I get on the hip adductors and starting working on my thighs.  After about a few mins I notice something strange……it felt good.  I mean really good, like well sexual good.  Is this normal?  I don’t want to be in the gym and all of a sudden break out in some fantastic orgasims that would be embarising.  Any sudgestions?

Ok so I did not do cardio, my knee is hurting and I have a MRI on friday to see if I torn something.  I went to the gym to work out on chest, shoulders and abs.  I had a great work out having shakey arms, and of course I have to have a massage afterwards.  Tomorrow, of course no cardio, but I will be working on inner thighs, outer thighs, back and arms. Unil then!