Here’s to (JE)Mi!

I’ve wanted to write this out loud for a while but avoided my own blog because I have issues with saying I have a real problem.

The whole fitness world is not new to me at this point.  I feel like I’ve been in the spot for a large majority of my young adult life.  I wouldn’t say its a lack of trying .. I do my workouts - I push through the pain I get sometimes (like today’s lower back issues.. wtf was THAT?)

I don’t know if its lack of motivation or that I see food the way one might see drugs but I am deeply unsatisfied with my lack of progress which is in direct relation with my nutrition.

So far, what I’ve realized is I have never really successfully lost weight with the protein/carbs diets.  Many-a-time I would strike out because I found myself insatiably hungry.  Low-carb dieting has brought me success in the past but its almost like I am incapable of doing that now because my stress level is so high every day
I thought if maybe I got a partner or something that might help.  I swear if I were hooked up to a machine that showed my stress levels, you’d see them flatline as soon as I had some sugar or bread.

I thought alot about this.  I don’t have a vice.. Exercise was it but with my nutrition out of wack, I don’t have the energy I need.  I hate that this post claws with desperation but its my honest to God predicament..if I don’t figure something out, I’ll never break out of this.

What really gets to me is the level of seriousness I would LIKE to be at with this whole thing and the "beginner like" issues I’m battling.

I’m not even going to go into the extent to which it affects my life.

All I know is I don’t want to see 2009 at the same weight and same level of disatisfaction.

Anyone have any real world advice as to how I can successfully get back into a serious nutrition makeover?

If I’m going to be all gung ho about eating notable amounts of lean protein, one thing has got to be clear.  Thou shalt not leave out the seasoning.

I was thinking that this morning as I scarfed down my egg white omelette.  I get that I’ll be doing this everyday and thats fine.  But if it tastes like that tomorrow…  *makes a face*

I forgot about this part.  Eating clean is a challenge enough as it is.  I need zest.  I need spice.  I need Mrs. Dash.

So I’m going to rummage through my cupboards and pull out all the stops.  I’mma call my momma and ask her about that really good spice mix thingie she and grandma used to make when I was a child that was too hard headed to listen to reason and hang in the kitchen to learn how.  I’ll never admit she was right..she told me this day would come.

I’m going to skim through recipes, try some new ideas..

I just like to keep my options open.. I do get bored and as my mother noted since I was a little girl, boredom is detrimental to my mental.

Off to the gym, then to class… Happy Monday people!

The damning thing about me trying to lose weight is how I never know when the "weight loss" kicks in.  I work hard in the gym.  Cardio and weight room.  I stay away from the ‘crap’ and bad foods.  I think.. I don’t know anymore.

I weigh in at 202.5.  What is that?  How is my weight HIGHER than when I started at 195?  And it can’t be muscle unless the body fat percentage is just broken on my scale.

This is the s*** that makes me want to quit but.. I can’t quit.  I won’t.  But damn it.

I was talking to a childhood friend.  We saw each other a few weeks ago and she was really sweet about it but I could here the pity.. the ‘trying to be nice’ about the weight gain.  And you can say its in my head but I know my friend bless her heart.

School starts this week.  My regimen is here.. I hit the gym 7 am every day (except Tuesdays).  I teach a kickboxing class Tuesday evenings.  I’m excited about that.

I think I’m going to lower my carb count because even though I read all this stuff about it ( do it, don’t do it ) It works for me.  I’m not comfortable in my skin right now and that really sucks.  It hurts on a very regular basis to be unhappy with what you’re working with.

I want to be happy   So this week I’m going to go hard with that nutrition of mine as well as work it hard at the gym.  This time next week, I want to be smiling about my noted progress.  Thats the goal.

*back to work*

I told you guys I have issues with the late afternoon/night and the munchies.  All I can think about right now is how convenient everything I should NOT be eating is located in my area.  An open.  With no lines.

I don’t have any of that stuff in the house.  I figured out of sight, out of mind right?

Lies.

I’m thinking about a beef burrito rrrright now.

But I’m blogging this thought out loud because I’m at war with my bad habits.  I really want to lose the weight.  Today I practiced running my kickboxing class in front of the mirror and even though I have a ways to go with my weight, I looked fierce.  Confident.  I want to go hard this month so that when school starts, I feel good about what I’ve done with my time.

So I’m not giving in.  I’m writing and will be blog surfing because you know what?

Failing is no longer an option.
Oh look! A Salad!

So I’m four days in my BFL Challenge and I was looking over my notes from both recently and my last (really good) effort.  My real challenge was never the gym.  I love working out.  I love pushing my body further and further and noticing cool changes - like being able to do The Pushups.

My real challenge has always been with my nutrition.  Which sucks because isn’t nutrition 80% of the battle?  I often skip meals because I’m not hungry or don’t feel like cooking for myself.. and in the late afternoon/early evening, I am slapped silly with grumbles in my tummy.  And to fix it as fast as I can, I usually seek the quickest, easiest solution in my kitchen which is usually microwavable.

I’ve decided that I am serious about transforming my life.  Not only with my body (although that is a HUGE deal), but with my mindset.  My home, my education, my finances, my career… these are all things that I can influence to be as pleasant an experience as possible.  Change is difficult and it’s all going to take some time.  But one thing I’ve learned - I can’t find that fulfillment/happiness that I’m looking for in some elusive "perfect" partner.  Which I don’t have - the only one in my life is my dog Cinnamon.

It comes from within me. The changes are mine to make.

So I’m going to take the Hard Part and find a way to make it manageable - because failure is not an option anymore.

Be proud of me today.  I started my morning with CHAMP on my mind.  With that came a written meal plan that I (almost) followed to a tee.  Ok - it was all good until my little splurge with the Go Lean Crunch.  It’s just so.. good..

Ok I won’t do that again.  I don’t have much room for error if I’m supposed to get off a plane looking hot accidentally-on-purpose in one month.

It was me versus the denim mini today.  Since I have full intentions of pulling it off AND taking a pic to share with you all, eating properly wasn’t as tough as I had assumed it would be.

Good thing because my workout today was damn impressive.  Ok so 400 cals in 30 min on the elliptical (using intervals), another 100 on the (damn) stair mill and about an hour in the weight room.  My pushups were of perfect form - I did 30 and they were damn good

I messed with the free weights today.  I usually hate dealing with them only because so many people are usually in my way. So I solved that by going to gym even earlier.  I plan to be there no later than 7 am tomorrow.  12.5 lbs isn’t tough for me anymore.  C’mon.  You can say it.  I’m a beast.

lol I’m encouraged by the discipline I acted with today.  I wanted to stop my workout a couple of times but I pushed through and the high was worth it.

Tomorrow will be even better.  There isn’t much cereal left anyway and I *promise* I won’t buy more.

I’ve got HIIT cardio in the AM, kickboxing in the evening.  *smile*  I’m gunna make it!

It’s late in the day on Sunday and I’m here listening to Usher croon (the song Before I Met You.. just in case you want to know what’s making me melt into a puddle of JEMiMush)

I *did* take a progress pic and its printed and up on my fridge next to the other two.  I am disappointed - yes - but not defeated.  I was looking over my workout journal and its clear that I am killing it at the gym.  My nutrition - eh.  I eat everything I’m supposed to but I get the feeling that I need to tweak it a bit and be immaculate with it 6 days of the week.  I think I’ve spotted too much snacking in the form of protein shakes or weird stuff like a wrap..just the wrap itself - not the meal.  Those things add up!  So ok here’s the game plan.

First of all, I only have just under 4 weeks to be happy with where I am.  I’m going to be traveling and the last thing I need is to be sad about where I am physically.

The way I see it, the past four weeks - I’ve developed into someone who is pretty disciplined with going to the gym and I learned alot about nutrition.  So this is going to have to be a game and I’m going to take advantage of everything I can manage to take advantage of.  So this is what the next 2 weeks look like for me (and I promise to post both today’s pic and that day’s pic..   )

Meals 1 - 6

6 am - Myoplex Lite Shake
9 am - Kashi Oatmeal (1 serving, skim milk) and egg whites

12 pm - Turkey Sandwich ( lite wheat bread, stuff in that salad , lean turkey) and 1 apple

3 pm  - Chicken breast and veggies

6 pm - Tilapia (fish) and broccoli

9 pm - Myoplex Lite Shake

If I get in snacky mode and really can’t avoid it, I’ll have an apple, 1 serving dry Kashi Go Lean Crunch (yummm) or 1 yoplait lite (100 cals)

How does that look?  Looks good to me … I tried to make sure I have protein + carbs each meal as prescribed by the Body for Life program.  My diet will be this or some variation of it all week this week.  I’ll let you know if I’m having trouble complying but usually I am not hungry if I really eat every 3 hours.

I’ll be damned if I don’t see SOMETHING give in 2 weeks.

I’m going tip hunting.  lol "JEMi:  Locked and Loaded"    << that’s what just crossed my mind

I am plagued with self doubt and this is no small matter.  I know that I work like crazy in the gym.  I push myself and when I catch myself being distracted, I mentally bark at myself like a drill sergeant and get back into gear.  So THAT, I’m confident about.

What I’m not confident about is the nutrition plan.  I think - just being bothered about my weight for so long - I was expecting something a little more obvious by this point.  My 4th week is about to end and I understand - the scale and I have nothing to say to each other.

But still.. I don’t think my inches have budged   Or maybe its because I only measure ’round my belly?  I watch it like a hawk.  It’s a little ridiculous (because the word obsessive is not very attractive is it)

I keep thinking - am I eating incorrectly?  Am I doing something wrong?  I don’t have the same confidence with my nutrition like I had with exercise.

Nevertheless, I have no interest in turning back now.  I am stronger, happier, and on a damn sleep schedule.  I used to suffer the worst bouts of insomnia and my medications haven’t been helping.  Hmm.. medicine.. that can’t be helping my cause.

This morning I rededicated my commitment to my nutrition.  I thought I was doing alright but I want that feeling of satisfaction and confidence that I get when I talk/think exercise.  I can do this.  It’d be nice to stop avoiding most people I know (yes..I know..I’m hard on myself.  I’ve heard).  But in my defense, a few years ago when I DID gain weight (and I weighed less than now!), my best friend who is naturally very thin was so relieved when she saw me lose the weight (which I did by Atkins.. I’ve never successfully lost weight the right way before) and said "Oh my God.. please don’t ever do that again!"

.."What?"  I ask

"Gain all that weight!"

She’s apologized since - I told her that was by far one of my saddest days.  It wasn’t as though I gained the weight on purpose.  I was working around the clock at a gym nonetheless (as a receptionist), nutrition was very poor because I was at the time.. we did the best we could with the money we had - my ex and I.  We lived together.  Man was that educational.

Anyway it confirmed a huge secret fear of mine:  that the people I knew and loved judged me with sadness because I gained weight..and they usually had commentary about it.  I am a super sensitive lil thing when it comes to my weight.  I’ve thought guys were repelled by me for it, that my ex left me for it - even though I never told people my qualms with weight. In fact, there is a rumor going around that I am this confident, positive person!  Well, I am positive and can be confident but not about my size.

Ok pity party is over.  I’m here to work and I guess I wrote this, waving a flag to anyone who knows how I feel and can share tips.

Mind you - I’m headed to a kickboxing certification course.  Like..right now lol!

WISH ME LUCK

I heart you all

When you’re serious about stripping fat and getting lean, you’ve gotta watch your mouth.  And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do but boy would I be lying if I didn’t say it’s tough!

Eating clean isn’t the hard part - surprisingly.  Yes, I spend my life savings on health food.  But that’s besides the point.

You know what the hard part is? 

This planning and eating thing.  Do you know I depend on my watch to beep every 3 hours to remind me to eat?  And God forbid I didn’t think about this before I step out of my house and am stuck out in the street.  What do I do?  What fast food chain makes MY stuff?  Excuse me KFC, may I have one serving of veggies (clean and steamed) and a palm sized morsel of protein?  NO NO DON’T DEEP FRY IT!  D’OH!

However I can’t allow perfectionism to beat me in the head.  Makes me crazy!  It all makes me crazy!  I just want to succeed so badly, I am afraid to eat without consulting my Master Plan (written in clarity daily in my official Body for Life journal which I love very much)

… Don’t judge me.  I think I’m freaking out because the Challengers book says women usually see changes by week 8.  I’m ending week 2.  That’s right.. I’m not good with patience.  ESPECIALLY working as hard as I am.

Oh well.  You guys are damn inspiring.  I think of what I am sharing with my BodySpace buddies, I finish those sets.  I push to the last min.  And I seriously watch my mouth.  Cuz gosh darn it I want an ab pic to post on here.

I’mma do this ya’ll.  Watch.

So I was kicking it with the 10 lbs dumbbells today because 12.5 was no where to be found and whaddaya know.  The hammer curls with 10 doesn’t feed me vein-popping strenuous work anymore!  Ok I exaggerate - it wasn’t SO bad but I def. used to feel it

And now its in the range of what 5 lbs used to be for me.

In unrelated news, this trainer that I ogle from afar came to help me today.  He always offers his help, which - little does he know - I would completely cash in on if I weren’t too busy hiding from him High School Crush Style.

He taught me how to perform deadlifts.  I hate deadlifts though I need them to strengthen my lower back.  But was I going to deny the help of Mr. Beautiful?  What for?

And so I did the deadlifts.  I did them better than I could ever imagine.  Its my new favorite exercise to hate and no, not because The Trainer stood there and emanated man beauty my way.

Nutritionally speaking, I am doing well.

Comfort food isn’t so comforting anymore.

I remember willing myself to want the processed crap I used to eat simply because I was having a bad day.  But you know what I craved?  An apple.  WHAT is that?!

I suppose somehow I have developed good habits but golly!  It’s weird because if food used to be my vice and I don’t use that anymore - how I’m I supposed to hit the emergency red button on a bad day?

What?  What is that you say?

Go for a run?!

I’m getting there but I’m not there yet! 

Alright.  Time for me to go drop somewhere in my exhaustion.  Toodles!