sskeckowski’s BodyBlog

So, I have definitely been making some progress (I gained 2lbs!) and I think I see a little more muscle definition.  I am definitely excited about this progress but, inevitably, I do get a little nervous from time to time about gaining weight.  I am eating more, which makes sense because in order to gain muscle, I have to gain weight which will only come through eating… and I have been doing extremely well with that.  I upped my  calories to a level which promotes gain at a manageable rate.  Already, with only 2 additional pounds, I feel sooo much better and my thinking is a lot more positive.  

Whenever I look in the mirror I am happy with what I see because I am no longer literally skin and bones.  I know my weight is still way too low but it is definitely scary to think that I need to gain more.  I just have to keep that picture in my mind of how I looked at my worst.  God, it was awful being in public and seeing everyone stare! My mom tells me I looked like I had cancer!  That is my motivation.  I just don’t understand why I fight with myself to make healthy choices when I know I do not ever want to look like that again! This is still going to be a fight except this time I have a clear and healthy head and am committed to my HEALTHY goals!  

I am really frustrated.  I thought I had a pretty decent diet.. I get a good amount of protein, whole grains, etc.  Little did I know that the majority of the protein I eat comes from processed food!  I love my 98% fat free turkey hot dogs with baked beans… Perdue Bourbon Chicken, mmm can’t get enough!!  Trader Joe’s all natural Turkey Meatballs.. yum!  Frozen tilapia with Lemon Pepper seasoning is a major staple in my diet, twice a week!  Alright, my mouth is watering!    It never occurred to me that all this frozen food is bad for me!  I only looked at the fact that these foods provide a good amount of protein, I am eating fish twice a week, they are all low in fat and so they can’t be bad.  They also fit so well into my busy schedule.  I don’t have time to cook a real meal.  I found myself searching the internet desperately last night looking for any piece of information that will confirm my belief that this food cannot be that bad…..  I will not accept the fact that all my hard work in trying to eat healthy has gone to sh*t because of processed food!  How bad can it actually be?!  Considering I have been eating this food for a long time now and have not seen any negative changes with my body, is eating this food really that detrimental?  Oh, the sacrifices!

I am almost ashamed to admit, but I honestly feel this sort of release inside now that my grandmother has died.  I think I had not been able to recover.. and gotten worse.. in the last year and a half due all the death and sickness with my uncle, grandfather, and grandma.  It is almost like how could I take care of myself when the people I love and care for most are dying.  

Since my grandma passed, I have re-vamped my diet (stay tuned for a rant on processed food!) and I feel like my thinking has completely changed.  I am ok with gaining weight.  I know I need to cut down my cardio and that is my goal for this week! I am listening to my body, taking a nap when I need the rest (I don’t nap, as a rule), eating when my body feels like it will collapse, and just making healthier choices in general.  I feel bad that this all comes in the wake of my family’s tragedies… but I guess I am trying to turn things into positives!

So in light of the recent horrible events, I decided to treat myself to a pair of 15lb weights and a kettleball to throw around and temporarily lift my spirits.  I returned home smiling about my new purchase only to be confronted by my mother asking why I spent my money on something I can just use at the gym.  I proceeded to tell her about my goal of gaining 10lbs and that though she doesn’t believe women should have muscle, I find it to be beautiful and I want to look fit.  She then tells me, "well you don’t have the body type to gain 10lbs of muscle" and walks away.

I do not understand my mother’s such negative view towards my training.  Ok, maybe it partially has to do with watching her daughter drop 30 lbs down to mere skin and bones hitting rock bottom at 85lbs two years ago…. but that is not me anymore.  Shouldn’t she want to support my goal of GAINING??  I truly value my mom’s opinions and when she puts me down like this, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.  

To be honest, since she began voicing her negative thoughts, I have felt embarrassed to go to the gym so much to the point where I have altered my schedule so that she will not know I worked out.  Sometimes I deny going to the gym.  Does this make sense??  It is unfair that I am made to feel embarrassed of something I love, embarrassed of my hobby.

Solution?  I need to move out!

I know this is not the place but I was hit by a major blow last night.  My grandmother died… in the last year and a half, my uncle died, my grandfather died 6 months later, and on the day of his wake, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer and only lived 10 months longer.  I was not expecting this.  My family has always been front and center in my life.  My grandparents had a hands-on role in my upbringing, I was at their homes every day while my parents worked full time jobs.  

I guess this relates to my training in that the last 2 deaths really set me back.  In order to cope, I resorted to my ED.  I refuse to let that happen this time.  I am in a much better mindset than when my grandpa and uncle died.  Back then, I was angry at their deaths.  Now I understand how death is the course of life and to be completely honest, my grandma looked so peaceful last night.  She is finally out of pain.  I will miss her so much, but I actually feel calm, however, I cannot deny that the last few weeks, when she was in such pain, took a tole on my training.  I finally stepped on the scale this morning after about 3 weeks of not weighing myself to find I dropped to 94lbs.  Sh*t.  I refuse to go backwards and I am taking control right now.    I don’t want my family, especially my mother, to worry about me.  I want to prove everyone I can be strong… this is the beginning of the new me!

Well, I don’t actually know how many people read these things but I am going to use this space to just throw out there my thoughts as I train this summer and work towards my goal of gaining 10 lbs.  I have suffered from an eating disorder and am well on my way to recovery, thank God, but obviously, seeing the numbers on the scale increase is still a bit difficult!  I feel like I have come such a long way from 85lbs 2 years ago and I know I still have a long journey ahead of me!  I know I am finally ready for the final push since I now am in a much more positive mindset.  I am disgusted with my skinny arms, muscles are beautiful and I am going to work hard to achieve them!!

One of my major issues is that yes, I am still underweight, and I continuously get sh*t from my parents for working out as much as I do… but how else am I going to gain muscle if I don’t work at it!  They don’t understand my goals and my mother’s favorite phrase, "muscles are not for women".  BS.  Unfortunately, I have to live at home and hear this all the time.

Through reading many posts and replies in the forum, it seems a lot of women using this site have been previous victems of EDs and so understand my feelings towards the weight gain.  I guess one of my reasons for this blog is to hopefully receive the support I do not receive at home… soooo any responses will be greatly appreciated!

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