Starting The Change Process: Removing Barriers
We sit on the cusp of 2009. The New Year appears to offer the promise of further economic and political uncertainty. Not a day passes by when there is some new disclosure concerning the declining state of our economy. Tensions have flared anew in the Middle East as Hamas and the Israeli’s engage one another in the millennia old conflict.
The 2008 Presidential election appeared, in my opinion, to be directly related to fear and uncertainty. We secretly hope that the promised “change” is more than a political buzzword or sound bite. I watched with fascination as people many people exhibited what I can only describe as “messianic fervor” concerning the election. My concern is that many people have sought a political solution to problems that have a moral and spiritual, dimension. Furthermore, much “change” can be accomplished at the individual, family, relational, and local level. We are bound to be disappointed if we do not seek to change those things that are within our power to change.
For many of us, the process of turning the calendar from one year to another offers the hope, which may or may not be fleeting, of changing our lives for the better. We have the chance to start anew; get a fresh start. We make resolutions to change jobs, start or finish school, improve our personal relationships, and among the most popular resolution, to lose weight and/or get fit.
We know from research, however, that most resolutions are abandoned by the middle of February. What appears to be the problem with most resolutions is the lack of planning for change. If you have read my previously posted blogs you know that I’ve written about two important components in the change process—goal setting and time management. Once these components are in place, it is very important to remove “barriers” that might hamper your success.
One of the projects that I assigned my counseling and human services students was a “Personal Change Project.” I have Dave Hutchins, one of my former Virginia Tech Professors for the concept. His rationale for having “helpers” in particular work on their own projects was for them to understand how difficult it is to change ones own behavior and for them to gain an insight into what clients might be experiencing as they undergo the change process in the therapeutic or helping relationship. One must complete the process of goal setting, managing ones time, AND for success to occur being vigilant and removing barriers which might impede progress. This brief blog discusses some common, but not all, barriers to successfully accomplishing ones goals. I will discuss Environmental, Financial, Mental, Relational, and Spiritual barriers.
Environmental Barriers
When we think about “environment” most of us probably think about our natural world with increasing levels of smog, pollution, erosion, industrial waste, and other problems. These things are always important, but what many of us fail to think about are other types of environments that may serve as barriers to our success. We know, people in Tennessee have recently learned, that industrial sludge in the water has a very real impact on their quality of life. We seldom think about “environment” on a smaller scale. One of my graduate classes made me intensely aware of the notion of “smaller environments” can be “manipulated” or “designed” to induce or change certain behaviors. Use of color, seating arrangements, architectural features, lighting, and other factors can be used, for example. I had the opportunity to apply this information as I designed and ran a “non-alcoholic” nightclub while a graduate student at Virginia Tech.
Now given this information, is it any wonder that our immediate environment can serve as barriers to our reaching our behavioral and personal change goals? Here, I discuss briefly “Human” and “Living or Personal” space.
Human Space
I use the term “human space” to refer to environments where we as humans congregate in groups. To make this more precise, I’m thinking of spaces where the emphasis is more on human interaction and the quality of those interactions. Those of us who have spent any amount of time working in “complex organizations” know that there are “organizational cultures,” those written and unwritten rules and norms that impact how people interact with one another. These interactions cause anyone in the particular culture to “feel” or “experience” an organization in a very specific way. Where one is situated in the organization may also impact his or her perception of the organizational culture. There is, however, usually a consensus as to how a particular “culture” is. Since the type of “humans” in it largely determines the “culture”, it is important to realize that not all “human spaces” are right for us. This would be particularly true of those spaces that emphasize negative behavior (e.g. gossip, substance abuse, arguing, toxic, competitive etc.). When we are trying to change behavior, we often need to change or “human spaces” or “cultural affiliations.” If we don’t they may prove later to be barriers to effective change. As an example, I had a student whose personal change process was to loose ten pounds by the end of a 15-week semester. This was a very achievable goal. She developed her goals as they related to diet and exercise. She was NOT, however, prepared for the fact that she would have to do some changing to human environment. Her friends, who were thin and “loved her as she was” did not see the need for her to lose the weight. Being a very affluent school, kids had a lot of money to spend on eating out, and this was a large part of her social life. She was very upset one day in class as she reported on her progress. Although she wanted to go out and be with her friends, she realized that she could not eat the same menu items that she would have previously ordered, and maintain her plan to lose the weight. She found that she was pressured to order the high calorie entrees instead of the healthier lower calorie, lower fat choices. She also found that she was pressured to skip the gym to go shopping or on lunch dates. The solutions were simple in theory, but difficult for her to implement. She needed to change her “human environments.” This could mean changing the people in her environment by communicating how important her lifestyle change was to her and asking for their support. It could also mean reducing the time that she spent within this group of friends and spending more time with people whose goals were more congruent with hers. More drastically, it could mean totally abandoning her current peer group altogether. Finally, she needed to look at the “human spaces or environments” in which she did her socializing. Instead of restaurants and other eating establishments, she could encourage her group to meet at bookstores, bowling alleys, the gym, or other venues.
In summary, in order to change one must help those in ones immediate “environment” to get ready for change and to abandon human spaces and “cultures” that are not consistent with the changes one wants to make. It is easier said than done, but may play a major role in ones success or failure at reaching your goals. Find helpful people, groups, and healthy places that are supportive of your goals. Eliminate those that are not.
Living or Personal Space
What does your house, apartment, or room look like? Is it neat (not necessarily of the “neat freak” type neat)? Is it cluttered? If the space is cluttered, try to find a way to organize the space (e.g. shelving, storage units, getting rid of unwanted junk). Living in a cluttered space can, in some instances sap ones energy. In working with clients (mostly teenagers in this case), I’ve found that they want a clean room but have let the clutter build to such a point that they find it emotionally draining just to “think about” cleaning the room. In the meantime, parents are giving them grief about the clutter, which seems to impact them just knowing that the room is “dirty,” to use the parents’ word.
If nothing else, an uncluttered personal space can assist one in being more efficient. Knowing where things are and having “a place for everything” and “everything in its place” prevents time lost finding things or even “thinking about having to clean up the space.”
Another point, think about other people who might come into or who live in your space. Your clutter could have an impact on them as well. One of the classic college roommate problems is the “Neat Freak” versus the “Slob.” The pair may “like” each other, but cannot abide the “overly neat” or “overly sloppy” aspect of his or her roommate’s personality. One or the other predominates. In this case, the solution is either to split the pair or teach one roommate how to tolerate a lower level of neatness and the other roommate how to become neater and more organized.
To conclude this section, organize your space, get rid of old things that you don’t use, buy storage for things you want to keep, create a space for everything and systematically maintain your space, and get some help (e.g. a good friend, professional organizer, etc). Once you organize your space, you will be less likely to be distracted from accomplishing your larger goals. Remember, it doesn’t have to be “neat freak” neat, but organized and clutter free.
Financial Barriers
Times are tough economically. Many of us tie our ability to create change in our lives to our financial status. While finances may prove to be a huge barrier, often we overwhelm ourselves with the “big picture” financially. There may also be the tendency to overestimate the amount of money needed, if any, to start a major change process. Try sitting down and breaking your goals down into smaller achievable sub goals. Try to assess the cost financially of achieving your goals. Can you get what you need by finding someone you know who can assist you? Do you have skills that you are not using that could assist you in making more money (e.g. computer whiz, personal trainer, artist, brick mason, etc.)? Do you really NEED to spend money to reach your goal?
My personal example is instructive here. I REALLY like going to the gym. I got very spoiled at Syracuse University and also had a membership at Gold’s. When financial disaster struck me I had to move back home, I lost everything (i.e. furniture, electronics, clothing, self-confidence, etc.), put my doctorate on hold, and generally felt like a failure. Once home in Virginia, I felt sorry for myself, ate like a mad man, got overweight (for me) and was feeling like crap. I knew I needed to work out, but stubbornly held to the idea of joining a gym; the nearest one was 26 miles away and a rather expensive price for me, given the fact that I was and still am woefully under-employed L J! As the bones began to ache and fat accrued around the middle, I had to sit down and realistically ask whether or not I could get myself in shape without a gym. I knew I could NOT afford the gym based upon an honest appraisal of my finances (gym fees and gas), travel time, and wear and tear on my old clunker of a car. I had an exercise ball, a 20-pound dumbbell set and my bodyweight. I reframed my situation and turned it into a challenge. I realized that I could more easily buy small bits of equipment by saving bit by bit rather than spending the money in gym fees. I researched the web, found exercise ball, dumbbell, and bodyweight exercises, developed a six-week program and began to implement it. The challenge has come in seeing my body change, spotting weaknesses, and trying to tweak my workouts. As workouts grew a bit stagnant, I stumbled upon the Bodyspace website in my search for more bodyweight exercises. I toyed for months with the idea of putting up a page. There were so many people with great bodies. “My old butt would probably look ridiculous!” I thought. One crucial aspect of behavior change is to take risks (calculated well-thought out risks). I put the page up with a few pictures and was pleasantly surprised by the support and compliments. As I also had to run for the first-time without a treadmill, I also found an “Over 35 Runners’ Forum” on the site which has been a great source of support. In short, I changed my “human environment” as mentioned above. Although in cyberspace, I had found a group of people with similar goals who were supportive of my attempts to change. I have found that I attack my workouts with more energy and enthusiasm and actually like posting progress pictures and getting feedback in notes and in picture ratings. The process allowed me the opportunity to learn some new things about bodyweight exercises, get myself in shape, regain some self-confidence, and make a few new friends while saving a LOT OF MONEY!
When looking at financial barriers to change, sit down and really count the true costs. Break your goals down into very small achievable sub goals and assess the costs of achieving each of these sub-goals. You might find that you may not need as much money as you thought. Also in assessing your goals make sure that you carefully consider the time element. Which goals can be put off and, therefore, saved for? Which ones are more immediate and need some funding? Be creative about those goals that you do need money for. Use a hobby or avocation to bring in some extra cash. Barter with friends and/or business associates. Find supportive “rich” relatives or friends (LOL!) who might loan or grant you the money. If in your analysis you find that there are some goals that don’t need financing, plan for those goals that might need financing in the future.
Mental
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: . . . (Proverbs 23:7)
My department chair at Syracuse asked me to provide clinical supervision to a master’s level student. This process requires that I keep process notes and tape my supervision sessions so that she could provide feedback to me concerning my supervision. This was one of the most nerve-wracking experiences in all of my doctoral education since this person wrote one of the leading books on the process of clinical supervision. Not being able to avoid the process, I embraced it, although I thought I was “horrible,” I found out I wasn’t, but was given very constructive and personally tailored feedback which made me a profoundly better clinical supervisor. Now, if I could only find a job requiring those skills J! During the process, it was revealed to me that I was very “cognitive” in my approach to working with students. I had never really thought about the fact that I really believe that how one thinks impacts how one behaves AND how one behaves impacts how one thinks—reciprocal process. I’m now aware that even if I have to use other therapeutic modalities in my work with clients, I very often come back to the “cognitive-behavioral” approach.
All too often, we “think” ourselves out of not only achieving our goals, but also attempting them in the first place. Very briefly here, use your thinking process to research and develop your goals for change. Use your thought process to analysis your goals’ strengths and weaknesses and refine the plan, but do NOT use your thoughts to prevent yourself from attempting a worthwhile goal.
Will there be times when you will have to change or not reach your goals? Of course, this may simply be due to the fact that your goal was unrealistic or not the right goal. Although one may be disappointed, learn from the experience and move on to a modified or new goal. Do not spend a lot of time “thinking” about what a “failure” you are. Thinking you are a failure can have you “acting” like one and that, indeed, is a huge barrier to overcome!
Relational Barriers
Our more intimate personal relationships can have a huge impact on our reaching our goals. If positive, they facilitate our success. If dysfunctional, they create huge barriers. I will briefly touch upon family, friendship, and romantic relationships as they relate to achieving our behavior change goals in this section.
Family
We don’t have any choice concerning our family of origins. What I know from study and experience living in my family and working with other families as a therapist is that all of our families contain a level of dysfunction. Families have patterns of interactions, communication, dysfunction, strengths, and weaknesses that can be passed down through generations. While it is my hope that in spite of occasional dysfunctions, most families are loving and supportive, I know that this is not always the case. Families are systems and each member is connected. If the connections are positive, our efforts to change will be supportive and might even spur positive change in the family system. If not, one might experience hostility and even sabotage of our efforts to change our behavior and reach our goals. It appears to me that sometimes when a family member attempts to change his or her behavior positively, the family looks at this change as a reflection of a “weakness” inherent in the family. There can be a coalescing of the family unit against the “rebellious” member who wants change and enough peer pressure can be applied that the family member will give up his or her pursuit of the goal to preserve the peace of the family. What has happened, in essence, is the family has moved back to equilibrium or the status quo. Change is not easy. It is disruptive and uncomfortable. Some families find dysfunction more comfortable than change.
When facing this type of challenge, it may be best to try to explain to the family why you need to change try to find an ally within the system and reassure the family that the change is for your good. Should this fail, seek support outside of the family by finding friends, peers, community leaders, online communities, clergy, and other people to assist you in reaching your goals. Be courageous and continue to pursue your goals. Often once you have reached your goal the family unit will view your success differently and may be sufficiently “inspired” to make changes. Do not, however, use this as a motivating factor for your change. Change for yourself.
Friendship
People seem genuinely surprised that their friendships can be “dysfunctional” when they come for therapy. Not all friendships are created equally. Indeed, some friendships should not be at all. People often choose friends to meet unmet needs, overlooking negative behaviors and personality traits for the sake of the friendship. Invariably, this leads to an imbalance within the relationship where one person feels used (Also sounds like romantic relationships). Make sure that you are a good friend and that you have good friends. Good friends will want what is best for you and will support you in positive areas of growth and change. They will also, however, tell you when you are out of line and will “supportively” put you in your place 
! Interestingly enough, I did not find my two best friends until I started college. Both are very bright, sober, and thoughtful, with quick wits. Hopefully, they would say the same of me! LOL! Actually, we are close enough that we can tell by an e-mail or phone call when something is wrong. We can go months without seeing each other and when we get together it is like we were never apart. We will, however, when needed be brutally honest with each other. This leads to interesting and spirited discussions, but never anger. They’ve both been suggesting that I leave my present profession which has been tough to hear, but has sunk in. They think I deserve more and have been honest in letting me know that. This, of course, necessitates a “change process” for me. I’ve agreed that completing my doctorate will assist me in the career transition, but am also about to pursue some other training to facilitate the transition.
A good friend support and sometimes spur you to change for the better. They will also have as high a standard for themselves as they do for you. Finally, good friends, because there is no blood tie (They love you for you.), can be more objective in their appraisal of you. Often when I have a particularly difficult problem, I will think about the problem and formulate my solution, and take it to my two friends separately. The vast majority of the time they will give the same advice even if different from mine. This is a valuable alternative opinion. On those times when we disagree, the spirited debate takes place. We work through the problem and then eat a good meal and knock back a few drinks. The beauty of this is that all of us fee that we can do this with each other. If this is NOT happening for you reconsider your friendships. Friends should not take you away from that which is positive in your life. If they do, there is a barrier to eliminate.
Romantic
Romantic relationships present some of the same problems that friendships do. However, there is a differing degree of intimacy that makes us vulnerable. Certain types of intimacy can make us feel “loved” or “in love.” The biggest problem I saw when working with college students was this failure to understand the complex nature of romantic relationships.
The pursuit of unhealthy romantic relationships has derailed both male and female students academically and socially. Indeed this pursuit has derailed the lives of many of us. We all want to feel loved and will often haphazardly pursue relationships that detract from our personal goals and development. How many of us know people in relationships where one person does all of the work while the other seems to “take”? What I’ve seen in therapy mostly are people who have given of themselves to marriage and family without having benefit of setting goals and pursuing some self-development. The children are grown and now there is a divorce looming. The person is without identity and has no clue about what to do. There is a period of assisting the person in learning about him or herself (finding talents, gifts, likes and dislikes, attitudes, beliefs) and then learning a new paradigm for relationships and “being” in the world.
In short, look for a person who wants the best for you. Look for someone who is a “whole” person with interests, friends, hobbies, and a life. While this life does not exclude you it should afford both of you the opportunity to pursue some personal goals and interests that are not necessarily shared by the both of you. Anyone who does not want what is best for you is NOT for you.
I have a blog on my blackplanet page (http://www.blackplanet.com/spr85sigma). It is entitled, “What my clients taught me about relationships.” I list things I’ve learned from doing therapy with adults with issues around relationships. I list them below for your perusal and thought:
-A relationship cannot fix your problems
-People will be “who they are” in a relationship…eventually
-Sex occurs much too soon in relationships
-It takes TWO people to make a relationship THRIVE or FLOUNDER
-One should know who one is BEFORE entering into a relationship
-Your “ideal” mate or partner might not be “ideal for you
-Your family of origin has a profound impact on how you function in relationships
-Pick your friends (and mates or partners) carefully!
-People are afraid to be alone!
Read the full blog for my discussion of each point.
Spiritual
Finally, I believe the best goals are those that conform to the will and laws of The Creator. Make sure that your goals are not only good for you, but are in accordance with that which He deems best for you. Doing this assures the absence of barriers. Take time to read and study the Word. Pray that you learn His will for you. Is this not the ultimate GOAL?
Ideally, your goals should be a blessing to not only you, but to others. As I watch the world get more dangerous and crueler by the day, it is my sincere wish that those of you who read this blog set a goal to help someone else live a better life. Mentor a child, visit the elderly, give someone a ride, help someone workout, take someone to worship, share a meal, or simply ask someone what you can do to be of service. Apply the Golden Rule. As we bless others we are blessed.
I end this blog by wishing you and yours a safe, productive, healthy, and blessed 2009!
It does seemed that I concentrated better on the exercises and I could feel the difference in my chest today. This has led me to work chest and back on separate days and to eliminate one day of ab training. I’m hoping with improved diet that I can get by on one day. If not, I will add an additional workout on Sunday. I will resume planche training on tomorrow.
But, I took Grandma out to the doctor to get her bloodwork done and also took her shopping. The crowds, lines, and traffic were overwhelming and she grew tired. I ended up completing her shopping and some shopping for my mother! After all of the lines and travel, even I was tired. I will resume my workouts on tomorrow and make up the missed workout on Sunday. Take care everyone!
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