Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Pass by mirror, look…don’t look?  Jump on scale instead.  Crap!  Decide to look in mirror–make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg lifts, run, cut back on eating, hit the gym more often.

Get in shower.  Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 

Wash hair with extra, extra vitamin shampoo.

Wash hair again…make sure it’s clean.

Condition hair with deep, repair hair conditioner.

Wash face with apricot facial scrub.  Wash entire rest of body with exfoliating wash.

Rinse Conditioner.

Shave armpits, legs, kitty.

Running out of hot water…..

Wash shaving gel residue off with soft and silky body wash. 

Startled to death!  Husband caught peeping through shower door!

Turn off shower. 

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Avoid mirror at all costs.

Check and make sure all unwanted hair was removed.

Apply lotion. 

Hear husband in bedroom.

Walk into bedroom with facial mud mask, towel on head and long robe…..cover up all exposed areas!

A while back, while this belle laid in bed watching TV, hubby walked out of the bathroom freshly showered.  He strutted his ass into our room, naked.  I sat up, following his every step, he knew I was checking him out.  My gaze started at his head, made their way to his chest.  He has an incredible chest with a wide back.  Great arms, built and some big hands with callouses on them from years of working out.  At one time, he used to bench press over 500 lbs.  I continued on, scanning his waistline and hips.  I focused on his jewels, how the total packed hung together unaroused.  My eyes and mind were appreciating him.  Great legs.  He’s a leggy man, no skinny chicken legs or calves.  Up and down my eyes roamed his nakedness.  He continued to strut to his side of the bed, my gaze following him.  And so I said, "honey, your little pecker is so cute."  His smile faded, he jumped in bed and threw the covers over him.  I didn’t mean little as in LITTLE, it was a term of endearment!  Yes, I paused and wondered if I should say what I was thinking, but I thought we’ve been together for over 13 years, not a big deal!  Although I tried to redeem myself, I was shuned for the night.  I’ve learned, regardless of how long you’ve been married to a man or together with him…little and pecker, term of endearment/cute or not…not a good thing! 

When did calling someone “sweetie” or “honey” or “sweatheart” become such an offense?  A girlfriend of mine called me the other day bristling.  Her boss calling her “sweetie” prompted the call.  She’s a doctor and wants to be treated as an equal.  According to her, he does not address other male doctors in such a manner.  A man calling her “sweetie” irks her.  When Obama made a ‘honey’ or ’sweetie’ comment to a co-worker or reporter the media ran with it and he had to explain himself saying he was not being condescending.  It was so obvious he was not being condescending when the interaction was replayed, yet he was questioned.  Seriously, I find it a bit skewed.  We flinch at being called a bitch and flinch at being called sweetie.  Then there are some of us who are more comfortable with being called a bitch instead of sweetie.  Hmmm…

When did opening a door for a woman become unwelcomed?  I witnessed a man open a door for a woman and she refused to go inside the building.  She went in after she opened the door herself.  I also witnessed a man opening a door for a woman and she walked right on in without looking at him or giving him a “thank you.” 

When did pulling a chair out for a woman become an issue of control?  I heard this woman say, “Are you trying to tell me where to sit?”

It’s no wonder when you run into the “confused” man.  One who does not know whether to open doors, pull out chairs, or one who just doesn’t try to do so anymore.  It’s a bitch of a double-standard though.  You see a woman with a flat tire or car issues on the side of the road and I don’t care how big of a feminist you are, the first thing that woman wants is for someone to come to the rescue.  More times than not, it’s going to be some man.  And while your at it, go ahead and call her “SWEETIE” and tell her where she needs to stand so she won’t be in the way!  LOL. Give a guy a break!

My co-worker giggled as I approached.  "I shouldn’t show you this, I’ll get in trouble.  But it’s too good to pass up!"  And so the incident report read:  Mr. Hong and Mr. Kong (alias names) had been caught in the act of intercourse in the sauna room.  We tried to dicpher the signature at the bottom of the report, who the unfortunate soul was to witness and rectify such a situation.  I made out the name and waited for him to show up.

"So, did you have some popcorn with your drama?" I asked.  "Belle, please don’t go there.  I am traumatized for life. They were like two bears, ANIMALS…..going at it!  Holding nothing back." 

"GROSSS….spare me the visual.  OMG….what did you do?  I asked.

"I was making my rounds in the gym when I went into the sauna room and there they were…bang, bang, bang.  I walked around somewhat in shock then I told them they needed to separate and meet me upstairs." My co-worker replied.

"Did you watch?"  My question puzzled him.  "Did you watch them separate?  Watch stuff pull out of the poop-chute, Hershey squirt road, one-eye jack?"

"Where’d you get all these names and why are you asking me this?  Black man turning white here. 

I smiled, "I’m married to an Irish man and a little perverted plus I like to see you squirm." 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-hoo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.  Wash your face.  Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.  Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Admire weiner size in mirror again.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the woo-hoo sound again. 

Throw wet towel on bed or floor.

Suggest a quickie….

Do you ever think about those lessons in life that can only be learned through love and loss?  Your first puppy-love experience, birth of a child, family.  As for loss, death, divorce, heartbreak, differences.   And so I wonder, when it comes to heartaches and heartbreaks, of the relationship kind, how do you repair?  Are there rules and boundaries for "repairing" the self? 

I’m surrounded by three women all with men woes, none of which know one another.  In essence, the men have changed their mind for one reason or another.  All three scenarios, different in circumstances, leading to divorce or separation.  It’s the women though, I wonder about.  Lamenting over the loss of their men.  Thing is, they weren’t happy, their needs were not being met and I’m puzzled.  So, I asked my sister, "Why do you want him back?  Do you miss being mistreated?  Is that it?"  It’s not so much that she loves him or wants him back because he was Mr. Wonderful, she just can’t stand seeing him with someone else!  WHAT?  And so I asked my co-worker, "Why do you want him back?"  She guesses, she’s used to him.  She’s never been alone and the thought of it terrifies her.  He’s her bad habit.  As for my girlfriend, he’s taken the kids, the house, and he’s owed child-support.  "Someone needs to talk to him." She says.  "And say what?" I ask, "He’s changed his mind!"

Yes, there are rules and boundaries for self-repair:

1. Rejection hurts, but when you feel like shit, don’t look like shit.  Get dressed, put on some make-up and get the pretty…going.  I don’t care if you feel like it, just do it. 

2. Do not screw every Tom, Dick, and Harry available.  Getting a little drunk, OKAY.  However, you’re lost due to a man, do NOT try and find yourself in another one.  Feel your hurt, you’re part of the losing equation.  ACCOUNTABILITY, what’s your side of the story?

3.  Now that you have less of everything to do (laundry, dinner, errands, ect.) go back to the woman you once dreamed of becoming and make it happen.

3.  Don’t use the kids as leverage.  Be emotionally controlled in front of them and reassure them.  They will need more kisses, more hugs, more love.  Remember, they are innocent in all the madness. 

4.  Now that you are doing better, QUESTION…..Why did you settle?  You teach people how to treat you.  I don’t care if he was a jerk, why did you put up with it?

5.  Last but not least, remember, when someone has changed their mind to be with you, yes, it hurts and sucks.  In time, however, come to thank them.  It’s the biggest compliment someone can give you.  Why the HELL do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you or stays with you for the wrong reasons?  Kids, grow up and move, then what?  You can’t get that time back.  When it comes to the one you are with, it’s important to look across a room and think to yourself, "well now, I want some of that."

6.  When it comes to a heartbreak or a loss of any kind, ALWAYS come out a little wiser and with a better understanding of yourself. 

Man:  Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman:  Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

To Make Friends that Suit Every Phase of her life….

We are many different people throughout the course of our life.  Our needs and wants change as we progress.

It is a wonderful thing to keep the friends you had as a child–they are the thread that weaves together the fabric of our lives.  They know us better than anyone else and they are the easiest friendships to maintain.

It is also important to branch out and invite more people into our world as we move forward.  Stay in touch with your growth as a person and find people who can stimulate these new interests.

What is even more interesting is befriending people who are your complete opposite.  Through these friendships you will gain a heightened sense of self.  You will bask in your own uniqueness while gaining a fresh perspective on life.

He hadn’t crossed my mind in quite some time.  But as the song played, our old song, it took me back, back to yester-year.  Okay, many years!  Back into a special place, a moment in time which has long since passed.  However, the memory of him, us, the we we used to be came to the forefront of my mind.  An old ghost, rising shadows swaying and twirling like smoke, slowly, vanishing into the air.

I’d just turned 21, both of us in marriages that were, well, not in a good place.  I was of legal age to go to a bar, and your darn right, I was going…Mama Don’t Get Dressed Up For Nothing.  I wore a pair of tight white rockies, boots, a white shirt, belt and hat.  My Citation with no AC made it into town.  I was so freaking poor!  Hell, it hurts to even think about it.  A single Moma, no child support and yet making too much money for any of the amenities handed out by the government.  Yes, I felt Much Too Young To Feel ….  The door to the bar looked heavy.  I gave it a hard, hard push.  It swung wide open and thumped against the wall.  I walked in.  My vision was blurred from the bright sun outside and the dark hazy smoke filled bar did not help matters.  The entire place went silent.  I stood there, all eyes on me, I stared back.  I’m sure the silence was a matter of seconds, but at that moment it felt like a lifetime.  A crazy cowboy jumped out of nowhere and said, "Wheeewww-wee!  What cloud did you fall off of angel?  You beautiful, gorgeous thing."  The silence broke.  I sat at the bar.  Bob bought me a beer with a membership and across the bar sat My Next Broken Heart. 

He followed me to a dancing club.  I danced with many guys, he watched.  As I made my way to the bar for another beer he intercepted me, grabbing my arm.  I gave him a questioning, alarmed look.  "I’m going to marry you…." he said.  I swear to you, the moment he said those words I saw a red light flashing behind him.  I’m thinking, looking back now, it was a warning sign and I did not run.  "From the looks of it, you’re already married."  I replied, as I took his left hand in mine and raised an eyebrow in an inquizative manner.  I had no idea who he was or what he was about.  He told me he was the maintenance man.  To which I said he must of of been screwing the owner because he was very well dressed.  He laughed.  We ended up in his family’s hotel that night.  A small detail I was to learn later on.  Many times afterwards we discussed the night we met.  He said he watched me walk to my car and I never looked back.  Yes, I had wondered if he was looking and I’m so darn glad I didn’t look back!

That Summer turned out to be one hot summer and I convinced myself that he could Rope the Moon.  He was a mistake I made on again, off again, on again, for a period of 3 to 4 years.  Slow learner.  Jon Secada’s CD became OUR CD and was replaced by the tune of Garth Brook’s song, The Dance.   Time Marches On though, and our Little Ways began eating away at us.  We both started walking around with Suspicious Minds.  Sometime during the holiday’s I decided to Let that Pony Run leaving him to the tune of Brooks & Dunn, You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone.  The Chill of An Early Fall continued for quite some time.  I repaired alright, went to my favorite bar and hung out with some Friends in Low Places getting a little drunk to his memory under a Neon Moon.  His falling in love and like with people, it was an Easy Come, Easy Go thing for him.  So, imagine my surprise when he called, six to seven months later wanting a reconciliation.  But you see, this Baby had Gotten Good at Good-byes by then and I Found Someone (my future husband) and that Brooks & Dunn song, You’re Gonna Miss Me ….it stuck.  Every now and then though a song gets me Reminising and in the end, I thank God for Unanswered Prayers! 

Math class:  4 hours     Math Homework:  10 hours

Housework:  15 hours

Client training:  21 hours

Kid soccer/football practice:  Could not cover it all.  2 hours, called girlfriend, had her car pool. 

Miscellaneous (laundry, cooking, driving, organizing, paying bills, girlfriend/family pep talks, gossip):  Many, many hours…losing track by now.

Personal Fitness:  Weights:  4 1/2 hours, cardio:  1 1/2 hours (for the week).  Note:  Need more time for self, getting pissy.

Sex:  Your kidding…right. I’m tired!  You’re what?  HORNY?  Okay, jump on and jump off…mfkr! 

End of week:  EXHAUSTED.  Sex still on my mind.  I like walking around horny and disturbed.  Time for a serious, long jog.  Need to reflect, in search of a solution. 

Solution:  Hire housekeeper, no training clients after 4:00 p.m., wait and see how the rest comes and goes.