Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

My teenager is a pain in the ass.  According to him, he was going to a friends house to work on his mouse trap project last night.  A project he knew about three weeks ago or so.  He’s the ultimate procrastinator.  So, he left at 11 p.m. because his project partner was somewhere with family.  Come two o’clock a.m., he’s not home.  I call  him, says they are almost done.  Come five a.m. he’s still not home.  I call him, text him, no immediate answer.  Ten minutes later I get a text and it reads "crap."  According to him he fell asleep at the friend’s house.  Yes, it all sounds like crap to me.  He has yet to explain the hickey he came home with.  I’m pissed. 

So, I had a ****ty night’s sleep and I’m tired.  As if that wasn’t enough, I woke up to find my Internet Explorer has crashed on my home PC.  I didn’t know that was even possible.  My hubby’s home PC is so ancient, I’d prefer to get a root canal than to work on it!  On his laptop right now which is also slow but it will do!

I do get hungry, th at’s not the problem.  I just don’t find anything appetizing at the moment and most of the time.  I open my fridge or pantry and it’s packed with food.  Thing is, I don’t want anything in it.  I don’t want chicken, or tuna or salmon.  For that matter, I don’t want Oreos, pizza or foods high in fat.  I’m being very picky when it comes to food!  It’s driving me nuts!  Hell, I might even be a little lazy.  At times, I don’t want to cook the salmon, chicken or tuna!  At the end of the day, I don’t meet my caloric intake and results aren’t coming like they should.  I do see some results here and there, but things should be looking better.  No weight loss and no bf loss again.  My weight is back up to 110, still in the same fat pants, body is holding on to everthing.  My workout was grueling today, legs and abs.  As you know, if you train like a champion but don’t eat like one it defeats the purpose.  I’ll give it another go tomorrow.

We will never be friends.  My hubands’ ex-wife and I, we will never be friends.  I tried along the way.  There were a couple of times I thought she was coming around, then she’d revert to her old indifferent ways when the moment of what was to her convenience had passed.  It didn’t take me long to recognize her pattern. 

The first few years were beyond crazy.  The fighting over the kids, the challenges over the new wife.  She wouldn’t call the house because I would answer the phone.  When my husband metioned this to me I was like, "WTF, I live here, did you tell her that?"  I realized that although you can be legally divorced, the "emotional" divorce has to follow.  No kids, no problem.  Got kids?  Big problem.  There’s plenty of crazy stories to tell, but honestly, the turning point is what matters most.

My life and I came to a stand still with the traumatic death of my first husband.  His death was sudden and so unexpected it tormented me.  I had a vision someday we’d get together as adults, wiser, married to others and we’d mend our differences.  He died and that never came to pass.  It never occured to me we’d have no time.  The most painful thing of all, there was no undoing, redoing or going back, there was only regrets and a tombstone to talk to.  I changed my priorities.  I realized there had to be room, an opportunity for her to be able to come into my house, call my house, call my husband, call her kids at my house for the sake of the kids and my husband.  Simply put, you can’t blend a family and have some semblance of peace if you care about the kids and you’re indifferent about their mother.   

It hasn’t been easy and there’s been very little gratitude from her.  I didn’t change for her gratitude or to be the bigger and better person.  I changed so someday I can look back and not have as many regrets that I cannot undo.  Which brings me to another point, anytime you give of yourself, do so without strings attached.  Yes, you’ll still feel disappointed, yes you might want to kick some butt, however, when that passes and you put yourself in perspective not only do people show you what they are really about but you see it and you get it.

I saw her yesterday, my husband’s ex-wife.  I approached her to ask her about the kids.  Her son, my step-son, is a paranoid schizophrenic , in jail, not on meds and refusing treatment.  My step-daughter, her daughter, is undergoing testing for some immune disorder, I’m devastated, she is such a good girl.  She was stressed, at a breaking point, couldn’t talk.  I walked away, knowing she did not want to break-down in front of me.  We will never be friends my husbands’ ex-wife and I.  As a person, I get her.  As a woman, I get her.  As a mother, I get her. 

I’ve been overdue for a massage for quite some time.  My running stride is compromised due to tight hip flexors, tight glutes, tight lower back, just plain tight.  I finally got in to see my massage therapist.  He worked me over really good.  He’s not a small thing, an easy 6 "4" and an easier 285 pounds of pure muscle.  There’s no skin rub with this guy, he starts off deep and gets deeper and deeper.  He likes it when I say I want it a little harder and a little deeper.  He nods his head and says "it’s you little women who like so much pressure!"  More than likely, I’ll be skipping my workout today.  I’m feeling some soreness settling in.  It hurts, in a good way though.  Plenty to tend to here at home.  It’s a little cool, a nice soup to warm up the soul sounds appetizing to me.  Maybe I’ll whip up a dessert for the men who are coming home to me after school and after work, it’s appetizing to them.  Clean up around the house some, makes us all happy!  Moral of the story is, relaxed Mom…happy home!

Ya know, nothing and I do mean nothing is coming easy.  My weight shot up to 110 this weekend and I’m holding there. WTF and F-ME!  On a good note, my size 2’s fit.  Yes it matters, I want the scale to say what I want it to say.  I want results where I want them.  Yes, I know better, fat, inches, blah, blah, blah, still pisses me off.  It’s kind of like PMS, it happens and it passes.  This working out, I’m telling ya, it’s not for the not so hard headed.  Chicks work out, they lose their tits!  So, $6000 later, you purchase some to go with the firm tight ass.  Then there are those times where the ass goes to hell some and now you have tits on top of that!  More of it!  I can say the boobs give me some balance to the extra junk in the trunk.  Wise move Belle, even if I do say so myself.

Okay, moving on.  I had a tremendous workout yesterday, leg day.  Skipped the cardio, leg day was a bit too much.  For the first time since I stopped training I got up out of bed this morning at 5:15 to get a run in.  I am definitely not a morning person, it takes sincere effort and work on my behalf.  Three miles this morning is a huge accomplishment.  I’m stepping up the cardio.  Dusted off my dinosour treadmill in the garage yesterday.  That darn scale, this old body, it will comply….patience, dedication, discipline.  I’m not feeling it, but I’ll keep at it. 

I have mastered the Stairmaser once again.  No pause, plenty of sweat.  An hour later I was drenched and tired.  I worked on it between a level 5 and 7.  A little on the slow side for me, but it’s the start, once again.  Just how many times must I start over?  It’s never easy getting back to it, it’s not that easy keeping at it and it’s way too easy to fall off the wagon!  I have yet to find a balance.  In the meantime, a couple of things.  No weight gain last week during the weekend.  Another new first in quite some time.  I finished up the week at 109 and got through the weekend holding at that weight.  I started off this week with the intentions of losing another two pounds.  I barely broke 109 this week, hopefully I can hold over the weekend.  I have big plans for the weekend.  I’m hosting a party and I have an exam coming up, there is plenty to do.  I’m tempted to take out a pair of my size 2’s or 0’s and try them on.  Not sure if the results will have a positive or negative affect on me.  I think I’ll keep drinking my coffee for now, play with the thought in my head a little more and plan the rest of my day.

There’s some really fit women walking around at the gym lately.  A couple of these girls appear a little masculine.  There’s a trainer and she is big.  I’ve worked out when the she’s been around many times, she stares, always checking out the weight I lift.  I am sure, by no means, it is close to anything she can lift.  She checks me out anyway.  Then there’s this other chick, I’ve seen her and her partner several times.  Her fitness has caught my attention.  I am green with envy.  She looks good, although her neck looks a little swollen.  It’s odd.  Never have we worked out at the same time, either they are leaving when I get there or vice-versa.  Anyway, those girls and I were in the house today.  She came up to me in the middle of my workout and said, "you are really strong."  Her voice, deep, deep voice caught me by surprise.  I was so shocked all I could say was "thank you."  A girly "thank you" at that! I think women lose a little something when they go that route and I wonder, are the stares because they miss that little something or are they just staring at my chunky ass!   

My husband called me the other day and what Caller ID could not tell me, he was in a bi&#h of a mood.  I answered, excited to talk to him and unaware.  He laid into me.  Blah! Blah! Blah!  He ended his rant with, "do you understand?"  I replied a yes then he hung up.  I stood there, wondering…"what the hell just happened to me?"  The reality set in, slowly, then I got pissed.  I called him back, to my surprise he answered.  I was talking through clenched teeth.  Fighting back the urge from every MF, POS, foul expression that was running through my head from coming out of my mouth.  "Don’t call me to chew on my a!s just because you are having a shi%%y day…."  then I head a CLICK.  Silence and a dead tone in my ear.  Fire started shooting out of every one of my orifices.  Eyes, ears, nostrils, even my a!$.  If I called he wasn’t going to answer, this I knew.  I couldn’t help but visualize myself jumping into the telephone line and coming out on his end to choke him!  In these heated moments, it’s a good thing real life and fantasy don’t mix.  I calmed myself down.  He was out of town, I didn’t have to see him or deal with him and I decided to get on with my day.  As I reached a calm state of mind my text messaging went off.  It never occured to me, not once, that it could be him.  I looked and there he was…fighting with me via text messaging.  Seriously?  I laughed, I laughed so freaking hard.  Something about it irked me down deep.  I realized, there was a chance via texting, I might not get the last word in.  In a verbal face to face confrontation, hands down, I’ll win it every time.  Texting, hmm…  I decided to acknowledge his texting by simply saying  he was acting like an emotional retard for his age and I was not having anything to do with it.  I turned off my cell, didn’t answer the house phone and therefore I missed his apology via phone and texting.  Later, much later, when I did turn  on my cell phone, he had sent me a text while he was on the road (another one), "whose acting emotionally immature now?" it read.  I laughed some more and so I learned, you can have the last word without uttering a word. 

Training has been going well.  The scale doesn’t reflect much, a two pound loss, however, my fat clothes are not as snug which means I’m head in the right direction!  I’m training heavy for now, reps in the range of 6 or so and sets in the range of 4 to 5.  Unfortunately, my left calf is still giving me some grief.  I’ve been running cautiously.  I indulged in a nice juicy hamburger yesterday, it was great!  First cheat meal I had this week.  It had bacon and cheese on it, I like my meat!  Sometimes a girl just has to have something juicy and sinful to bite into!  No regrets, I’ll just work a little harder and longer tomorrow! 

The week is not over and I haven’t done my workout for today, however, it was a good week for me.  I’ve been consistent.  I worked up a sweat every single day and watched my eating.  It wasn’t perfect, it was pretty darn close though. 

Darn!  I gave it all I could and it wasn’t good enough but it was the best I could do.  Atleast for that moment, that’s what it was, you can bet I am going at it again until I accomplish an hour on the freaking stairmaster!  I ended up 15 minutes shy from completing my hourly goal.  I stepped a little over 3.5 miles at a speed of 7 choosing the fat burn program.  It was rough and I am feeling it today! I did take a one-one minute break somewhere in there.  I’m walking around feeling sluggish and beat up, not to mention I needed plenty of coffee to get me going this morning!  I love Friday’s at the gym, it’s pretty empty.  I’ll be training hamstrings and it’s my cardio rest day!  I need it, my knees are feeling a little sensitive.  I have a 9 mile run this weekend, not sure if I’ll be tackling the run on Saturday or Sunday, but it will get done.