Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

He decided not to come home on his own.  Haven’t heard from him, don’t know where he’s at, with who or where he slept last night and if he had a wram dinner or not.  Can I tell you, as a mother it tears me up.  It’s stressful, stressful to have him home and try to direct him in the right direction.  Stressful to not have him home and not know anything.  As the night began to fall, my mood began to go down with it.  My anxiety level went out the roof and I ate.  Hot wings, cake, pasta.  I would have worked out, however, I am so damn sore I can’t even walk right now!  It hurts to walk, sit and roll around in bed.  I guess no news is good news.  Last time he got in trouble he called home.  I’ll wait, trust things will work out they way they are suppose to and trust that I can handle it. 

I’m not staying home today and giving in to this grief.  I plan on working out, going to the mall and eating well.  I’ve found a picture where I think I might like my backside.  A couple, actually.  One is on the smaller side of things and the other not so much.  Not sure which direction I’m headed and yet, just trying to stay focused.  Hell, Richard might ban the second pic.  You just never know with him!

Rough night.  Busted the teen with some beer, took his car keys and phone away and he flipped.  I’m pissed.  It’s the kind of pissed where I’m not up to discussing much and I’m done crying over his crap.  He elbowed one of my doors, busting a hole in it.  Called me all kinds of names under the sun and broke through a window screen onto the roof when he was aware I called the cops.  Hubby is out of town, so this was all on me.  I don’t know who the hell the thinks he is having a friend over and drinking beer as if he runs this house.  I don’t know who the hell he thinks he is calling me all kinds of names his father never has or anyone who knows me would even attempt to do so.  I don’t know who the hell he thinks he is thinking I need to explain myself to him.  I was a little upset last night, but it wore off fast.  The lack of respect with that foul mouth of his took things to a whole different level for me.  Right or wrong, whether anyone agrees or not…if he thinks he’s all that, life is so unbearable and miserable in our house, then have at it and leave.  He came back with how I needed to sign consent to drop out of school.  Sorry, but if you’re all that Mr. Stud, do it for yourself. 

I’ve been giving last night’s events some thought over a cup of coffee.  I’ve been giving the events in the last 6 months some thought.  I’ve been thinking about relationships, those that define us as parents, spouses, sisters, daughters, and so on.  Relationships, regardless of which category they fall under have boundaries and entail respect, regard and consideration.  Any love lacking those characteristics is unhealthy.

There is a reason why I don’t train with a trainer.  I’d forgotten why, but it came to me and quite fast might I add.  You see, I’m one of those beings who can have an "O" while working out.  On my own, I can hold it at bay.  I cut back on the exercise, calm myself down and then hit it again.  It’s been a while since I’ve worked out at such an intense level though.  Simply said, I forgot about this reaction of mine.  So today, while working out with a trainer and pushing hard I broke out in one of those OMG laughs and had to take a walk.  Are you okay? he asked.  He had no idea.  I made it through the workout, five "O’s" later and a raging headache at the end of the workout.  It was sinful and shameful, having to excuse myself each and every freaking time.  Truth is, I was a little pissed.  I laughed it off, but it ticked me off.  I’m determined, it will NOT happen again. 

I misbehaved this weekend.  I wasn’t feeling that great on Saturday so I had me a margarita.  Perked me up.  When all else fails, hitting some booze might do the trick.  I’m embarrassed to say, but I’m a UFC junkie.  While GSP was kicking BJ Penn’s butt, I had me some beer.  Come Sunday, Superbowl.  More beer, hot wings, cake, artichoke dip, crackers, pasta and what have you.  I sinned royally and cardio or not, the scale reported a 4 lb. increase to 108.  It just doesn’t take much.  I had a great time doing it, no regrets.  I believe if you sin, enjoy it while you are doing so!  Back to good today and of course, never perfect.