Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.  "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.  "What a way to die."  As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.  While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"  "No!" She shrieked, aghast.  So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.  "Do you screw?" he asked.  "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.  He dropped her too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.  As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the 8th floor.  "I suck!  I screw!"  she screamed in panic.  "Slut."  he said, and dropped her.

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not easy to be married to.  I’ll give you an example, which this really riles my husband, my money is my money, his money is my money too.  Sometimes, I think the universe in some way, shape or form tries to bring clarity into your life by challenging those inner demons.  So, this morning, while I pulled out a card from my Le Chic Chick deck–it most certainly has given me a moment of pause.

Le Chick Chick knows……The Imprtance of Tolerance…

Everyone has their moods, but there comes a time when we stop sensoring ourselves and begin to show strangers more courtesy and respect than we do our loved ones.

Next time you catch yourself being short, disrespectful, or just generally ugly toward someone you love, STOP.  Step back and take a good look at who you’re talking to…  If it’s a family member or a dear friend, remember a precious moment the two of you shared.  IF it is someone you are romatically involved with, remember how you both acted when you first started dating.

No one you love or who loves you should have to tolerate your wrath or moods firsthand.  If you need to be left alone, politely let everyone know you need some space.  If you have genuine reasons for being upset with a loved one, find a way to communicate without letting your emotions get in the way.  Imagine this is the last conversation you’ll ever have with this person -  how would you treat them?  Treat them with that same amount of love and respect all the time.

I don’t ever look forward to Wednesday workouts.  I kicked some booty on the Stairmaster yesterday, mine!  As difficult as it is the results are worth it.  Some of the best results I’ve had has been due to doing some serious time on the Stairmaster.  An hour into it, 5 miles later, I was drenched and so very tired.  Still feeling it today.  A little low on energy. 

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a picture.  I’m just not ready to deal with the reality of what the camera has to say.  Things are coming along.  A little less here and there, a little more here and there.  Small changes, nothing significant.  Nevertheless, progress in the right direction.

We all enjoy a good satisfying sh*t.  But did you know that you can transform a regular sh*t into a fantastic sh*t?  Just follow this simple eight step guide to the perfect crap!  Follow along as you create a new chaper in your life…..

1.  Timing - The right timing makes all the difference….  Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic.  Let your instincts guide you.

2.  Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your sh*t.  Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world.

3.  Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant ass blasts.  Public restroooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs.  Home is where the sh*t goes down!  If you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and piss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers.

4.  The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets.  The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent shitter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions.  This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters.

5.  Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic sh*t of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper.  The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen TV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

6.  Ventilation - Suffication on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die.  Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend.  Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid sh*t from your ******* and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.

7.  Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything.  Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap, shitty toilet paper.  Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin.  Quality is the difference between "I just got shit stank on my hand" single layer toilet paper and "I could clean up nuclear waste and survive" triple layer toilet paper.

8.  Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E-coli swill for however long it took you to blast your ass, the bathroom may require detoxificiation in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward.  Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level.  We’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here! 

**OF COURSE, MY 200TH BLOG WOULD BE ABOUT….CRAP!”

The biggest misconception I run into at the gym is how people are going to convert their fat into muscle.  So, the explanation begins on how they are two entirely different masses.  Sometimes, at the end of the discussion people do not believe this is so.  Six weeks later, talk about they are looking SWOLLEN!  Big guy, big guns, big chest, big ass and lots of fat.  Same for the gals at times.  Yep, some nice muscle under that layer of insulation.  I must say, I am not picking on these people.  I am looking a little swollen myself.  I get a little tripped-up when it comes to doing cardio in my fat burning zone.  Hence, my results are not what they should be for the time I am putting in.  After a great shoulder workout I jumped on the old treadmill and hit it nice and easy.  Nice and easy and sweaty that is.  Happy workouts!

Okay, I have no problem reading guy language.  As for chick language sometimes I just miss it!  There have been many times where chicks have hit on me and I thought they were being friendly.  Not the case.  There is this chick in my gym and I think this girl has a crush on me.  I’m not sure.  She’s elusive.  No eye contact or smiling at people and what have you.  There to do her thing and out of there.  Thing is, she looks my way and tries not to get caught looking my way.  She glances and quickly glances away.  I’m trying to make sense of this behaviour.  Kind of strange.  Women check each other out all the time!  Women are worse then men in that regard.  They look, roll their eyes, smile, give some kind of acknowledgement…even if it is a "stay the hell away, bi&*h" look.  I don’t get it.  Aside from having short hair, I can’t tell you what she looks like.  Her body is smokin’!  I’m envious!  I can’t compete with that right now if she’s feeling a little challenged.  Something tells me that’s not it though.   I don’t know, some chicks are weird.