Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

Can a man and a woman be friends with no strings attached?  No something-something down the road, only friends.  I wonder if it’s possible.  I’ve come to find, however, "friendship" with the opposite sex can be a slippery slope.  People push boundaries, men and women.  And so I wonder, are there ulterior motives from the get go?  "Yes, we can be friends" says Ken to Barbie.  What Ken does not say is, "I will befriend you, earn your trust, tell you jokes, pay you compliments and when you’re feeling bad about husband, family, boyfriend  or maybe a little drunk, I will cease the opportunity and ride you like a wild bull.  Afterwards, yes we can still be friends."  I wonder about the male species, the ones on the prowl under the radar.  A friend of mine said, "All men have some dog in them."  So I asked, "And you?  Do you have a little dog in you?"  He admitted he did.  And so the question begs to be asked, do you have some dog in you?  If so, what does the dog in you have to say?  Hmmm….just trying to understand the male species.

*Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.

*I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

*That was a great fart!  Do another one!

*I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

*You’re so sexy when you’re hung over!

*Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

*I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you PLEASE try again!

*Let’s subscribe to Hustler.

*Would you like me to go down on my girlfriend?

*If I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!

*I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankels behind my head for you….

*I’m bored.  Let’s shave my little kitty….

*I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste!

Story one:

It all started with a dead roach on his side of the bed.  As I noticed it and came closer for inspection I mindlessly grabbed a paper towel to pick it up.  I paused midway, convinced he had also seen it.  He more than likely stepped over it and left it there.  What did this mean, I asked myself.  Am I responsible for picking up the roach?  So, I left the little bastard where it RIP smack center in the pathway to and from my husband’s side of the bed.  Day two rolls around, the roach is still there.  I vacuum around it.  Day three, the roach is becoming an eyesore on my white carpet.  Day four, the little bastard is crushed.  My husband stepped on it and left it as is.  Later on that night my husband says to me, "I noticed you haven’t picked up that roach.  Is it our new decor?"  I laugh.  "Funny you should mention that.  I noticed it’s on your side of the bed and you’ve crushed the little bastard, you haven’t picked it up either."  "It’s your job!" he exclaims.  So I asked, "How so? I stay home, I’m a housewife and I have roach responsibilites?  Where is that written?  Is it an automatic invisibile-unsaid given?"  I got a yes.  "I see" I responded.  I could tell he had made up his mind, no need to argue, the roach spent another night on the carpet.  The next morning I took the little bastard, walked into our closet and put it in the pocket of my husband’s business suit.  I picked the damn thing up, what I was suppose to do with it up to me, right?  He found the roach later, freaked!  LOL.  He’s never put it together and I’ve never confessed.

Story two:

My husband hollared at me one day, "There’s no toilet paper in our bathroom."  His ass sitting on the pot.  I fetched him a roll, handing it over to him.  I wondered if he thought it was also my responsibility to replenish the toilet paper.  The following time the toilet paper ran out, I tended to my business and took the toilet paper and put it back in the cabinet.  This went on for a while.  Same thing would happen, I’d get the "no toilet paper" hollar.  I was getting very tired of going in there and handing him a roll under such smelly conditions.  "Listen" I said one day when I had had enough, "has it ever occured to you that you CAN replace the toilet paper roll?  I will not hold it against you.  The way I see it, you have an ass too.  You’re ass is bigger than my ass.  You go to the bathroom more frequently than I do.  I’m inclined to believe your bigger more productive ass uses more toilet paper than I do."  He laughs.  "This is not a coincidence, I’ve been testing your ass.  Literally!  If I was to see a sprinkler head broken I’m not waiting for you to come back into town to fix it.  I’m going to tend to it and you should have the same consideration." 

Days went by and I noticed, no toilet paper replacement in the bathroom.  He wasn’t hollaring so, I was not going to question the situation. One night, he complains his ass is a little stingy.  I question why and he confesses, "I’ve been using your vagina wipes."  "My wipes have witch hazel in them, I’m guessing your ass is not appreciating that.  Let me take a look."  I make my way to his netherlands, "OH MY GOD!"  He’s freaks "What?"  We make eye contact, "You now have a pussy."  We both laugh.  I don’t know about him, really. We do, however, both replace the toilet paper.

Well, that damn camera.  I think I need a new one.  LOL.  It’s not pretty, but it is what it is.  Remember,  I mentioned I had a lot more junk.  It just doesn’t take much for this little body to get a little bent out of shape.  The one thing I can say, I did not mislead! 

Antisocial Farter:  One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

Amiable Farter:  One who loves the smell of other peoples’ farts.

Athletic Farter:  One who farts at the slightest exertion.

Bruise Farter:  One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.

Dishonest Farter:  One who farts and then blames the dog or the kid.

Environmental Farter:  One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.

Foolish Farter:  One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

Female (Dishonest) Farter:  They let you think they don’t fart until you marry them.

Honest Farter:  One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.

Impudent Farter:  One who farts loudly and then laughs.

Lean Farter:  One who has to lean to one side to let a fart out.

Intellectual Farter:  On who determines from the smell of his neighbor’s fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.

Miserable Farter:  One who would truly love to but can’t fart at all.

Musical Fater:  One who farts and you can name that tune.

Nervous Farter:  One who stops in the middle of a fart.

Poop-Toot:  One whose farts let him know when a poop is coming through the tunnel.

Proper Farter:  one who always tries to punctuate his farts, Borga style.

Sadistic Farter:  One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mate’s head.

Scientific Farter:  One who tries to determine what caused the fart.

Sensitive Farter:  One who farts and then bursts into tears.

Shy Farter:  One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

Snob Farter:  One who thinks their poop doesn’t smell but whose farts give them away.

Strategic Farter:  One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.

Syllable Farter:  One who only lets one puff at a time.

Thrifty Farter:  One who always has several farts in reserve.

Unfortunate Farter:  One who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead.

Vain Farter:  One who loves the smell of his own farts.

Truth is, at the moment, I am a no waistline girl.  Looking back, I’m not sure about the exact turning point.  There is, however, no denying the situation any longer.  There are those times when you look in the mirror, a bill, or at something/someone be it internally or externally that has been a struggle along the way and you say to yourself "naahh…not possible."  Simply said, you just don’t want to go there. 

I was walking around thinking I felt a little heavier, but of course I was in denial of it.  It all started coming to light though when I went to my massage therapist last week.  I was complaining about not being able to go up in weight doing squats because my back was killing me.  As he’s working on my back he says, "Your ass has gotten bigger.  Look at that.  What are you doing?"  Allow me to put it this way, there was some wiggle going on in the glute area as he was working on my back.  LOL.  I thought to myself, WTF!  First, no one asked him what the hell he thought and second, I had not seen this guy in a month.  It occurred to me, how many asses has he seen between now and then?  Could it be he was confusing my ass with someone else?  I brushed his comment off and went about my business.

That weekend my husband and I had a wine tasting party.  I put on a little green dress and we were good to go.  Sometime during the party my husband says to me, "You’ve put on some weight honey.  You don’t look as thin as you normally do.  Your back is thicker, your arms are thicker, everything is just thicker."  I laughed as I thought to myself, "no sex for his ass tonight."  LOL. 

Come Sunday, those comments were still on my mind.  I wasn’t quite convinced though.  I decided, time to pull out my old favorite jeans.  The ones I keep around when I exceed the numbers on the scale due to muscle.  You can’t just go by the scale.   They tell me the truth about inches and growth.  My jeans, they NEVER lie.  They fit alright, a little snug here and there.  They prompted me to get on the scale, weighed in at a cool 107.2, bodyfat up to 24% and that was all I could handle this morning.

I’ll oust myself come Monday on bb.  Believe it or not, I’m not frazzled or kicking my own ass over this voluptuousness.  I’m going to enjoy my curves, the wiggle and what have you.  So I called up my husband, "Yes honey, it’s true.  It’s just more woman coming at you."  LOL.

They woke up and Had a Vagina…

10.  Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9.  Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8.  See if they could finally do the splits.

7.  See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6.  Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5.  Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4.  Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first!

3.  Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2.  Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts!

And the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina……

1.  Finally find that damned G-spot.

He started off by saying, "It’s hard to get a good workout in when you’re around."  I thought to myself, how should I respond?  For a minute I considered saying, "Yes, it is."  I reconsidered the thought, I wasn’t in the mood for something so sassy.  Then I thought of saying, "Do go on" wondering if he would and just what would he say?  I wanted to keep it real though and real it was.  "I know what you mean.  Same thought crosses my mind when I look in your direction."  I said it in that deep sultry voice of mine that I know captures a man’s full attention.  I met his gaze as my words left my mouth curious about his reaction.  He smiled, laughed a little, scratched his head some, looked down at the floor and I continued to watch him.  My dark brown eyes never leaving him.  He had come into my territory, I was standing my ground.  I laughed some over his discomfort, he was relieved and walked on to continue with his workout. 

I continued with my workout.  Sometimes, I think, you need a little amusement.  That’s what I was thinking today anyway.  A little fun.   I don’t know about you but life can become so mundane at times.  Laundry, kids, playing house, cooking, blah, blah, blah.  As I looked across the gym aware he was watching me there was no responsiblity whereas he was concerned, only an appreciation that spoke volumes and I was amused. 

He came around me again and this time I addressed him.  "You’ve put on some good mass since the holidays."  He replied with a thank you and asked if he was fat before.  I told him he had been a little pudgy after the holidays.  He cracked up, "You’re honest!  I like that."  He admitted he had put on a layer of insulation during the holidays. 

I moved on to another part of the gym to finish my workout.  He walked my way during one of my rest periods.  "Tell me about yourself, are you married?  What is your name?" he asked.  I paused and wondered, what would it mean to give him my name?  I decided it was time for Mr. Cutie Pie and I to make things real.  So, I laid it all out, marriage, kids and so on.  No more intrigue, the fantasy diminished.  As he walked away I couldn’t help but notice….he has one nice ass! 

First of all, I passed my math.  Whoo-hoo…done with that for now and moving on with more math next semester.  Second, I’ve been working out.  Haven’t been in the mood for cardio.  I’ve ran less than two miles this week.  I’m bored with the treadmill and ready to take it outside. 

Now, let me tell you what is really on my mind….my 16 year old is hell on wheels right now!  He is on the chase all the time.  If you know what I mean by “CHASE.”  A freaking dog sniffing, on the hunt.  What is a mother to do?  Well, this mother handed his ass a box of condoms.  The truth is, I worry about him.  This whole double standard crap between boys and girls is tough when you’re raising a young man.  I knew the first time he got his first piece of ass.  He went to a supervised party during his summer after 8th grade graduation.  I spoke to the parents, offered to bring stuff, offered to chaperone and was told it was all taken care of.  Well, he walked in with a funny look on his face after the party and gave me a head to toe run down.  I saw something click in those eyes of his, a slow realization of …”mom is a girl.”  So, I said to him, “You just got laid, didn’t you?”  Of course I got the whole NO answer with his big wide eyes about to pop out of their sockets.  “Sure you did,” I responded.  “Why don’t you go sit your ass down while I put your brother to bed, get myself a beer and we can talk about it.”  He did get laid and worse of all it was a freaking SENIOR from high-school that was his first.  

I was pissed to be honest with you.  He had just graduated from 8th grade!  What the hell was she/he thinking?  When I share this story with friends, I get mixed responses.  The men say, “He’s a boy, it’s what he’s suppose to do.  Good for him.”  Some mother’s are appalled.  I find it funny when I’m told they wouldn’t buy a box of condoms for their sons.  AS IF not providing the box of condoms will stop them from having sex!  LOL.  It’s not like he asked my permission, he did it anyway.  Some believe their son’s aren’t having sex.  Yeah.  One of my friends, well, she’s now a grandmother.  Then there is the whole double-standard thing.  “Well, I’ll have the conversation with my son but not with my daughter.”  I always ask, “Is that because girls don’t have sex?”  LOL.   My son is having sex and it’s with someone’s daughter.  Empower your daughters to take care of themselves.  I have a step-daughter and I ask her all the time, “you having sex?”  Her father always runs out of the room like a wild bull.  LOL.  She blushes and we work through the conversation.  Hey, I’m not saying I like it, what I do say to my kids, “I might not like it, I might get pissed off over what you’ve done, but there is nothing that we can’t talk about and work through.” 

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.  The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.  One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don’t think so…"

THE NERVOUS BRIDE

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.  "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly in between the sheets.  "Is that better?"  he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered, "now, would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"