Senseless ramblings of a Skewed woman
This entire math crap has me in a foul disposition. It has been time consuming, grueling, getting in the way of fitness and I’ve had it. Truth is, I just don’t give a sh*$ about math. I don’t care about lines, graphs and x-y equals what, when and why. Digging down a little deeper, it really riles me to realize I do the work necessary and f*&k the test up royally. The night before the exam I draw a blank just thinking about it. During the exam, well I am just f*#ked. I choke on tests, on math tests. Hmmm….something I’ve been in denial of, much easier to be in denial then handle the situation, but it’s not working. What ever happened to that one canny ability I used to have? There was once a time where I had this great skill of being able to separate my emotions from the task at hand. (Emotion being I hate math. Task being I do get it done. Emotion being I hate the thought of the exam, resent it and therefore I draw a blank.) Getting it done was my motto and with that in mind, liking the task or the people would be nice, but it was not necessary and irrelevant. It was a gift to be able to do this, growing up with the ass$#*s I grew up with, dealing with the the ones I had to work with. I’m frustrated to say the least, feeling challenged and dumb…why can’t I get this fu*#ing math! Oh yeah, I don’t like it and I’m really stuck there.
What else is bothering me today? Well, the house is a war zone and the office is a wreck. I have errands to run and the damn dog took a crap in the kids room and she’s pissed all over my carpets. She’s getting old, she’s a sweet dog but I’ve run out of patience and I don’t like her. Although I’m aware I have other stuff to do, I am so skewed over this I can’t get going. I don’t want to clean house, I don’t want to tend to paperwork, I don’t want to run errands, I don’t want to go shopping, I don’t want to exercise and I don’t want to have sex. I would like to cry over this frustration but that would (in my mind) be accepting defeat and although I am feeling defeated I am not consenting to defeat. Besides, I hate to cry. Used to be, during times of such high frustration I’d have me a beer with a good old country song, but it just doesn’t have the same appeal it used to. What does that mean? I’m getting old? Boring? Growing-up? Besides, I’m not in the mood to go and get the beer, if it would walk it’s ass to me now I might drink it! LOL.
I am trying (believe it or not) to find my happy place right now, create it and I’m failing miserably. I say to myself, there are more important things going on in the world, this pales in comparison. But, I don’t want to think of God or Jesus, famin or war and what have you….it’s just what it is and where I am at, skewed. I have, however, a total of 5 hours to get my s*#t together, for the sake of my boys and my husband. There is no need for my men to come home to a violent cross-eyed wife and mother. I don’t want to start cleaning the house when the boys get home, at that point it’s all "mommy, mommy, mommy" and it will be a breaking point for me, all hell could break lose. Although I am skewed, I am skewed and contained. I realize part of my frustration is that math final coming up, but at the moment due to my disposition I am not ready to deal with that, but I can’t be in denial of it, I’ll put it to the side and pick it up later. I must come up with a specific date because "later" is not a day of the week and I might put it off inevitably and resort to my favorite motto of all time…"f8#k it." So, come Sunday I’ll deal with the final.
Needless to say, I’m still a little pissy, but I’m about to walk my ass to my beer, play an old country song and start cleaning house. Although it does not have the same appeal, it’s better than sitting here and stewing in my own heap of sh*t in my own stink.
April 24, 2008 at 9:39 am
Damn…I could have give a rats a$$ about math…and i think u explained everything else crystal clear
April 24, 2008 at 9:45 am
Wow! You have a lot of frustration! I can Identify with it a little! I have punching bags in my basement for those days! I get it all out! God and Jesus Love You, get down and pray, it couldn’t hurt! Math is exercise for the mind, too much can burn you out, breaks are great to keep from going nuts! Beer has too many calories and alcohol is no good for you, it’s a depressant, you don’t need that! Sex is great for us men as stress relievers, I’m not sure about women on this, from what I can tell it may be more work for you! I see the only other thing is working out your frustration in some positive manner and don’t internalize all this crap! One thing at a time, delegate the house to hubby and kids, get some rest and make a list of priorities! Life is too short to worry! Turn your worry into intentional actions that will bring you closer to your goals! Now Go And Kick Some ASS!
May 3, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Math sucks. Can you pay someone to take these classes for you? And yes, I have had days like this…and sorry…but sometimes it feels good to hear other people vent their frustrations so you know you are not the only one. Stay real! Big kisses~~