Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the darling) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call James.  He identified himself as a 25 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.  My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:  Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find James waiting for me.  He is something of a Greek God – blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  WooHoo!  James gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout.  Very inspiring.  James was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:  I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  James made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but, I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as along as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  James was impatient with me, insisting my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so James put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  James told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:  James was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late.  It took me that long to tie my shoes.  He took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.  He sent Hans to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY:  I hate that bastard James more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 13th, 2008 at 6:45 am and is filed under Training. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.