Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "f#*k".  It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.

In language, "F&%K" falls into many grammatical categories.

1.  It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f%#!%d Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f%&*#d by John).

2.  It can be an action verb (John really gives a f&*k.), a passive verb (Mary doesn’t give a f%$k.), an adverb (Mary is f&*%#!g interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f#%k).

3.  It can also be used as an adjective  (Mary is f&*$%#g beautiful) or  an  interjection (F$%k! I’m late for my date with Mary).

4.  It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f#$K she’s also stupid).

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations…

Greetings     "How the f*&k are ya?’

Fraud     "I got f*&%#d by the car dealer."

Resignation     "Oh, f*&k it!"

Trouble     "I guess I’m f%$#*d now."

Aggression     "F*&k YOU!"

Disgust     "F*&k me."

Confusion     "What the f*&k….?"

Difficulty     "I don’t understand this f#$%&*g business!"

Despair     "F#$%&d again…"

Pleasure     "I  f*&%$#g couldn’t be happier."

Displeasure     "What the f#$k is going on here?"

Lost     "Where the f#$k are we?"

Disbelief     "UNF#$%ING BELIEVEABLE!"

Retaliation     "Up your f&*$ing ass!"

Denial     "I didn’t f#$%ing do it."

Apathy     "Who really gives a f#$k, anyhow?"

Suspicion     "Who the f#$K are you?"

Panic     "Let’s get the f#$k out of here."

It can be used in an anatomical description - "He’s a f#$%&*g a#$hole."

It can be used to tell time - "It’s five f#$%&*g thirty."

It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this f#$%&*g job?"

It can be maternal - "Mother f#$%&r."

It can be political - "F#$k Dan Quayle!"

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "f#$%."  Hope you have a great "f#$%&*g" HUMP day!

Q:  What do you get when you have two little balls in your hand?  A:  A mans undivided attention.

Q:  What three words can deflate a mans ego?  A:  Is it in?

Q:  What did the banana say to the vibrator?  A:  Why are you shaking, she’s going to eat me!

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "How can God make you so beautiful and yet so dumb?"  The wife responded, "Allow me to explain, God made me beautiful so you’d be attracted to me.  HE made me stupid so I’d be attracted to you!"

The Cucumber, Pickle and Penis 

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks.  Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

"So," the pickle looks at him and says, "you think you have it bad?  Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glares at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough?  Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!"

Haven’t been to the gym since I took my pics.  Headed back to it today.  I pulled my left groin and it’s not healing well.  Got a little greedy with the weights.  Truth is, my gym has barbells in 10 pound increments.  So I went from walking lunges of 40 lbs to 50 lbs and I felt a little twinge.  Then I moved on to the leg press machine with a little heavier weights and that did me in.  The Hack Squat machine did not help matters either.  I’ve improvised my lower body workout.  I’ve come up with what I call an alternative "sissy" routine (LOL) but it will work and atleast it will keep me busy.  Something is better than nothing. 

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the darling) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call James.  He identified himself as a 25 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.  My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:  Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find James waiting for me.  He is something of a Greek God – blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  WooHoo!  James gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout.  Very inspiring.  James was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:  I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  James made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but, I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as along as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  James was impatient with me, insisting my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so James put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  James told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:  James was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late.  It took me that long to tie my shoes.  He took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.  He sent Hans to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY:  I hate that bastard James more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Is it me or does it just seem like change is hard to come by where you want it most?  I took these pics last night and yeah I see some change but it’s not where I want it or how much change I was aiming for.  I’m a little disappointed to say the least.  Yes, I’ve only been into this for three weeks now, logically I understand that, but there’s something about me that just doesn’t like it. 

Running through my day, I can’t help but notice certain things about people, their actions or lack of.  As I make these observations I try not to make a judgement.  For example, a personal trainer who is unfit themselves.  I’m thinking, a trainer should be fit.  Yet again, I feel bad for thinking just that.  I understand not everyone can be a size 0, 2 or a 3.  At a certain point though, you have a good idea for your weight and height where you should be at….especially if you are a personal trainer. 

I’ve been strugggling with this observation and thought for quite some time.  Today, after a 10 year hiatus from a “paying” job, I went out and had an interview with a fitness club.  I waited at one location, got a phone call to meet the guy at another location and made my way to leave.  As I left the building an older man (70’s and above, who is a member) followed me out and asked if I was going to work at that particular facility.  What he said was this, “You would be an asset if you were to work here.  I see trainers working with clients when their belly is out to here and I just don’t think that’s right. You’re fit and you look the part.”  I was offered the job on the spot, I was offered a management position running a club (if I was interested) …none of which I’ve taken!  I asked how he could justify offerring me such a job with no experience in the field…”you’re fit,  good-looking, direct, bilingual and assertive” is the response I got.  Right or wrong, we do make assumptions and assess people.  Those assessments and assumptions might be unfair and inaccurate, however, don’t underestimate the importance of looking the part.

I want a booty that has no bounce, not a pinch of give and hell, since it’s my blog and my wants….let’s get the booty ripped.  LOL.  In talking to a friend about fitness, a friend from the male species said the most peculiar thing that has been stuck in my mind since…."you look great but don’t lose your curves."  I had an instant flashback of my many days in the gym and I wanted to beat his ass senseless. 

The million dollar question, "why do men like some junk in the trunk?"

I questioned him further wanting to know what he meant.  He explained something about a small waist spreading to fuller hips and some good thighs to go with it.  "It’s sexy in a woman.  You get the hips and thighs a little too thinned out or too much muscle and you lose some sex appeal.  You’re noticed for your muscles not your curves, there is a difference."  Interesting I thought, still wanting to beat his ass.  Then there’s my husband.  If stuff on this body is a little on the soft and mushy side he’s ecstatic.  Strange, strange man.  It kills me.  Oh well, I guess it just depends what head you’re thinking with. 

My gym is getting on my nerves. 

1.  Too many teens working out without supervision and doing some really stupid stuff. 

2.  Idiot people who rest their phone, towel, drink on a bench.  Bench is utilized as a coffee table. 

3.  Personal trainers training client’s while sitting their ass on another workout machine.    (Personal thoughts on this one:  You’re a personal trainer!  Stand your ass up, burns more calories.)

4.  People who load an enormous amount of weight on a hack squat, leg press or other exercise machine and leave it there for someone else to rack it up for them. 

5.  People in a daze for an extended amount of time on the machine you need to use.

6.  Guys who think since they lift more weights they should go before you.  Hence, their workout is more important than yours. 

7.  People who try and have a conversation with you when you are in the middle of a life and death rep.

8.  Women with loose fitting shorts.  Way too many panty crotch shots. 

9.  Women with loose fitting shorts who don’t wear panties and the vultures (men) who continue to circle. 

10.  Fat people doing dance classes.  First, I can’t dance, pisses me off.  Second, it ought to be against the law for shit to continue moving for that long.