Spanishbelle’s BodyBlog

During my day, minding my diet, no problem.  As night begins to fall, something happens.  What is it about the fridge, my dark chocolate covered almonds, cookies and what have you that come alive at night?  It’s a horror story, haunting me.  I’m not sure how this ghost of night time eating has resurrected itself…again, but it has!  I would like to think I have the will power to keep these cravings and desires at bay, but last night…I indulged, once again.   240 caloreis, 16 grams of fat, 20g of carbs and 4 g. of protein.  Damn!

It’s not that I don’t know any better!  Isn’t it funny how you know better but you just don’t do better?  What I’ve come to find out is that everyone has some kind of ghost haunting them, or a monkey of some kind on their back.  The thing is, it could be a phase or a way of life.  And, once you’ve picked your poison it could be for a short-term or a life sentence.  As my ghost has laid itself to rest with this mornings sunrise and I stare at my dark chocolate covered almonds, no temptation whatsoever to indulge in their sinful sweetness, I wonder…WHY!!! 

So, for those of you who are haunted in the same manner, I have no solution!  I might detox, sweat it out in a corner, thrashing wilding like an ex-addict.  Maybe I’ll exercise a little, do some push-ups, work up a sweat and earn the chocolate covered almonds.  Maybe I’ll pick another posion, sex with hubby.  Sex instead of food.  Hmmm….wonder if he’d go for it.  I’m at a loss at the moment and it’s hours before night falls again…I’ve got time! 

Here’s the thing about being a parent, it never ends.  You don’t get a day off!  There is always something.  I say to myself, these are busy times and their days are numbered.  One day, kids will be grown, girlfriends, graduations, weddings will be over with then come the grandkids.  So, I’m mindful to enjoy and bitch when no one is around or to girlfriends that share the same sentiment!  LOL. 

It’s been a week since I stepped into a gym.  I’ve been busy with family, my twenty year reunion and school.  It’s been fun, stressful, demanding!  I am missing the gym!  I miss the work-outs.  Do I start on Monday?  Do I start back today?  Do I want to be sore during the weekend? Yeah, that part, I do not miss. 

Not much going on.  I’ve been working out, hard and heavy.  Tomorrow is leg day, love it, hate it and it’s necessary.  I’ve grown my legs an inch, I’ve lost some bf, no weight loss though.  I’ve had to improvise my cardio.  My left ankle gave me hell after a 5 mile run earlier this week, I was limping around like a fool, my cardio came to an end.  I tried the Stairmaster yesterday, but atfter 15 minutes my ankle protested.  I called it over, nursed myself.  I hit the Precor machine today, ankle was okay, I worked up a good sweat.  I changed my back workout, working with cables.  I started doing cable pull-downs standing up vs. sitting down on a lat pull down machine.  Having to balance yourself while doing so is grueling and quite involved.  You really have to engage your core, be mindful of your stance and stay true to form.  It takes quite a bit of concentration, mind and muscle connection, it worked for me.  My back was sore last night and today my soreness is off the charts.  I’ll be back at it tomorrow.  Some good muscle definition and mass coming on, I’m just not leaning out.  I’m doing better with my eating, I guess I just need to be a tad bit more patient.  On the bright side, at least I haven’t gained!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

I stressed my neck today on the leg press machine.  Darn it hurts!  My workout was good, leg day.  Hard and heavy, I hate it, I love it.  It wears me out.  The gym was full of eye candy.  Male hard candy.  Hubby pissed me off before I headed to the gym so I was looking.  I look all the time but this time it crossed my mind that I miss those days.  Casual, fun with nothing but the moment at hand and no other expectations or concerns.  Easy come and a much easier go.  I worked out harder, inspired by the eye candy, pissed due to hubby, in the end it keeps me honest and it brings stuff along, it’s all a win. 

I’ve decided to get my cardio in first thing in the morning when I train legs.  Cardio after leg training makes for one long and much too hard session at the gym.  I ran this morning at 5:30, 3.5 miles.  I was pressed for time, did the best I could.  I’m finally sweating in that little space where my leg and ass meets, I am so excited!  I’m not where I want to be but most certainly headed in that direction. 

Why is it where you want to get rid of junk the most and soonest it just happens to be the last, very last to go?  That darn area from a little below my waist to my thighs…OMG!  It’s caught in a time warp.  There is a name for it you know, it’s called a Momma ass.  I happened to come across a trainer describing his client’s tush to another trainer.  I found it comical at the time simply because I did not suffer from such a condition.  But now, he’d be in danger!  LOL.  Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym yesterday just pissed me off.  Freaking thighs rubbing together, gluteal fold crap.  It keeps me going, but I can’t say it’s a positive experience since the results I want are not coming along where I want them to. 

Moving along, hard workout and busy workout yesterday.  Trained shoulders and arms.  I skipped Tuesday’s workout due to my lack of sleep.  My cardio plans consisted of a 5 mile run but about 2 1/2 miles into it my ankle started bothering me.  I paused a couple of times to see if it’d pass but it didn’t so I called it over at 2 1/2 miles. 

My teenager is a pain in the ass.  According to him, he was going to a friends house to work on his mouse trap project last night.  A project he knew about three weeks ago or so.  He’s the ultimate procrastinator.  So, he left at 11 p.m. because his project partner was somewhere with family.  Come two o’clock a.m., he’s not home.  I call  him, says they are almost done.  Come five a.m. he’s still not home.  I call him, text him, no immediate answer.  Ten minutes later I get a text and it reads "crap."  According to him he fell asleep at the friend’s house.  Yes, it all sounds like crap to me.  He has yet to explain the hickey he came home with.  I’m pissed. 

So, I had a ****ty night’s sleep and I’m tired.  As if that wasn’t enough, I woke up to find my Internet Explorer has crashed on my home PC.  I didn’t know that was even possible.  My hubby’s home PC is so ancient, I’d prefer to get a root canal than to work on it!  On his laptop right now which is also slow but it will do!

I do get hungry, th at’s not the problem.  I just don’t find anything appetizing at the moment and most of the time.  I open my fridge or pantry and it’s packed with food.  Thing is, I don’t want anything in it.  I don’t want chicken, or tuna or salmon.  For that matter, I don’t want Oreos, pizza or foods high in fat.  I’m being very picky when it comes to food!  It’s driving me nuts!  Hell, I might even be a little lazy.  At times, I don’t want to cook the salmon, chicken or tuna!  At the end of the day, I don’t meet my caloric intake and results aren’t coming like they should.  I do see some results here and there, but things should be looking better.  No weight loss and no bf loss again.  My weight is back up to 110, still in the same fat pants, body is holding on to everthing.  My workout was grueling today, legs and abs.  As you know, if you train like a champion but don’t eat like one it defeats the purpose.  I’ll give it another go tomorrow.

We will never be friends.  My hubands’ ex-wife and I, we will never be friends.  I tried along the way.  There were a couple of times I thought she was coming around, then she’d revert to her old indifferent ways when the moment of what was to her convenience had passed.  It didn’t take me long to recognize her pattern. 

The first few years were beyond crazy.  The fighting over the kids, the challenges over the new wife.  She wouldn’t call the house because I would answer the phone.  When my husband metioned this to me I was like, "WTF, I live here, did you tell her that?"  I realized that although you can be legally divorced, the "emotional" divorce has to follow.  No kids, no problem.  Got kids?  Big problem.  There’s plenty of crazy stories to tell, but honestly, the turning point is what matters most.

My life and I came to a stand still with the traumatic death of my first husband.  His death was sudden and so unexpected it tormented me.  I had a vision someday we’d get together as adults, wiser, married to others and we’d mend our differences.  He died and that never came to pass.  It never occured to me we’d have no time.  The most painful thing of all, there was no undoing, redoing or going back, there was only regrets and a tombstone to talk to.  I changed my priorities.  I realized there had to be room, an opportunity for her to be able to come into my house, call my house, call my husband, call her kids at my house for the sake of the kids and my husband.  Simply put, you can’t blend a family and have some semblance of peace if you care about the kids and you’re indifferent about their mother.   

It hasn’t been easy and there’s been very little gratitude from her.  I didn’t change for her gratitude or to be the bigger and better person.  I changed so someday I can look back and not have as many regrets that I cannot undo.  Which brings me to another point, anytime you give of yourself, do so without strings attached.  Yes, you’ll still feel disappointed, yes you might want to kick some butt, however, when that passes and you put yourself in perspective not only do people show you what they are really about but you see it and you get it.

I saw her yesterday, my husband’s ex-wife.  I approached her to ask her about the kids.  Her son, my step-son, is a paranoid schizophrenic , in jail, not on meds and refusing treatment.  My step-daughter, her daughter, is undergoing testing for some immune disorder, I’m devastated, she is such a good girl.  She was stressed, at a breaking point, couldn’t talk.  I walked away, knowing she did not want to break-down in front of me.  We will never be friends my husbands’ ex-wife and I.  As a person, I get her.  As a woman, I get her.  As a mother, I get her. 

I’ve been overdue for a massage for quite some time.  My running stride is compromised due to tight hip flexors, tight glutes, tight lower back, just plain tight.  I finally got in to see my massage therapist.  He worked me over really good.  He’s not a small thing, an easy 6 "4" and an easier 285 pounds of pure muscle.  There’s no skin rub with this guy, he starts off deep and gets deeper and deeper.  He likes it when I say I want it a little harder and a little deeper.  He nods his head and says "it’s you little women who like so much pressure!"  More than likely, I’ll be skipping my workout today.  I’m feeling some soreness settling in.  It hurts, in a good way though.  Plenty to tend to here at home.  It’s a little cool, a nice soup to warm up the soul sounds appetizing to me.  Maybe I’ll whip up a dessert for the men who are coming home to me after school and after work, it’s appetizing to them.  Clean up around the house some, makes us all happy!  Moral of the story is, relaxed Mom…happy home!