smiles1979’s BodyBlog

I’m SO excited that I got engaged on Saturday! The day before my big birthday my (now) Fiance proposed! We were having a nice family birthday dinner at my Mom’s Saturday evening and he thought it’d be appropriate to propose that day, so we could all celebrate my birthday and then being engaged with those closest to us! He even secretly videotaped the proposal! I loved it!

Haven’t set a date quite yet, but we’re also working on getting a house. So, there’s all the more reasons for me to get myself healthy and in shape!!!

YAY!!!

I’ve been ‘worrying’ about turning 30 for a little while now….but it’ll be here in less than 2 days…so I feel like I have no choice but to embrace it! I want to turn my life around from here on in.

I know it’s not going to be overnight or anything close…but with a new decade of life and new beginnings all around (my bf and I are working on getting a house, etc.) I want to forge ahead with a positive mindset to make my 30’s and beyond the best I can!

As I’ve heard the saying go…’30’s are the new 20’s…’ and the ’30’s are the best years’ or something like that…

and to remember ‘30 and thriving!’

So, I’d like to keep with those thoughts!

I still have a lot of the same goals going, but new ones too.

I am looking forward to renewing my personal vows, so to speak, to myself to be more true to myself, to those I love and care about and to change the way I think about myself and others.  I want to do all the things I’ve dreamt about for the past 10 years or more and really keep up with it.

I want to have one of those ‘transformation’ type stories to tell one day! I’m looking to become the healthiest version of myself that I have always dreamed about!

So…here it goes!

30 - ready or not?! Here I come!

Today (like yesterday)..well as of late (the past week I guess), I’ve been seriously ‘bingeing’ on candy. Halloween season and all….and yet, it’s not quite Halloween!

I bought candy for work…1st bad decision…and then I eat it! I just don’t understand myself sometimes….

Anyway…after coming across some info. I am beginning to wonder if I have B.E.D. or some form of it.. I find myself bingeing (mostly on sweets, though not all the time).  The ‘binge’ isn’t 1,000’s of calories, but hundreds I would imagine.  I usually find I ‘binge’ on things like ‘candy’ when it’s around at work..:*( Though more so it may happen when I’m alone at the apt. I find myself scrounging!!! for various snacks….I’m hungry all the time! I then feel like crap after and tell myself ‘it’s the last time’, but then maybe the next day I do it again. I hate this…

Well, similar idea happens with sticking to a workout and/or healthy eating routine…

I start out doing great with a routine and then something happens (various things) and I find myself stopping the routine and never making any progress. It’s this wickedly vicious cycle and I hate it as well!

Anyway….

Once again..I’m starting over. 

I think I’m that much more depressed at the moment…knowing my 30th b-day is coming up in just over 2 weeks! I’m not ready for it AT ALL!  I told myself (soo many times) I wanted to be fit for my 30th (or at least at a weight/fitness level that I could feel REALLY proud of…..feeling like ‘I made it ~ I got myself to a great place.’

Well, I do have to say that since Dec. of last year up until June of this year, I had kept my weight under 130 lbs. and that was an accomplishment in itself, but I guess I never could see that. Reflection on it tells me NOW that I really did lose lbs. and inches and WAS on my way to getting to a great place…as I said. Though I couldn’t see that.

Now, I’m just over 130 give or take a lb. or two….and though I’ve started back up some with a workout routine these past 4-6 weeks and am beginning to see some of the muscle gain again in my back/shoulders/arms….it’s not ‘enough’.

I don’t feel I want to be in ‘bodybuilder’ shape exactly…but really fit!  I want to be able to soo confidently wear cute clothes and be able to rock a bikini in the summer! Though it takes a lot to get to a place like that and I’ve only started and stopped for just over 3-4 years with this yo-yo lifestyle.  I’m up one day, a couple days, a few months….then fall and have to pick back up again…just like said before.

It’s soo frustrating. I feel 1/2 the time that I’m in this alone. Yeah, there are people on BB.com and on other sites that root for me which is SO great, though I think some of my IRL family and friends, because I’m around them day to day…aren’t helping…

My b/f (whom I live with) some days is all for healthy eating…then he’s SO not, which doesn’t help me.  I can have only so much willpower….:(  So often I find myself going along w. whatever he’s eating, etc. OR on the other hand, HE is the one trying to support me by telling me I shouldn’t have the candy I crave or to not have that second helping, etc. and I want it anyway, etc. It’s really both of us, back and forth….

It’d be nice with some consistency.  I want to be able to find that ‘balance’…it seems like it’s only a dream…that it’s never really attainable (though I know it is b/c there are MANY ~ MANY people out there, like on BB.com that have proven it!) I just have to find it for myself.

I think also…part of my reason for starting/stopping w. my workouts/healthy eating is my life overall. I’m not quite also at a place in my life where I think I ’should’ be.  I am not yet married or have any children.  I am in the works of buying a home w. my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years….but the rest isn’t there yet. I know that’s not a reason to not be healthy, but it’s just a part of the ’stress’ I’m feeling right now in my life.  My job (in this economy for sure) is one I AM glad to have, but it’s not a job I truly enjoy…it’s alright, but I would much rather be doing something else.  I’ve pondered the idea of having a small business or making my love for crafts into a small business, but I think another deep rooted issue to alll of this is the fact that I let my fears get in the way.

If I didn’t fear these things, I’d probably just be able to ‘go with the flow’ of how my life is going right now in terms of relationships, family life, etc., my job, and getting myself healthy!

Anyway….these are just some thoughts that I’ve been going over lately…

I probably have posted about these same thoughts or something similar before….but that’s okay….

It’s about getting back up and keepin’ on…right?!

So, 1 foot in front of the other….

(I need to find a way to be held accountable that WORKS for me…)….that’s another novel though…haha. 

So, yeah, after several weeks of not having consistently going to the gym…I went yesterday. I did some treadmill, sit down bike, hip machines then did Steve’s Ab workout! I am sore today, but feelin’ good! I am looking forward to heading to gym again tonight, but this time to go to my Kick class, that I haven’t been to in months and months. Hopin’ I can positively get through it!

I think I have a thing w/ pressure and deadlines….I procrastinate until I absolutely have to..and then of course put the pressure on myself to have to now get the task *whatever that may be* done in a short amount of time. Though, perhaps I work better that way? I don’t know.

All I know now is I have less than 3 weeks until attending friend’s wedding…and need to slim down at least a bit to fit into the dress I bought for it….So, we shall see who wins….me and the dress or my laziness and still feelin’ ugh about myself. haha.

I biked on the recumbant bike (while reading my new favorite love of a book…Twilight) for an hour (65 mins. to be exact which includes the cool down).

I was so proud of myself, though after I got off the machine, felt my legs were made of jelly!

I didn’t end up eating dinner until perhaps an hour? after I got home from the gym, thus I felt very nauseous when I finally did sit down to eat. I also think it’s because I haven’t worked out for that long in a while….

Anyway, proud of myself that I went to the gym and got in a fairly decent workout.

Last night, I finally got to the gym…1st time in 2 months..as I’ve said.

I just decided the treadmill was a good place to start and so did that for about 35 mins. (that includes warm up / cool down).

It may take me a few more days or another week, but I hope to ease right back into things as I had been (adding cardio in with weights).

I’ve been wayyyy off track about 2 months now. I can feel my body in much worse shape and don’t want to feel so ‘Fatty Bumbleladdie’ and know that I need to get back on track!

I hate my ‘roller coaster’ nightmare of this weight loss/fitness journey, but it’s the way things are right now and I just have to face up to it.  I can’t blame anyone else for my weight gain or anything else. 

I will put one foot in front of the other and just keep going from this point.  I don’t want to focus on a certain number or anything that definitative, because it only seems to put undue pressure on me to look or be a certain way.  I know I want to be more fit and to feel like a million bucks in my own skin….so I have to just keep on pushing forward!

I find that I’ve given myself tons of specific goals in the past and that still doesn’t seem to work. I’ve asked that people help me along and that doesn’t always seem to work either. I mean, it’s very helpful when I’m in a good place, but when I’m not….nothing really seems to help.  I just have to start with me.

So…that’s what I am going to do.

If I give in to my cravings, it’s my own fault.

Given this summer, I get my lunch made for me by my stepdad every day…it’s always something different. I don’t want to hinder what gets made and what doesn’t….it’s more about me keeping ‘portion size’ in check and what I eat the rest of the time and what I drink.

So..that’s it for now. I’ve repeated myself enough already. haha.

P.S.

I also feel I’ve let a lot of people down (in real life…my b/f….family even…) and even those people on sites like this one….

It’s a shameful feeling too. Gotta get outta this funk! :/

Today I feel wiped out. I was okay until about a few minutes ago when my eyes started burnin’! I am sitting in front of a computer screen…which I’ll have to stay at until 5pm tonight! Yep, got an 8-5 job as Admin. Asst. where I pretty much sit alllll day.

Over the holiday I have to say, I didn’t do well…I drank, ate and slept in some. I went to a weekend long car show (Summer Nationals. ) and did get in some walking, so that’s good. Also, having t.o.t.m. over the weekend didn’t exactly help either. So, I am sure I’ve gained plenty of weight, despite some of the walking I did.

I am going to recoup today and head to gym tomorrow and pick back up where I left off. Gotta get back on track! 

So, I get back from CA…and New Englad is stillll full of rain! Yuck! Come on sun!

I thoroughly enjoyed my time in CA, just wish it was longer! The weather was pretty nice, got a bit of a burn/tan..haha. I didn’t eat/drink/sleep as I should’ve…but it was worth it! Visiting w. my Dad (and Aunt) was priceless!

So, now I’m back at work, but not quite ready to start back up w/ things just yet, I think I need to catch up more with my sleep. Though, looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

I finally hit the gym last night.

While I still had to improvize on some of the moves (lack of equipment/ease of using equipment b/c the gym was pretty busy last night), I did some back/calves and the abs with ~15 mins. on the treadmill after.

I won’t be able to hit the gym officially until next week, since I’ve got lots of things to do before I leave for my CA trip at 2am (acck!) Friday ~ though while I’m out there I plan to do some walking on the beach and bringing my sneaks and wrkout outfit to get in some exercise.

Yeah, still gonna be pale n’ all…chickened out on the spray tanning and too chicken to keep up w. the self tanner…err…aw well.