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I’m tired of my belly pooch. It’s not horrible, but I think part of it is laziness on my part. I need to suck in my stomach all the time, so I thought of this as something to remind me–tie a ribbon or something around my waist tightly (but not cutting me tight) to remind me to hold it in. All I could find in my office were an old pair of earbud headphones, so around the waist they went. So far so good. I’m sitting up straight and pulling in my belly. Let’s see how long I can keep this up. Somethings gotta give!

Is drinking protein shakes all day bad? I don’t feel like eating. Maybe it’s the heat.

This is going to sound totally fuc*ed up but I don’t have any female role models at the gym. There are plenty of women there who are skinnier than me, but I don’t consider them role models because while they are skinny they don’t look like I want to look…ripped and muscular with feminine contours. There are plenty of women at the gym whom I am now leaner (they look about the same as they did when I started 70 or whatever pounds ago). They are hardcore on the cardio. I don’t see them lifting many weights though and they do classes (aerobics, which probably do have some sort of weight component). None of these women are pumping much iron though. The people with the best bodies at my gym…I hate to say it…are the men. Some of them are a mess of course (and I say mess with love as I was a damn mess when I started there too), but the leanest, tightest, muscley-est, bodies at Diamond are dudes. Honestly the best ones are rare there–those really ripped ones, but there are plenty of guys who look fine. No gut. No junk in the trunk. No flab. Not bulging with muscles, but pretty lean and tight. Since I want to be lean and tight…as I said, if I can’t flex it, I don’t need it…I have to look up to these dudes. In some ways I see my former trainer as my physical ideal, not so much how he is now although he’s fine too, but two things on him I want…one from when he was competing (he has a video of him before a show back in the day where he contracted his serratus muscles)

It’s the muscles to the side of the upper abs and pectoralis (chest) kind of serrated (cut up) looking in this picture…man that was so SICK in that video. I was impressed! He also has good "wheels" (legs) like he can shake out his quads and they are just sitting there all meaty. So I want sick serratus (0% bodfat! hello?) and nice meaty quads (which I already sort of have…my legs are big and muscular, just got a band of fat around the top part that obscures them still). I have to use a man or men in my gym as physical role models, because there are no women for me to look up to in terms of ripped muscularity (natural female bodybuilding style). There is only one woman who is a bodybuilder at the gym (that I know of) and her physique is quite impressive, but not what I’m going for…she is more like the pro bb physique, which is larger than I want. So for now it’s the dudes. Maybe the universe will deliver a few hardcore women for me to bond with soon. Come on universe! I know you can do it. I need some females at the gym.

My dear friend is hosting a cookout. I said I wasn’t available on the 18th because I’ll be at a bodybuilding show. She asked if I was competing. I’m still laughing. Sweetheart!

If I can’t flex it, I don’t need it. Yesterday I did a body review video, similar to the one I did back in November 2008. I still have jiggly parts and I came to the conclusion, if I can’t flex it, I don’t need it (other than internal organs I suppose). What is the point of these loose and jiggly parts? I am glad to say that my fat is now like a candy coating encasing me as opposed to a bulgy wobbly bubble, so there has definately been improvement, but there’s more to do. Damn it! Breathe Alissa. Breathe. Whew. Patience, time, hard work, dedication to a goal (having a goal first), will get me there. May be a while, but may not. Let’s do this.