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I feel muscle-y today. I just flexed a bicep and shook out my quads and they are both muscle-y and less flab-y. Yay. That’s it. My jiggle is a bit less today. Yay.

I feel muscle-y today. I just flexed a bicep and shook out my quads and they are both muscle-y and less flab-y. Yay. That’s it.

I would say that I live in a couple of different worlds…the two I’ll talk about here are work and the gym. At work, where I drop into the office from time to time I hear "Every time I see you you’re skinnier." "Wow! Look at your thighs/abs/arms! Can I touch your muscle? I can really see that you’re really working out."

At the gym I also get some of that "You’re leaning out nicely." "You’re getting tight." etc. But I also get "Your skin is a little loose." and "You’re looking bloated" (those may be coming from inside my own head somewhat though).

At work they say "You’re not going to lose more weight are you?" Ummm, yes!

At they gym I hear "It will be at least a year before you get the rest of your fat off."

When I’m at work or on Facebook (my other job) people want to know what I’m doing to have made such great progress.

At they gym they want to know what I’m eating that’s getting in the way of my progress. There is some peer pressure around food there.

I guess it is really just the different perspectives on what is possible, what your supposed goals are, what you should be striving for. My mind is more on the gym side of things (negative? no, just setting ever higher standards). Maybe it is why I can’t get my head around am I still big or am I small.

When I look at pictures of me I see myself as much smaller than I have ever been before, but when I look in the mirror I see the fat on my belly and butt that I want to GO! Hmmm.

Was at the Monique show last night with hubs for our 6th anniversary (thank you). Was a fabulous show. She is beautiful and performs such real heartfelt comedy we laughed the whole time. The audience was really with her.

The interesting thing about Monique relevant to this blog obviously is her weight and the weight of those in the audience. There were many many fat, obese, and morbidly obese people there, men and women. Since I was obese not even 18 months ago, of course I can relate to these folks.

I want to reach out to them so badly…but what can I do? What can I do? What?! I have little cards printed up advertising my coaching business, with a picture of my belly now in my oldest jeans…ones that were tight when I began this. I want to scream out…”You don’t have to be Fat!” You don’t have to be, you don’t! You don’t! I brought a little stack of cards with me to the show and since we had good seats I was going to give one to Monique if she pointed me out–but fortunatly she doesn’t do that kind of comedy. My husband was looking around and said “Give a card to these ladies over there. They could use your support.” I didn’t do it. I mean how am I, an ostensibly not fat chick anymore, going to approach someone about their fat? How would I have felt if some skinny bitch came up to me when I was big and said “You don’t have to be fat!”? Bitch please! There could have been a fight or hurt feelings or something.

I am really having a tough time figuring out how to talk to my people about this. How do you touch on something so sensitive, to strangers? I don’t have a “fat chicks membership club card” to show people I’m coming from where they are now. I know. I know what it’s like. I know!

I haven’t figured it out. I guess I will just continue to be the change I want to see in the world until then.

Cheers!
Alissa

It’s weird. All the drama I used to have around this diet and fitness stuff seems to have disappeared. What’s up with that? I still make mistakes, but I don’t get riled up like I did. I feel like I know what to do and have seen it work so I’m convinced, but I just don’t maintain a super regimented life like the people I consider real bodybuilders. I am a bodybuilder, just bodybuilding lite I guess.

Bodybuilding lite. What a concept. I guess bodybuilding for real people whatever that means…nothing because the people I know who do it are real people too…just more focused than normal folks. I think my work for this is to hone that regimentation and focus.

I should spend some more time on my visualization of just what I am working to build. I see these lean and muscular chicks…in magazines and online (I need to see some in person…gotta go to some shows) and they seem ideal. I am familiar with how hard they work for it (from reading and experience) and what they sacrifice to get it, but I’m not there yet. I recognize it.

I make more good than bad choices and continue to creep toward my goals, but I’m not racing toward it as I *think* and *say* that I want.

There is a show in October that I’m *supposed* to be secretly preparing for…maybe it’s still a secret from myself. I have to do the diet, keep on the lifting with or without D, and cardio. The sh*t ain’t a mystery.

Room for improvement in: diet consistency (carb cycle for real) and prep meals the day before–I need to know/plan what I will eat the next day, lift 4 days a week, and 2 a day cardio, adequate sleep, gallon of water at least a day, and regular supplements. That’s it.

Alissa, The REAL Fitness Diva
www.size10chronicles.com

Today was so interesting…well not really I guess, but sort of…to me anyway. Let me explain. I was scheduled to train yesterday with my trainer, but he had staffing issues and had to cancel. He rescheduled me for today at 2 pm and said he would confirm. He didn’t, so I texted him to confirm. Unfortunately no, he forgot about a show and later work at the desk, so my training was out. But I thought about it and of course I wanted to lift anyway, so I decided to do my own. It always ends up being a good thing when he cancels and I have to do my own thing honestly. I love the empowerment of it all. I sent out a Tweet about it earlier when i wrote, "One monkey don’t stop the show." and "I had been putting "trainer’s name" in Outlook to designate that I had to train, but I changed it to "Train at Diamond". Mefocus. Refocus."  Anyway, I got a lot of good work done on a project for work that has been trying to kill me for a while. I have one more chapter to revise and then I’m done (I pray). My husband and son went out for a haircut (fyi–i’m staying) while I worked so the house was quiet. My dad has been needing help but hasn’t been demanding. He knew I would get to him as soon as I could, and I did. I felt great getting the work done right by 4pm when the hubs and son came home. Dad needed to go to the bank so he went out (we share a car). The gym closes at 6pm on Saturday so I figured I had time. I waited and waited and waited…an hour and 5 minutes for my dad to return. I was FRUSTRATED and acted like a big baby, but I wanted to LIFT. Damnit! I pouted and tried to do a half assed band workout while I waited, but I gave up.  I had been so good and written out a glute workout I wanted to do–barbell squats x4, walking lunges with dumbells x3, reverse leg press x4, hip adductor x3, and hip extension x3 to finish it off. I wanted to hit glutes hard! As time ticked off the anticipated exercises shrunk. I got down to squats, presses, and something else of choice. I tried not to fling my dad out of the car when he got back, but wasn’t nice about it (I hate when I get bitchy…especially with him, but I was in a bad mood). I sped gently over to Diamond and warmed up briefly. I ran down and asked Dwayne how much weight I could squat. He said 35 (on each side) was the max I should do by myself. I went to the cage, but someone was in there, so I went to the leg press and knocked out 4 sets. Then the cage was free and I did my squats. Ass to calves! Felt good and I could really feel the mind muscle connection I wanted. I went deep and that was good. I didn’t do lunges, but I did bench step ups with dumbells instead. I finished it off with some calf raises and it was 5 minutes to 6pm at that point so I just called it a day. I’m going first thing in the morning tomorrow to get my thing in before everyone else comes in and gets in the way. I was pissed still when I got home, but I did notice that I wasn’t mad while I was lifting…I was just lifting…and that’s why I LOVE it!  I ate and cleaned up after my dad a bit and got more annoyed, but the son and hubs and i are going out on the town in Jersey City. Gotta go get ready.  Cheers!

Last night I was at the gym and I got a great compliment, "You’re looking tighter." Which in bodybuilding speak means my muscles are showing through my fat more…or maybe my fat is reducing over my muscles. Either way…same result I guess…I’m looking better. I guess no one has seen my muscles in a while because I’m usually all covered up with hoodies and such, but it is getting on summer here are way too hot (I’m probably too wimpy) to wear hoodies. Maybe I can look for some lightweight ones. I’ll probably just transition to baggy ass T shirts.  I don’t mind wearing long sleeve baggy ts with my leggings. Last night I just wore my new Nike workout tank (thanks Sports Authority clearance!) and capri tights and my new Asics (thanks Sports Authority sale!) so I guess my muscles were more visible.

Strangely enough my trainer told me today however that it looked that my skin was starting to sag (whlie poking my arm fat) and that I need to eat more. What could that mean? I don’t know, but I will do it. Eat more proten and vegetables…bigger amounts. I used to eat a lot when I first started on this regime so maybe it’s time to go back. It’s true my calories do dip down too low sometimes..weird eh, from a former fat girl…I never had that problem before, but now it happens from time to time. I look forward to eating more. I probably also need to get better about getting a meal in right when I wake up not like 2 hours later. Usually I do, but sometimes, I’m too busy working out or wrangling my kid and husband in the morning to get it all done. I found this link to my google query about “sagging skin and not eating enough", basically lose weight slowly, eat nutrious foods, stay hydrated…all of which I do, so who knows? And I don’t think I’m losing muscle. I may ask him tomorrow if I get very curious.

Today we worked out back and biceps. Felt good. We did these bench pullovers…I’m lying with my upper back across a flat bench, feet on the floor, butt down as far as possible, arms overhead, 25 pound dumbell held flat between my two hands…behind the head and pull overhead. Repeat. Tuck chin…no let you head fall back. Either way my neck was killing me, but at least I repped it out without hitting myself in the head with the weight this time! I got a "Much better set than last time." from Dwayne. Woo! Toward the end of the workout–ABS–I was getting a LOT of instruction. I got annoyed a bit, "If I’m annoying you, you can leave!" That was my cue…I was OUT! Usually that threat comes at the beginning of the session and who want’s to not train so usually it’s a cowering "No, I want to train.", but since this was at the end of the workout…haha…I was outie 5000! I actually just went upstairs and did stairmaster and then back down to finish off my own abs. Went home and ate 2 burger patties and a cucumber with salad dressing. YUM!

I laid out in my yard today in my black bikini. I got props on the bikini from the husband, dad, neighbor! Later I dropped into my favorite store, Target! and was checking out my butt in the mirror and was surprised to see my thighs didn’t look too huge. Lately I’ve been thinking "My legs are HUGE", but at the same time "Maybe I’m in proportion". Maybe "I’m in proportion" won today.

Although someone at my gym said that my body is getting "tighter" yesterday, my trainer said that my skin is sagging a bit (while poking my arm fat) and that I need to eat more. "Another meal and a few more calories in each meal". What could this mean? Thanks!

The shoot turned out great! Check out the candids my friend took on my flickr stream.

So I’m doing a photo shoot for Health magazine in a couple of days. The article is not really about me, but features me with 3 other women establishing our cardiovascular risk. It should come out in the September 2009 issue and YOU KNOW I will be telling you all about it when it does. I hope the pictures come out good. I’m nervous I must admit, but I need to get over it. I’m reading this book called How to stop worry and start living and one of the chapters says: 1. imagine the worst (the pictures make me look like a fat troll), 2. accept it (ok. nothing I can do about it, I look like what I look like), and 3. think about what you can do about it (keep my diet as clean as possible, get hair ready (check), bring clothes (ok, I have to bring my own shoes as I wear an 11 and they are not supplying that and SMILE!). Nothing else to be done.  Although I am working on getting over it, I have been having some anxiety over this…former fat girl residue…"will their clothes fit my huge legs and ass?", "will I be the biggest one there?" (probably, but also probably the most muscular too), "will I look cute or ugly?" (you’re usually not too ugly in pictures and I am sure they will not want you looking ugly in their magazine, especially since they’re filming the 4 of us together…why would they?). OK…i’m letting it go. it is so exciting I should be reveling in that! hair and make up. styling! woo! and i’ll be in a magazine! Health magazine! Yay! it’s so cool, I’m thrilled! Whew…I’m feeling a bit better!  Love Alissa!