www.size10chronicles.com

I couldn’t see it. Was blind but now I see, as they say…what praytell couldn’t you see Alissa? I couldn’t see a nonfat me. I can see and am familiar with a smaller, less fat me, but the nonfat me escaped me for a long time, really until the last week or so.

I’m changing, my mind and my resolve are evolving, my second transformation has evidently begun. I have thoughts like, what is the point of overeating? What will I get out of cheating on my diet? These are new thoughts. I have never had them before. Hmmmmm. Overeating and cheating on the diet WERE meaningful to me in the past. I got something out of doing it…comfort? Rebellion? Pleasure? Something. But not really anymore…I’m not going to bother saying I’ll never overeat or slip off the program again because that is a total lie…and impossible. I’m human, which means to me, I make mistakes. I expect them to continue as long as i continue to breathe here on earth.

So now, as my brain and comprehension of my transforming body evolve I can see things about myself that I couldn’t see before. I can see myself without the fat…at least I can see glimpses of it…a slim calf pops into my mind’s eye…and it’s mine. A sparkly candy apple red competition suit, all rhinestoned up…and that’s my tiny butt in it…my butt! Slim thigh and separate butt…mine. I catch glimpses if this in my mind.

I can see and feel the actual changes that have come about so far. I lean over to get something out of a drawer and I feel the hollow that is forming at my waistline. I am sitting on the side of the tub putting on lotion after my shower and I see a hollow at the side of my bent knee instead of a bulge. I look at my hands and see veins sitting out right under the skin…they were hidden below the fat before. Collar bones and cheeks. One chin, not two. Framework of my foot. All coming into view…amazingly, curiously, wonderfully. What a blessing. A miracle I created.

Alissa, The REAL Fitness Diva
www.size10chronicles.com

As a “former” (???) fat person I still carry the traits…especially when life goes unscripted. Tonight for instance. Today is very low carb day because I am not training today. I packed my food for the day and knew ahead of time just what i would eat and when. That worked well until 5pm when I went to a Harvard alumni mixer at the NYC Harvard club. I figured there would be food there. Wrong. There were chips, peanuts and pretzels (in nice bowls and a woodpaneled room, of course) Since i’m off wheat the pretzels were out. I ate like ten small chips and about 6 peanuts and had a peligrino. For two hours of hardcore networking. My last meal was at about 3:30 celery sticks and peanut butter. Thank God I brought that PB to work today! At 7:45 once I had walked back down to 33rd st from 44th and over from 5th to 7th I was danged hungry. I walked into Penn station and headed for the pizza stand. Damn it, i was underfed and I DESERVED SOMETHING HEARTY! And no I wasn’t eating any damned salad, despite wearing my mink, I was cold on top of being hungry! Pizza would hit the spot and warm me up too. Then I thought about the wheat, which I JUST gave up yesterday. And the fat (saturated) and the calories. I turned around and went into GNC and got a vanilla Lean Body shake, got on the train home and drank it. I’m changing.

Alissa, The REAL Fitness Diva
www.size10chronicles.com