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When I was 18 my body image was so distorted I couldn’t have identified myself in a lineup of faceless, naked women.  I had a completely distorted view of my physical self.  I grew up brainy—hence the Ph.D. I carry around behind my name now-a- days—and spent most of my time growing up with my head in a book.  Sure, growing up in California as a little kid I ran around with my friends and biked around our town so I was about as active as anyone, but I wasn’t on any soccer teams (my parents’ divorce and movement to opposite sides of the Bay eliminated that possibility).  I wasn’t fat then, but I was big—taller than the other girls and thick—the thickness just got more pronounced once puberty hit around 11 years old when the boobs and butt entered the picture.  Honestly, I didn’t know what to do with all of that.

Once I got to junior high I did what I was told in gym class but beyond that, nada.  For me life was books…and socializing. I think I did begin to “medicate” myself with food during those years (I didn’t drink or do drugs, but a turkey sandwich with mayo on the way home from school was the ticket).  This continued through high school.  Again, looking back I wasn’t fat, but I sure wasn’t skinny either, but since my direct references were my super tiny girlfriends I felt HUGE. That’s why I wouldn’t have been able to pick myself out faceless and naked at 18—in my own mind I was a giant!  (I was a size 16 at my high school graduation.)

In college I remember talking to a friend of mine who was also worried about her weight and asking her if I was as big as another woman we knew—now I was 5’9’ and about 175—this woman was about the same height but had to weigh close to 300 pounds.  Sounds crazy right? But my question was genuine…I really didn’t know!

In college, like many folks, my weight creeped up, but it really didn’t become a problem until I finished college.  I fell in love during my senior year with a “secret” fat boy…he was thin when we met, but only because the Army had beaten the fat off of him.  We spent our time together in bed eating cheeseburger pizzas from Dominos.  This is the man who taught me you could order mayo on your  cheeseburgers from McDonalds and introduced me to the Old Country Buffet.  Curses!  He was an expert at being fat and I learned his ways quickly!  Five  years and fifty pounds later, we broke-up.  I have lost and regained those 50 pounds 3 times since then.  So now I was the expert on being fat!  Damn!  But I’m on a journey and have taken those 50 pounds off again.  I’m working on the next 45 and will keep sharing that journey with you all.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 14th, 2008 at 9:46 am and is filed under Training. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.