sealim’s BodyBlog

I turn 33 this week. I’ve decided not to compete in the Nationals in May. I am leaning toward never competing again.

What do these two things have to do with each other. Everything. And nothing. It’s been a long, tough week of soul searching, and I do not make my decision lightly. But I do feel a need to explain and justify my decision to my friends and family who have been so supportive of me, both in “real life”, and on BB.com. I feel in a way that I’ve let you all down.

The past two to three weeks, I’ve been swamped by overwhelming feelings of self-loathing. If I screw up my diet, I feel like I’m inadequate and ill-disciplined. If I don’t manage to carry out all the workouts I’ve planned for a particular day (and it was getting up to three sessions per day), I feel like a failure, and a lazy good-for-nothing. If I don’t hit my targets and goals, I feel I’m useless.

And for four days last week, I was so tired, I just couldn’t get out of bed at my usual 0445 hrs to hit the gym before starting work. That also meant I didn’t get up to take our puppy for his morning walk. My husband had to do that instead; he’s also been picking up the slack around the house.

After the fourth day of me not being able to pull my weight, he snapped at me just as I was dragging myself off to the office, “How can you be so irresponsible?”

That really stung, but it also made me realize that I was dropping the ball – and very badly. It made me feel like a bad wife, a bad pet-owner, a bad person – and what’s more, one who was shirking her responsibilities but not getting good results with her training and diet. What a loser.

I realized that I was taking on qualities that I loathed in others – someone who was irresponsible, someone who didn’t pull her weight, someone who promised to do something, but then didn’t.

I used to think if I put my mind to something, I’d always be able to do it. I don’t think I’ve been doing that recently. Perhaps it’s age; at 33 I’m not a spring chicken anymore. Or perhaps my goals are too ambitious. Or perhaps my standards are too high. Or perhaps I’m just weak and useless. It doesn’t matter; all that does matter is that I haven’t been living up to my own expectations and goals, and it’s tearing me apart.

I’m pretty sure that all this self-loathing just isn’t healthy. And I promised myself when I started contest prep that I’d stop if things stopped being fun. I think it’s officially stopped being fun now. I don’t want to make myself any more of a basket case than I already am, so I’m going to stop contest prep, and re-tweak my aims and goals.

I think I have been far too ambitious. Compete? God, what was I thinking? So here they are – my new goals for my 33^rd year:

• A better sense of self-worth; all this self-loathing must stop.
• A good balance between training and dieting, my family life, my job.
• Maintain a relatively high level of muscularity, with a healthy weight and body fat level; but no pressure to do it by xxx date. I’ll get there eventually.
• A high enough level of fitness to do all those fun things with family and friends – a 10 km run, long hikes in the Nature Reserve, runs in the park with the puppy.

There! Isn’t that more realistic?

I want to end this by thanking everyone for their support and encouragement. It’s made a huge difference to me, and I really appreciate it.

I’m getting ready to compete in the Nationals on 10 May 09. At 17 weeks out, I know I’ve got my work out cut out for me.

I’ll post my “17 Weeks Out” photos in the progress pics section. When you see them (prob next week when Week 16 photos come up) don’t worry if you laugh at me for thinking that I can be in respectable shape in 17 weeks’ time. I’m definitely laughing at myself too. What the hell am I *thinking*?

That said, I’m still going to give it my best shot. I’m hoping that by posting photos of myself every week, and keeping close track of my progress, I’ll make a reasonable showing on 10 May, and at least give my competitors a run for their money.

So what are the key stumbling blocks for me? Well there are a few, but the biggest one has to be diet. I definitely enjoy training (yes, even the cardio!). But my nutrition inevitably trips me up. I have the self-control of a… Gosh. I can’t think of anything with worse self-control than myself.

Walking into supermarkets, or gas stations, I can hear the big bags of Ruffles potato chips calling my name. “Come get me Sharon. I live only to be eaten by you and I taste so good. Even if you eat all of me, I’m only 1150 cals.”  Some days I cave in and “rescue” that forlorn bag of chips from the supermarket shelf. The days that I manage to escape empty-handed are the days that I’m proudest of.

I’ve got a bit of a perfectionist streak. If I screw up a little bit on my diet, the rest of the day is a total write-off. I tell myself, “Well you already ate that piece of chocolate cake, so the day’s ruined. Why not just let yourself go today, and get back on track tomorrow?” The day then turns into a gorge-fest (chips, candy, desserts, cheese, peanut butter, oh my). More often than not, the day after that is another binge. And sometimes the day after that. And the day after that. Then I emerge a week later feeling sick, fat, and furious at myself, and resolve to sort myself out. I do OK for 3-4 weeks, and then the cycle starts again.

If I’m going to be ready by 10 May, the “all-or-nothing” concept has got to go! This is especially the case as the Lunar New Year is coming up at the end of January. Here in Singapore, the Lunar New Year is celebrated with copious amounts of food (and all of the bad-for-you variety). It’s like Thanksgiving – but possibly worse since it’s celebrated over 15 days; and no one serves lean turkey breast!

Let’s be realistic. There’s no way I’ll get away with not having one or two cookies or tarts. Well-meaning relatives who ply me with food get their way all the time. I’m well-aware that I’ll have to make sure that I don’t take on the mindset that the one cookie has ruined the day for me. Otherwise I’ll be binging for all 15 days of the festival.

I think it’s good that I’m at least aware of some of the “blocks”. Hopefully forewarned is forearmed!

My goal this week: train with maximum intensity and eat well all week. I’ll post photos again on 17 Jan 09.

Like many children, I grew up watching Sesame Street. I swear it was the voice of that Count guy that I heard last night when I finally managed to do one wide-grip chin up. No assist, no jumping. Just one pull up from a dead hang. And as I watched myself pull my body up, I swear I heard thunder, and the Count intone in that odd accent, "One, ah ha ha ha ha!" (For those who’ve watched Sesame Street, you probably know what I’m talking about. For those who don’t, you probably think I’m mad. You might be right.)

I can’t begin to describe the elation that I felt after that one chin up. It’s been a dream of mine for forever to be able to do a chin on my own steam. And to finally be able to do one - just when I least expected it! It was totally unexpected of course since I’ve been training back consistently for months and months, but never even thought to try to do a chin. In fact, yesterday was leg day, and I only tried to do a chin between sets on a whim.

Oh the JOY of success!!!! I wanted so much to jump about the gym but was too embarrassed to. Instead I had to be content with quietly hopping about from foot to foot, and grinning from ear-to-ear, like an excited little kid with a pile Christmas presents to open.

Coincidentally, today was back day, and I decided to give those chins another try… because… what if last night was a fluke? (The horror, the horror!!!!) And you know what? I found that I could do, not one, not two, but *three*. (Cue lightning and thunder, and the voice-over, "Three, ah ha ha ha ha ha!")

OK OK, it was three on the first set, two on the next two sets, and by the time I reached the fifth set, it was a pitiful half a chin-up. But still, considering that I’ve never been able to do one, I’d say even half a chin-up is progress!

This time, I really did jump about the gym in happiness, although I was all ready to say that I was practicing plyometrics if anyone looked at me funny. Fortunately, I train at 6 am in the morning, and today being a Saturday, there weren’t many people about to watch me humiliate myself.

But now that I’ve finally been able to overcome that mental barrier, and that negative little voice in my head that kept saying that my ass is just too big and heavy and that I’d never be able to do a chin up on my own, I hope to be able to keep progressing.

I’m aiming for a set of five chins in a row, and then I’ll progress to ten chins in a row. (In case you’re wondering why I’m capping it at ten, it’s because I’ve never heard that Count guy count any higher than ten. Don’t believe me? You’re probably wise, because I just made that up. Heh.) But really. I can’t wait to hear that thunder and voice in my head saying "Ten, ah ha ha ha ha."

I’m writing this with rather mixed feelings. I’m still feeling a bit frustrated with my gym’s management after the fiasco that I blogged about in my earlier post ("Frustrated"). So after I sent off a stinker of an email to the gym management about members having had to wait for an hour for the gym to open, I got a call back from the GM of the gym. (I had asked in my email to be contacted ASAP and to be given assurances that such an incident would not happen again.)

 The GM was appropriately apologetic, and I was conciliatory, and said merely that I hoped that something like this would not happen again. What the GM said in response almost made me fall off my chair. "Oh I’m sorry, but I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again."

What??? I was flabbergasted and speechless. I could only say, "Thank you for calling." I hate it when I’m left tongue-tied, but I suck at quick comebacks. After I’d hung up, I thought to myself, I should have said something like, "What kind of gym is this? And if the GM can’t give me a guarantee, who can?" But I didn’t.

A couple days after this call, I was training with a colleague at the same gym. He and I are at different levels in our fitness journey, and most of the time, I spot him but don’t alternate doing sets with him. I got upset again when he and I got pulled off the gym floor and berated for doing what we were doing.

I was apparently a "freelance trainer" who was taking business away from the personal trainers in the gym. What’s more I was making other members unhappy. (I wanted to ask, "in what way", but again, was too tongue-tied.) But gosh. Little innocent me doing all that? In any case, they told us to cease and desist, so that really screwed up my colleague’s workout, and left me fuming. My husband thinks that it’s the gym’s right to impose whatever conditions it wants (including dictate the way my colleague and I train together). But from my perspective, we’re just two gym members working out together - and we’ve *paid* for the privilege of using the facilities in whatever way we want.

I’ve half a mind to go to a different gym, even though this one’s the most convenient for work. But really that would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face. I’m trying of course not to let these little things bother me, but I’m struggling a bit. I tell myself - well at least the equipment’s adequate, the showers are hot, blah blah blah. Right now, it’s not nearly enough to make me feel less frustrated, but maybe in a couple of days…

On a happier note however, I seem to be making good progress with my goals, and my diet and training have been on track. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to get the old me back! I tried on my skinny jeans last night, and I couldn’t get them past my hips still… but they are *higher up* on my hips now!  

I met another gym member who trains in the early morning in the elevator earlier today, and he asked what motivated me to train so hard and often, and I said out loud to a stranger (for the very first time this year) that I was aiming to compete again. It felt really good to say it.  

I hadn’t wanted the first post on my BodyBlog to be so negative, but I really feel the need to vent! ARGHHHH!!!!

So I turned up this morning at the gym (for readers in Singapore, that’s Planet Fitness Suntec City) at my usual 6 a.m., and was surprised to see about 10 members (the usual suspects) standing right outside the gym doors. The gym’s supposed to be open at 6 a.m., so we all thought - all right, maybe whoever it is who’s supposed to open the door’s a couple of minutes late. No biggie.

Five minutes turned to 10, and then to 15, and then to 30. In the end, we waited for an hour.

One poor member said, "I’ve got to be at work in a couple of minutes, but all my work clothes are in my gym locker! I can’t turn up in running shorts!" (I think he was a banker.) Other irate members rang other branches of the chain to say that the gym wasn’t open, and no one was in the club, and were asked to leave their name and number. The next thing we knew, we heard the phone in the club ringing. It would have been funny, if I hadn’t been so cheesed off. Didn’t they believe us? Did they think we were ringing them at six in the morning for a laugh?

I know it’s no big deal in the large scheme of things. Everywhere there are people having much bigger problems than not having a gym open on time. But I guess the reason why I’m so frustrated was that I had dragged myself out of bed today to work out, despite some godawful cramps. I had psyched myself up to work out. When at last we managed to get into the gym, I only had time to squeeze in 30 mins of cardio and a shower before I had to head into the office. (I had planned on doing chest and back…)

So when I got to the office, I fired off a scathing email… only to have it bounce back. ARGHHHHHH!!!! My email’s probably found it’s way to the right person now, but that was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.