scouter99 transformed

I have been coming here for the last 2 weeks now to write a post about how much I currently dislike hate my body.  I keep starting and then erasing because I really really don’t want to be one of THOSE people who just bitches and whines about something that supposedly is completely within my control to, well, control.  But I just can’t get over this and then it occurred to me, that I can still post about these horrible feelings I have toward my perfectly good, extremely functional body under the guise of asking a rhetorical question.  That being- how the heck do you pull off bitching without sounding like a whiney baby?

Ok- now that I’ve asked the question… here is my bitch.

I carry all my fat in the mid section of my body.  No matter how much I transform the rest of me… this part of me stays fat!  I have gone down in clothing sizes, my muscle has become visible to the naked eye in my arms and legs, but still, I house rolls of blubber around my middle.  Now- I know this is largly a problem of diet.  I just can’t seem to get it right and frankly- it is making me want to give myself a fat-ectomy with a very sharp knife and call it good.  

I am super motivated when it comes to working out.  Hell- if that’s all it took I’d be one rock hard mofo… I just really hate that it is this hard for me to lose my stomach fat.  I am really trying hard with diet and am logging my food… but I am so hungry all the time!!  I just can’t eat less than about 2200 calories without feeling like I am digesting myself from the inside out.  I have determined that one of my migraine triggers is letting myself get too hungry or going too long without food.  This poses a problem bigger than my mid-section.  I live in terror of migraines so therefore, I try to make sure I always control THAT trigger (there are others I haven’t figured out)!  But that means, then, that dieting in the traditional sense doesn’t work for me…. I simply can’t just tough out the hunger… plus… I don’t know what my wiggle room is on this so therefore if I start to feel shakey, weak, stomach pangy- I rush to eat something just in case!!

I pack my food every day.  I make sure to eat every 2-3 hours (honestly I can rarely make it to 2 hours without being ravenous) and really focus on portion sizes (so I’m not eating 6 king size meals, a problem for me in the past).  I am trying to limit starchy carbs and focus on lean protein and lots of veggies.  What am I missing here?  How the hell can I pull this off?  I have put on so much muscle at this point that carrying around extra fat is making me look huge… and not in a good way.  

So- what that whiney?  If you feel I need an ass kicking- give it to me.  If you have any helpful tips on how I can overcome this extreme hunger problem- I’m all ears.   I simply cannot focus on anything else right now.  This body hatred is beating me down.

I wrote this many many months ago…. and thought I would share it here again because inspiration isn’t always so easy to find…..

Cold steel on a silent morning
Tired muscles still cold with sleep
Slipping the gloves on calloused hands
This early hour, a sacred time I keep

In the pre-dawn of morning I’m all alone
The dedicated and driven machine
The face in the mirror that stares back at me
Fueled by impassioned desire and caffeine

The bulge of my muscles the smell of my sweat
The squeak and the clank of the metal
The pleasure, the pain, both one and the same
Less than 100% effort I’ll never settle

The minutes and hours fly by in a blur
No one can touch me now
Pushing my body to new realms of pain
Still wanting more- to it I’ll never bow

Drive and determination- an unfailing will
To be the best I can be
Today I beat the iron machine
The winner of this round- is me.

Disclaimer: this is gonna get mushy and isn’t about bodybuilding in the way I usually write….. so be warned!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how fragile and short life is.  My Mom died last July 17.  Her birthday would have been this coming Sunday- she’d be 68 years old.  I miss her every single day.  I also think about how easily I could lose someone I love every single day since I lost her.  Since she died I have become very focused on making the most of my life and surrounding myself with only the best people.  People who are actually living life.  People who make a commitment to be better today then they were yesterday.  People who show love and have positive energy (most of the time!!).  People who give more than they take.  And I make damn sure I am one of those people, too.  Along with that I’ve been thinking about how people give and show support and the different levels of support that are out there.

Then, last weekend my fiancée Chad and I had a conversation where the phrase “biggest fan” came up.  I think that phrase can be used rather loosely, so I started thinking about what that means to me even more.  I guess it would help if I defined “biggest fan”.  See, celebrities will often have people who claim to be their “biggest fans”.  I’m sure some of the highest profile people here on bb.com have some “biggest fans” who check out their profiles everyday, write comments to them regularly, etc.  That is not at all what I am talking about here.  

No- the “biggest fans” I am talking about are people who support you with love and encouragement because they totally want to.  There is no “have to” or “should” about it- they are on your team just because you are you.  They show up to support you, encourage you when you need it and push you when you need that.  When you are up- they are there.  When you are down- they are there.  When you are self-sabotaging, self-hating, feeling-sorry-for-yourself-because-you-suck- they are there.  When you look like someone put you together using second hand spare parts- they are there, and when you look like a million bucks (and maybe even better then they do!)- they are there.  

In addition to that there is a give and take to the relationship.  Someone can only qualify to be your biggest fan if they get something back from you- a two way street type of relationship.  It is easy to admire someone from afar, but much harder to be a consistent fan of someone who sometimes gets crabby and sometimes has bad breath or who may not always say or do the right things.  Sure some people have lots of ‘friends’ and ‘fans’ on this site, but I just don’t think someone can qualify as your biggest fan in the way I define it unless they really know the true you, inside and out, good, bad and ugly.  

Why do I ask this?  Because ever since our conversation I have really been thinking about how much he has changed my life by being my biggest fan!  I never realized how important it was to have someone like this in my life, until I found him.

So today I want you to think about who your true biggest fans are, and thank them.  We could all use a little extra wind in our sails…. And the people who provide that wind should know how much that means to you every single day.

As for me, I want to say thank you to MY biggest fan!  I want to publicly acknowledge how far I’ve come because of the extra push your wind has exerted on my sails!!  I love you more than everything, baby.  Even more today than yesterday, and I hope that I can learn to be as good a “biggest fan” as you are!

My friend Bryan Gee asked me the other day how my contest prep is going.  Hmmmmm- how is it going?  I’m not sure how to answer that.  I am so far out from it that I feel as though I am losing focus somewhat.  Not with the training- oh heavens no!!  Never with the training.  I love to train- love to lift, and actually, love certain types of cardio.  So that’s not a problem.

Eating- well- me and food, we have a long and very dysfunctional relationship.  It has become less dysfunctional and more functional over the last year or so- but I still battle with it on a daily basis.  I love to eat.  I love to cook.  And by cooking I mean COOKING!!  Lots of ingredients, fun stuff.  Sure I cook pretty healthy- but I still go overboard a little too much.  This is really going to have to change in order to compete.

My other brick wall is thinking about going a whole summer in contest prep eating mode.  No gin and tonics on the patio, no beers at the bbq (and no bbq at the bbq!), no fun summer gathering food.  No festivals (like rib fest, state fair food, etc).  I’m not sure I want to do that, quite honestly.  Maybe a spring competition is better for me.  I would rather eat for contest prep over the holidays then do it over the summer.  Seriously!  Summers in Minnesota are SO short- it seems such a shame not to be able to enjoy it fully!  So I am really struggling with that.

And quite honestly- I wonder a lot if I can be ready muscularly by October.  I have been looking at photos of competitors and then looking at myself.  All I can think is that my muscle isn’t mature enough.  Sure I am built- and have more muscle than any woman I know in real life (except Ms. Minnesota, but she is the only bodybuilder I know IRL).  But- it is pretty new muscle  I’ve only been building like this for about a year now… I can see a lot of places where I can use some more time.  

Also- financially I am in a bit of a straits right now.  I’m really honestly not sure I can afford to compete at this time.  Three kids and no support from daddy makes things kind of tough.  Plus- I don’t believe my job is all that secure so spending money on competition when emergency savings is where it needs to be weighs on my mind (add to it that I am going to have to move come fall, early winter, and that adds to the pain).  I’ve built up a pretty good emergency fund-which is where the money to compete would have to come from.  I can’t in any way spin it that competition is an emergency- can you?

So, I don’t know.  I am really full of doubts about all this right now, and have lots of excuses as I’ve demonstrated in this post (man I hate excuses!!).  I’m continuing to lift like a maniac and have added cardio back into my life after a bit of a bulk period.  I am not going to throw it all to the wind just yet but am really considering my timing and whether it is just a little off.  

I’ll keep you updated!  Competing is DEFINITELY in my future!!  That will not change.  It’s just when that is the question.

I love blogs.  Here on bb.com blogs are where I go for inspiration.  Blogs are where I go to get my head right, to get back in the game, to get back on track.  To feel something when I am looking to feel something.  I am amazed at the talent we have here in our walls and here in our blogs.  

Today I read something by my friend Adina (well- she is a bb.com “friend”, though from reading her blogs I think she would a friend IRL too if we ever met) on broken hearts.  See, she compared the heart muscle to the muscles we work in the gym.  Through the process of breaking them down and making them hurt we become stronger.  I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but you know, I think she’s right!

How many of us have suffered a broken heart?  I should see 100% of you raising your hands or nodding your heads right now.  Of course we all have, in one way or another.  Maybe you are the one who has always done the breaking up, but often our hearts get broken somehow before the break up- and that leads us to leave the relationship.  Maybe you have lost a friendship over the years that caused your heart to hurt.  Maybe you have suffered from an unrequited love that ripped your heart up a little bit.  Maybe someone very close to you passed away, breaking your heart into a million little pieces that you thought for sure would never ever heal.  Whatever the circumstance all of us have suffered pain in our hearts at some point.  The question is- how many of us feel as though we are stronger for having suffered?  If you don’t- why not?

Do you feel as though your muscles are stronger because of the pain you put them through?  Have you ever gone into a workout with a sadistic type of glee at the “punishment” you are about to unleash upon your muscles?  Do you study every twinge and tweak for the next 2 days hoping to catch a little (or alot if you are really cool) of those sometimes elusive DOMS after an intense workout, even feeling gypped if you don’t experience them?  Of course you have!!

Some of you may be wondering right now what all this has to do with bodybuilding.  Stick with me a bit longer.  

See- so many of us are afraid of getting our hearts broken and feeling the subsequent pain that we don’t put ourselves out there and take chances.  This can be in anything that involves the heart, but I am thinking pretty specifically about how this applies to fitness.  Let me give you an example.  I am going to be competing in bodybuilding for the first time in October.  I am totally taking the chance of having my heart broken and failing.  Each week I have to recommit myself to this goal.  Each week I have to talk myself down from the ledge of uncertainty.  Even as I write this I feel twinges of anxiety over whether or not I have it in me to do this- especially since I’ve run my mouth about it to everyone I know and therefore opened myself up to the possibility of public heartbreak.  Does any of that stop me?  Hell no!  Especially not now that I have this newfound perspective on things thanks to Adina’s wonderful blog post!

So- How about you?  What goals do you have that could hurt your heart if you don’t achieve them?  What goals are you afraid of setting for that same reason?  How many times in your life have you shied away from something that might be extremely risky for you because you were afraid of getting hurt.  Of failing?  

Well- I’m here to challenge you to give your heart a chance to get stronger just like you do for the rest of your muscles in the gym each week.  Take those risks!!  Create an opportunity to become stronger in every way.   Your heart is the strongest muscle in your body, you know.  It can take it.  Don’t be afraid.  Come on- isn’t it time your heart got a chance to get in the game?  

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what makes people the way that they are.  Some people are positive and mostly happy and like to focus on the good things in life.  Sure they get down, and even talk about it or complain occasionally.  BUT- they spend most of their time focusing on the good and trying to do things to make the world a better place- even in teeny tiny ways (like NOT giving the slow cashier or the annoying person ahead of you in line a hard time).  The believe that they can have a positive impact on their own lives and even the lives of others and live as such.  

Then there are those that spend much of their time being negative.  Complaining about things, bitching at other people and putting negative energy out there.  I know some people like that, and it is not fun being around them.  Instead of being grateful for what they do have, all they can do is focus on what they don’t have.  Instead of working to make their life better, they complain about their crappy lot in life and cry about the hand "fate" has dealt them, wishing for things to be different instead of taking action to make them different.  Doing this occasionally is one thing…. I think we all go there from time to time.  But some people can’t seem to do anything else BUT whine and complain.

I wonder why some people are mostly one way while others are mostly the other way?  Nature?  Nurture?  A combination of both?  Can someone decide to be a different way than they have been?  So if you have been a pretty negative person or tend toward negativity can you just decide not to be anymore?  Is it like the heavy person who decides to change her life and get fit and healthy, or the alcoholic who decides enough is enough and finds sobriety?  It may not be easy but it can be done?

Have you ever heard the expression "there, but for the grace of God, go I" ?  I am so thankful that I am a mostly positive person.  OF COURSE I have bad days.  I do things I don’t feel very good about on those days, like yell at my kids when maybe I shouldn’t.  I complain occasionally (especially lately about my BACK!!!), and doubt myself and my place in this world and my impact on it.  BUT- most of the time I don’t complain, I don’t bitch at others and I do try to leave good things in my wake.  I do believe I can have a positive impact on my life and definitely believe in my own power to change things or my ability to work hard to make things better.

What about you?  If you sit back and make an honest assessement about yourself, what do you see?  Do you have a mostly positive or negative impact on those around you?  Do you keep to yourself or do you try to put something good out there for others to see, feel and experience?

Don’t get me wrong- I am totally not the touchy feely type.  I don’t hug everyone (although for some reason I do hug more than I used to).  I don’t even say hello to everyone.  I am outgoing, but not in your face.  I don’t preach or stand on a soapbox and I definitely don’t think my shit don’t stink.  I make mistakes, big and little.  Sometimes my wake is rocky and not as positive as I would like it to be.  Luckily I was born with a brain that can learn and I take advantage of that!

I guess with things in this country (and world) being so tough and scary right now I have found myself thinking about this a lot.  I think outlook and attitude play such a huge role in a person’s ability to cope and survive.  I just wonder how many people think about these things too.  

Tonight I plan to go to the gym and train the shit out of my legs.  My back is still bothering me a lot, but like everything in life, that is just one little part of what is going on with me.  I won’t let one little thing destroy everything else (or even one big thing, or multiple things… nothing causes complete and utter destruction unless you let it).  I will find a way to live with and work around anything in my life that is not quite going the way I want it to.  Cause that’s just how I roll.

Maybe this is better posted in a forum as that might get more traffic than my little blog…. or maybe there is a forum post on this (note to self: search the forums!)….

But…. I’ll post here anyway since I can and am already here….. for those of you who have competed, are training to compete or are just thinking about the possibility of competing someday, what are some of the best pieces of advice that you have received related to competition?  What is something that you would tell someone you are training that you hope they would apply to either their training or dieting?  If I were on my knees clinging to your ankles and BEGGING you to please help push me down the road to my competition with some advice what would you tell me in order that you could then run very fast away from my crazy self once I released you from my vicelike grip (200+lb deadlifts will do that to your grip you know)?  

Seriously- I am training hard.  Not sure I’m training as smart as I could be, but balls to the wall, heavy and hard, that I have going for me in spades.  I need to clean up my diet- yes.  I mean, I am eating clean, but possibly a bit too much and too high in carbs (though I am bulking right now and they are mostly good carbs!).  But given that I am now 8 months from competition (32 weeks)… if I were you and this were YOUR first ever competition with a long way to go…. what would you be doing right now?

Thank you soooooooo much in advance!!  Now I’m off to do more forum and blog searches on this topic…… la la la la la!!

I get to work out at Gold’s gym tonight!!  I am so flippin’ excited!!  Not THE Gold’s…. but A Gold’s nonetheless.

I can’t even tell you how pumped I am- for MANY REASONS!  The biggest being that they have FREE childcare.  Over the last few weeks I have missed working out at the gym more often than not because the kids’ Dad is super undependable (good thing I have a pretty solid gym in my basement with lots of heavy weight- although working out alone is NOT even half the fun of working out with my favorite workout partner).  He is supposed to take them Monday night, Thursday night and either Friday or Saturday (we alternate every weekend).  He hardly EVER makes his Thursday nights- has missed quite a few Mondays and last Friday.  He drinks and just can’t stay sober.  I go to the gym on the nights he has them.  And because the gym I belong to is just one of those small 24 hour things with no amenities like childcare when he flakes out on me then I can’t go.  I am so tired of depending on an undependable person so it is time to find a place I can workout whether he decides to be a Dad or a drunk.

That and Golds is king shit for a bodybuilder- right?  I mean- there are TON’s of local bodybuilders that work out at this particular one.  They have EVERYTHING as far as equipment goes (and my little gym sadly, does not).  Maybe I won’t be quite the gym freak at Gold’s as I am at mine (though that really is OK with me- I like drawing wide eyed stares when I lift the weight that I lift).  

Anyway- I just had to share!  I’m bouncing around in my seat at work and can’t WAIT for the day to end so I can get there!  I just wish they were as cheap as my little gym

Sleep is something that I never ever get enough of.  Seriously.  If I get 6 hours of sleep in a night it is a miracle.  This bothers me SOOOOO much that I decided to blog about it.

See- everything, and I mean everything I read talks about how important getting enough sleep is in both losing body fat and gaining muscle.  If you get too little you produce too much cortisol which promotes fat gain.  If you get too little your body cannot fully recover or produce the HcG that your mucles need to grow to their full potential.  The magic number is 8 hours.  This information is everywhere and seems to be universally believed.

What I want to know is who gets enough sleep at night?  I really try.  Really- I do!  I tell myself each morning that tonight I am going to bed by 10pm.  This- is a pipe dream, my friends.  By the time the kids are down for the night and I’ve finished my misc things I need to do and spent time with Chad it is often midnight.  I just can’t figure out a way to get everything done before midnight.  I don’t want to give up alone time with Chad….. that is way too important to me.  I don’t want to spend all the time I have with the kids doing other things and not giving them any attention (which I end up doing a lot anyway).  What’s the solution?  I have already cut my computer time WAYYYY back.  I have stopped reading at night all together.  Still I can’t seem to carve out enough time to add more sleep in.  I’ve even stopped my AM workouts and started working out at night with the kids (which results in much less intense workouts a lot of the time because of the constant interruptions) just to get that extra hour of sleep in the morning.  I’m gonna have to add those AM workouts back in once I start my cut for the October contest and then I’m gonna be in worse straits about this.  BTW- 10pm isn’t even early enough if I work out in the AM.  I would have to be up by about 5am to be able to get in 45 minutes of cardio in the morning and that’s if I haul ass.  

I’m not really looking for a solution here.  I know that I am gonna have to really sacrifice if I want more sleep.  Pure and simple.  Like I said before- I am a solutions girl.  A problem solver.  I can solve this problem- not HAPPILY- but I know that if I want more sleep SOMETHING is gonna have to get less.  Period.  The reason I wrote this is because I just want to vent about it for one.  For two- I just want to hear from people how they feel about this.  Does anyone really get 8 hours of sleep most nights?  If so- how do YOU do it?  If not- how do YOU feel about it?  Do you believe 8 hours is that important?  Because I was doing semi-ok prior to reading about this everywhere.  I wasn’t really all that rested- but I was pretty happy with 5 or 6 hours.  Ignorant or oblivious I would get up at 4:45am to work out in the morning.  I would have my caffeine pills by the bed and swallow one the minute my alarm went off.  15 or 20 minutes later I was raring to go.  Then I read about this sleep thing and started wondering if I was actually UNDERMINING myself by doing this.  I mean- I sure wasn’t seeing the progress I wanted to see even though I was working my ass off.  Could sleep (well, lack thereof) have been the coup de grace?  

And most importantly to me.  Those of you who have either acheived your fitness goals or are close- ESPECIALLY YOU COMPETITORS!!!  DO you get 7 or 8 hours of sleep?  Or have you been able to do all this with less?  Because honestly- that is what is making me freak out a little here.  I just want to know that I can still do this if I am only getting 6 hours.  Or 5 (which is often a more realistic number for me).

PS: I am so obsessed with this bodybuilding thing I guess I was talking about it in my sleep last night.  Seriously.  I DO eat, breathe and SLEEP it!

Please let me know your thoughts on this.

I was reading some new blogs tonight trying to keep my motivation high and learn a few new things and what someone wrote struck this thought in me.  How do you decide if what you are reading is fact or fiction?  When someone puts some information out there, do you question it or if the person "seems" sincere and legitimate do you just take it for gospel?  What about something that you’ve read somewhere before?  Because you’ve seen it in print more than once does that make it truth?  Or at least truer?  More plausible?

There is so much information out there- about everything, really- but especially in this industry.  Whether it be about how to lose weight, what supplements to use, how to put on muscle, when the best time to work out is, what are the best things to eat or the best macro nutrient ratios, or the best food for your "body type"…. I could seriously go on and on for pages here.  How in the world do you filter through all of this?  Who has the time to "trial and error" everything in every area?  

This to me is the ULTIMATE question- at least for where I am in my life right now.  See,  I am a solutions oriented/problem solving type of girl.  If I have a question I like to find the answer or fix the problem PRONTO!  I want to have a plan, an itinerary, an outline.  But this has me scratching my head with the most educated and ignorant of them.  What burden of proof do I place on the author before I will take his/her advice?  What about you?  How many times have I tried something because someone suggested it and I just wanted a quick, simple fix or answer (more times than I really want to admit)?  How many hard earned $$ have I spent on supplements over the years- with no real proof that they were gonna work (or WORSE- that they wouldn’t harm me?)?  Just because the supplement company had billions to spend on clever advertising (MuscleTech’s of the world).

Anyway- just something I was pondering tonight.