scorpion42’s BodyBlog

I Read a blog recently that really hit home for me.She was saying exactly what I have been feeling.

Recently I have faced all kinds of inner Demons,mental,physical and emotional. Major doubts have entered my mind.

"Just give up now and go back to the old ways,back to my nice comfortable life".Then I realize it wasn’t nice and comfortable.That’s why 12 yrs ago I made the change because I didn’t want to be the over weight mom,the mom with the square butt,no waist,looking older than I was.Why am I now after 12 yrs having such a tuff time pulling myself together! I’ve fallen off the food wagon before a couple days here and there.And I must admit I feel as though I’m getting back the fire I used to have in my tummy.The training is not where I mess up .I definately train hard.As I’m writing this I’m trying to work it out in my head.An ya no what! What always nags at the back of my head is feeling like I can’t be involved in social  gathering  because it always involves food,which then leads to (I know call me crazy") But i’m just laying it out.My kids bum out ,my husband bums out, my MOM,yes even mom."Oh just have a little ,live a little enjoy yourself" Ahhhhhhhh!!And then when I don’t eat it I feel like  a bad mom ,bad wife… cause I get why can’t you just let up for this one time..mom…wifey….Because if I do, I can’t reel myself in,THAT"S WHY!! because I start saying "Well I’ll just eat bad today(Now that I’ve let the inner beast out")Then I eat till I’m sick because I’m going to shut myself off tomorrow…… and then tomorrow comes and I can’t shut the  beast down and then the next day ,and the next and then it’s 10 lbs up and I’m pissed off.They don’t get it.And then I just feel bad about it all. So how do I fix this crazy cycle  I’ve fallen into ?HMMM

Ok,I’m going to embrace my voluptuous side till the  1st of Janurary.I’m always fighting this battle of "I want more muscle,I need to be really lean"Constant battle.So I’m definately going to keep eating clean,but give myself a cheat day on Saturday(And not beat myself up after I do it).Add more carbs during the week so I have more energy to lift heavy.Thanks again to Mr Montana and the words of wisdom he left for ( Christina) Hwy 2 hottie.It really helped me put things into perspective.I was starting to lose the passion I had always had  for exercise and eating well.It was because I lost direction and was driving aimlessly with  out a clear plan.I haven’t downloaded any knew pics in a while mostly because I felt  I was not good enough.I am ! I work hard and have been thru alot of peaks and valley’s in the past couple of years and I still got up every day and went to the gym .So I’m hoping to post my voluptuous side this weekend.:)

It was my Birthday,I ate cake.I feel like s@#%.The END

Had another hit about 4wks ago so needless to say the show is off. The past few weeks I’ve drowned my sorrows in  bad eating.Obviously that did not help the cause.I  pulled my self together and I am setting my sights on spring.I really have to stop being so hard on myself.I’ve never had to pull out of a show before so failure  didn’t set well with me.I’m working on a knew game plan.Part of it is to see that as important as fitness and health is to me I also need to to have a healthy attitude towards set backs ( Cause Lord knows they keep on coming)LOL.I thought about  just quitting!  the workouts, the diet all of it,but would I be happy then? Hell NO!!!!This is so much a part of me.It starts my day off.At the end of my work out I feel so energized,so freakin  happy!! Why would I give that up? Crazy girl!Keep dancing  girl and find the right groove.Your not a quitter ,just a little beatup.Get a band aid and  just keep moving forward

6 wks out! I think I’m going to make it.I was going to give it to the 12th of Sept if I didn’t see what I wanted to see then I was just going to keep on working and do a show next season.I got up this morning and I was like "YES"!!!!I’m so HAPPY:)It looks like I’ll make Oct 10th YEHA!!!

I had another amazing leg workout this morning .I want some kick-a$$ legs! Yup that’s the plan!!Love that feeling of knowing that you gave 100% .That tight ,burning ,wobbly,leg feeling will bring incredible gains.

This morning while I was at the gym ,a girl that I haven’t seen in probably a year came in.She used to be an early bird like myself, But now I guess goes to the gym later in the morning.I was sooo tired that I decided to get a couple extra hrs sleep and go in later.Well anyways,I’m on the stairmill(Sparkie I think of you and level 18 amazing!!)and I get the hairy eye ball .I’m not bothered by it,it actually makes me giggle to myself.Each person she talks to  I get more hairy eye ball.It actually makes me feel bad  for her to think that she has so little confidence that she does this .It doesn’t bother me I work too hard and know who I am and I’m proud of what I see.All it  does is make me stand taller and walk like a peacock.hehe.I remember when I was pregnant with my 3rd child.(I’m at the gym  mind you).I here someone say "wow T is gonna have  a big baby"She’s all,"that’s not baby  that’s fat"Well,well Miss Darby "How Do Ya Like Me Now"Confidence is key!Some times I have to reel it in,not often though. 

I gotta get some knew pics up.Pretty proud of my legs these days really beating the crap outta them over the past couple of months and I think I’ve made a significant change in them especially the lagging Hams.A picture tells a thousand words so I guess I need to bit e the bullet and get to it .CHEESE!!!

Damn soooo hungry today.I hate that!! So focused though,just need to stay busy so I don’t watch the clock  wondering ,hmmmm ,time to eat yet "Not yet girl " Only been 20 min.AHHH!!! Makes it for a long day.I can do it.There’s another girl out there dieting for the same show remember that T".Lean ,mean ,machine….lean,mean ,machine .Just keep saying that"

Just need to say it and then keep pushing.Today I’m feeling a little frustrated so i figured if I just vent a little .My workouts are  intense my diet is perfect and I’m feeling like things just aren’t changing at the rate I would like . I want to do this show soooo bad.I want to look amazing and do well.I know we can be our own worst critic,but still.I’m not giving up I guess it’s just one of those days.Maybe tomorrow my legs wil look better ,My shoulders will  look better.Everything  will look better because it’s a knew day and maybe my magic mirror will tell me what I want to hear."Mirror Mirror on the wall" LOL.I just needed to say it.