sborton84’s BodyBlog

Though I walk through valleys low, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Psalm 23

It seems as though most of my life has been propelled by fear. The reason I strive for perfection is because I’m constantly afraid of failure. The things that scare me the most are: following a creative path, coming to peace with my body (if I come to peace with myself, what if I just keep growing FATTER!!?), and living life according to what I was designed for.

Why is it that the things we know we are capable of, the things that we would feel most rewarded for - are the things we’re most scared of? Am I full of crap or is this the truth? As a little girl I could have told you my dream was to be a musician. At 22, my only dream is to have a nice body. Isn’t that sad? Seriously. A great body is an awesome, amazing accomplishment. But, achieving that has been my life long obsession. It is something that torments my mind. Getting into amazing physical condition is one thing, but placing it above all other things in life is another. No wonder I am so disappointed. My fear of failure is constantly reinforced by failing. I don’t think I will ever get past this until I accept the fact that getting the body I want is going to be filled with ups and downs.

Sometimes I feel like letting go completely. I am so sick and tired of being obsessed, eating completely lean, working out constantly, and not having any results. It’s like I’m a genetic abnormality, ironically destined to be fat. I might as well be eating shit food, watching reality TV, and be satisfied being 10 lbs heavier. Seriously, working out and eating healthy does not help me lose weight. It never has. My lowest weight was around 120 lbs. about 5 years ago. 120 lbs. and can you guess what I was eating? An fricken apple a day. About 100 calories a day for nearly 6 months. Never lost weight after 120 lbs. So. Yeah. I was absolutely out of my mind and doing all the things an anorexic does - but I never sought counseling since I was in a normal BF range. To be diagnosed with anorexia, you have to have a BMI under 17. I was to proud to admit to being EDNOS.
My thinking is so ****ing negative. It’s this damn depression - I hate it so much. "I’m sick of tired of being sick and tired." so to speak. Please, take me to Key West, hand me a salted lime margarita, some hot wings with blue cheese, and let’s go listen to Jimmy Buffet at the Margarita Cafe. THAT would be heaven right about now.

Now just because I am speaking this way, does not mean I let my depression control my life. I LOVE people, I LOVE my job, I LOVE my husband, and I LOVE working out. I love art and music, socializing, and great drinks. It’s really amazing that I have this condition when I am not characteristic of someone who is depressed.

Anyway, this is such random thinking. I apologize for those of you thinking, "psycho." I have to admit, being neurotic makes life really interesting. And way exaggerated.

Anyway, I need to give my mind some rest today. At least I know that this is just a valley, and that I will come out stronger once I’ve struggled through it.