11/29/2007
I’m finding it really hard to let go of someone that I should and truly need to let go of. I find myself giving out so much of my heart to people, sometimes without much thought, & end up getting hurt in the end. Story of my life.
And as I get older, my skin has grown thicker. This person has hurt me in a way that I cannot describe. Everytime I box, run, do my pushups, military situps, whatever - I picture him. Why is my body looking better? I have this person to thank. Anger fuels my workouts like nothing ever has before.
I sit in my little dress in my membership office, smile at people, say "good day," etc. They think I am so nice, innocent, and humble. I wish I was some of those things - I could use more humility. But lately, my confidence is off the roof. I feel unstoppable. I do what it takes to get this body. What it takes is what some of you would probably consider verging on some sort of eating or compulsive exercise disorder. I have quite the slow metabolism and I eat next to nothing. Literally a couple cans of chicken a day, some celery, and hours of cardio. Box and sprint like a mad woman. Lift weights every day. I don’t care how hungry or how much pain I feel. I love every second of it and I’m completely addicted to doing whatever it takes to get to where I want to be. Pretty close, but this last little bit is going to be the hardest I’m sure!
I don’t believe in holding on to anger…it just makes us weak and say really stupid, sarcastic things. When we’re angry, we don’t think. So I’m using anger to fuel my workouts and it absolutely takes my body to the max. The adrenaline rush is insane. But afterwards, I feel calm. I beat some @ss(well…wish I could…when in actually it was just a punching bag) and feel damn good about it.
Who would have ever thought that this quiet, overweight, self-concious little girl would have turned into a sassy, angry, out-right center of attention, workout-crazed chica?? Life sure pushes us in odd directions sometimes.
I suppose the point to all of my rambling is that I am always thankful, no matter what I’m feeling, for the struggle. The struggle is what makes us strong. Letting go can be a struggle, but everytime I workout, I let go. I am simply myself. Crazy and strong. Pushing as hard as I possibly can. When I’m boxing, I love seeing my heartrate get up to 200 bpm and just stay there for as long as possible. This insanity is what sets me free. I love it. Every moment of the rush.
November 29, 2007 at 2:37 pm
I once heard "TO ACCOMPLISH THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER ACCOMPLISH YOU MUST DO THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER DO" sounds like this is what your doing, I cant say I agree with the eating but you are doing what you have to do and your looking amazing.
November 29, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Just doin what works for me dahlin. Thanks so much!
November 29, 2007 at 2:54 pm
I definitely agree that anger fuels workouts and pushes you beyond your limits more! And as for having more humility - whatever! You worked hard for that body, so own and work your confidence, it’s awesome and super motivating to all of us.
Hope your situation clears up with the toxic friend situation… people should enhance your life, not drag you down.
November 29, 2007 at 3:00 pm
I also thing that anger is a great fuel for a workout, but it shouldn’t always be. What will happen when there is no more anger? No workouts??? I know it feels good, but I would try to replace that feeling with something else so that when you do let go of this anger, you’ll still a that fire in you to push yourself!
Either that or pick a fight with someone close to get you revved up!!
Have a good evening!
November 29, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Ah…I will always workout. I LOVE it! But the anger just takes it to a different level. And if I really wanna go crazy and box for an hour; I can always remember the girls that used to call me fat and ugly as a kid (and now all have 10 different children from different fathers). Thank you so much though. Even though I’m angry about things, I’m also very very happy and love every moment of life. Much <3 to all of you!!!
November 29, 2007 at 3:48 pm
F letting shit go. I still tap into things that made me mad 16 years ago. The anger doesn’t control you, you control the anger and use it in a positive manner. Now if you were cutting out little letters, glueing them to pieces of paper and sending it to the A-Hole then you probobly aren’t in a healthy place.
I agree with the comment above; you look great and have worked hard to get that way, why do need to be humble especially in your own mind?
November 29, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Thank you for that. Awesome to hear those words. You are completely right…F letting shit go…I simply use my anger as fuel - and it works damn well
November 30, 2007 at 1:29 am
WOW, well I’ve heard of using your anger to keep you focused on the task at hand. This is a way has you doing this as a way to get back at those who teased you or looked down at you. Now look at you! My hat is off ta ya chica!
November 30, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Look at this way you took a lot of negatives in your life and turned them to positives. Working out is a great release kinda like taking a deep breath and exhaling all at once. Nice blog…I am sure everyone who reads it can relate to an extent because lifes not even close to perfect and you really have to fight for what you want..
December 5, 2007 at 9:52 am
So how’s that falling off the nutritional wagon working for you? You’ve slipped a little (to say the least) and I really don’t know the depth of pain you must be going through in order to be pushed to this extreme…be careful. I wouldn’t want to see you lose all this amazing progress I’ve seen you sweat for for so long. I’ll keep checking in as you post, though. Amazing progress, overall. After all, that is the ultimate goal, right?
"Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus…and live" -Chris Rice
-AJ-
December 5, 2007 at 10:00 am
This may be my outright favorite post of all time. I needed to hear it today!
Keep up the excellent work! Absolutely stay crazy,…(it’s more fun). Screw humility….it’s overated. Sounds like you had enough of it in your past life anyway. Let your anger work the magic for you. Blessings.
December 26, 2007 at 7:01 pm
You have hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you have said. I use my anger to power myself through workouts. It really clears my mind. But I’m still a work in progress. On a side note, please don’t let anyone, man or woman, make you feel inferior. These bastards are not worth the air they breath. Stand tall, look ahead and keep up the good work. Your abs look amazing. I want those kind of abs too.
Cheers.
February 14, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Anger is good, I agree. I see someone too, sometimes when I let loose at the boxing bag. All that aggression can help lift you to heights you thought you couldn’t reach. And then there’s the other side. Happy moods, and elation and that feeling of effortless, like nothing can touch you, also does wonders! You are doing well, girl. You need to eat more, though (just saying this from concern, so please don’t take offence). I used to water fast for 8 days at a time, and I felt awesome on it. Low calories will only slow your metabolism down even MORE, and you will end up buring what muscle you do have, if you are not careful. Trust me when I say that eating MORE calories, or at least cycling calories, say 3 lower (but not excessively low, not less than 1200 calories per day) and then every 4th day as a higher calorie day (especially with more carbs - but good barbs, if you prefer them to ‘cheat’ carbs), will help INCREASE your metabolism! Respect for what you have accomplished so far.
February 14, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Sorry, lots of typos on that. And a note on the fasting (forgot to add that in LOL). Even though it made me FEEL good (and yeah I still trained hard, far more and harder than what I do now), it certainly DIDN’T help my body at all. I ended up collapsing and doing some serious injury. Wouldn’t want to see you do the same.