Confronting pain, using it as advantage
“Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with you demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson, American Writer, 1945-2005
If there is anything that describes the feelings I’m wrestling with, this quote nails it. There are aspects about me that most do not realize even exist, complexities that no one could imagine, entangled in an array of messy thoughts and heavy burdens. Nightmares so vivid and intense that I wake up flight-or-fight; ready to defend, heart pounding, sweat pouring off my forehead, my senses so on edge that I feel my feet hit the floor before they actually do. Can’t sleep. Down a few pain relievers and wake up exhausted. Drink 3 cups of black coffee in the morning to wake up. Of course, this isn’t close to who I am - not even I know the answer to that.
I remember that this anxiety is temporary. That all pain is temporary, even if it lasts a lifetime. Wrestling with complete exhaustion, I make my way to gym and force out a good 30 minutes of 12 mph sprints and slower jogging intervals. Funny thing is, I want more. My legs feel like they are on fire and I hit squats as hard as I can. Moving on to deadlifts and lunges. Body wants to fall over, but I won’t ever let it. I’m in love with and addicted to pain (sounds like a cheesey 80s love song??).
Working out in an exhausted, sleep-deprived, food-deprived state is quite interesting. Suddenly, my concerns regarding people fade and I could care less what anyone thinks of me. I’m tuned in to my feelings alone, my heart rate, my pain, and the glory felt following. Selfish? Maybe a little. But I feel very little pride regarding myself, knowing that even the most fit individual has room to improve (I am FAR from where I’d like to be). After all, we’re just people. Motivated my simple things like social reinforcers. Money. Compliments. Power. I try to think of my pain as my motivator, my fuel. I want to box it all up and disregard the other reinforcers of this world. Sick and tired of looking in the mirror (and seeing other people do the same thing). I just want to see sweat pouring off my forehead, a look of relentless pursuit and focus in my eyes, and feel my muscles ache with lactic acid buildup. Everytime I step on the track or take my morning run, I want to be unstoppable. Not to anyone else, but myself.
August 15, 2007 at 4:07 pm
That may be one of the best blogs I’ve ever read and it really hits home with me as well. Awesome job!!
August 15, 2007 at 4:09 pm
WOw! This is truly an amazing blog! It’s so passionate and inspirational. Thank you, this really helped me out a lot!
August 15, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Wow
That was incredible
’nuff said
August 15, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Often times, we are our own best competition. If you can’t beat yourself, you can’t beat anyone!
Great blog!
Don
August 16, 2007 at 1:50 am
Absolutely WONDERFUL post.
"I want to be unstoppable. Not to anyone else, but myself."
Truly words to live by.
September 12, 2007 at 6:34 am
Very Poetic. The usual blogs here cover some of the same thoughts and feelings and may even go to the depth you have, but they do lack the substance that your blog portrays.
December 5, 2007 at 9:24 am
"Do whatever it takes to get the job done" is a motto I was browbeaten with when I had one particualr factory job. Not surprisingly, when you’re a big guy, you get manual labor jobs pretty easily. However, in those jobs you learn what it feels like to EARN your paychecks. In those days, sure the money motivated me. But I took it a step further and made it a personal challenge to myself. The harder and faster I worked, the more I got paid. But not only that, the harder and faster I worked, the better I became. Eventually I didn’t compete with anyone else, it was a race out in the lead with only myself.
You see, I’m not in the iron game for anyone else. I don’t do it to pick up girls or to beat the guy lifting next to me. I do it because I’ve got something to prove…to myself. I push because I can and because I have to. My race will never be over and I LOVE knowing that. Nowhere to go from here but up.
-AJ-
February 14, 2008 at 2:49 pm
You are so PASSIONATE, Sara. I am really enjoying your blogs. You are so young and yet there is so much pain and anger in you (sometimes I recognize myself; scary). You are an incredible young woman!