sborton84’s BodyBlog

“Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with you demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson, American Writer, 1945-2005

If there is anything that describes the feelings I’m wrestling with, this quote nails it. There are aspects about me that most do not realize even exist, complexities that no one could imagine, entangled in an array of messy thoughts and heavy burdens. Nightmares so vivid and intense that I wake up flight-or-fight; ready to defend, heart pounding, sweat pouring off my forehead, my senses so on edge that I feel my feet hit the floor before they actually do. Can’t sleep. Down a few pain relievers and wake up exhausted. Drink 3 cups of black coffee in the morning to wake up. Of course, this isn’t close to who I am - not even I know the answer to that.

I remember that this anxiety is temporary. That all pain is temporary, even if it lasts a lifetime. Wrestling with complete exhaustion, I make my way to gym and force out a good 30 minutes of 12 mph sprints and slower jogging intervals. Funny thing is, I want more. My legs feel like they are on fire and I hit squats as hard as I can. Moving on to deadlifts and lunges. Body wants to fall over, but I won’t ever let it. I’m in love with and addicted to pain (sounds like a cheesey 80s love song??).

Working out in an exhausted, sleep-deprived, food-deprived state is quite interesting. Suddenly, my concerns regarding people fade and I could care less what anyone thinks of me. I’m tuned in to my feelings alone, my heart rate, my pain, and the glory felt following. Selfish? Maybe a little. But I feel very little pride regarding myself, knowing that even the most fit individual has room to improve (I am FAR from where I’d like to be). After all, we’re just people. Motivated my simple things like social reinforcers. Money. Compliments. Power. I try to think of my pain as my motivator, my fuel. I want to box it all up and disregard the other reinforcers of this world. Sick and tired of looking in the mirror (and seeing other people do the same thing). I just want to see sweat pouring off my forehead, a look of relentless pursuit and focus in my eyes, and feel my muscles ache with lactic acid buildup. Everytime I step on the track or take my morning run, I want to be unstoppable. Not to anyone else, but myself.

After this last week, I’ll be back to posting more often! Last week of finals and I’m done at WMU So happy about that. I’ll finally have time to really focus on my diet and workouts - and I look forward to finally having "free time" which translates to more time in the gym (What is that, free time, anyway?)

Hope everyone is doing great!