sborton84’s BodyBlog

Though I walk through valleys low, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Psalm 23

It seems as though most of my life has been propelled by fear. The reason I strive for perfection is because I’m constantly afraid of failure. The things that scare me the most are: following a creative path, coming to peace with my body (if I come to peace with myself, what if I just keep growing FATTER!!?), and living life according to what I was designed for.

Why is it that the things we know we are capable of, the things that we would feel most rewarded for - are the things we’re most scared of? Am I full of crap or is this the truth? As a little girl I could have told you my dream was to be a musician. At 22, my only dream is to have a nice body. Isn’t that sad? Seriously. A great body is an awesome, amazing accomplishment. But, achieving that has been my life long obsession. It is something that torments my mind. Getting into amazing physical condition is one thing, but placing it above all other things in life is another. No wonder I am so disappointed. My fear of failure is constantly reinforced by failing. I don’t think I will ever get past this until I accept the fact that getting the body I want is going to be filled with ups and downs.

Sometimes I feel like letting go completely. I am so sick and tired of being obsessed, eating completely lean, working out constantly, and not having any results. It’s like I’m a genetic abnormality, ironically destined to be fat. I might as well be eating shit food, watching reality TV, and be satisfied being 10 lbs heavier. Seriously, working out and eating healthy does not help me lose weight. It never has. My lowest weight was around 120 lbs. about 5 years ago. 120 lbs. and can you guess what I was eating? An fricken apple a day. About 100 calories a day for nearly 6 months. Never lost weight after 120 lbs. So. Yeah. I was absolutely out of my mind and doing all the things an anorexic does - but I never sought counseling since I was in a normal BF range. To be diagnosed with anorexia, you have to have a BMI under 17. I was to proud to admit to being EDNOS.
My thinking is so ****ing negative. It’s this damn depression - I hate it so much. "I’m sick of tired of being sick and tired." so to speak. Please, take me to Key West, hand me a salted lime margarita, some hot wings with blue cheese, and let’s go listen to Jimmy Buffet at the Margarita Cafe. THAT would be heaven right about now.

Now just because I am speaking this way, does not mean I let my depression control my life. I LOVE people, I LOVE my job, I LOVE my husband, and I LOVE working out. I love art and music, socializing, and great drinks. It’s really amazing that I have this condition when I am not characteristic of someone who is depressed.

Anyway, this is such random thinking. I apologize for those of you thinking, "psycho." I have to admit, being neurotic makes life really interesting. And way exaggerated.

Anyway, I need to give my mind some rest today. At least I know that this is just a valley, and that I will come out stronger once I’ve struggled through it.

It’s amazing how disordered thinking follows you around every where you go. Yesterday I was feeling awesome about myself. I worked out, ate great, and was so happy to find out that I passed most of my exams with As.

 I’ve learned that being a perfectionist for so many years has only set me up with disappointment. Losing weight, gaining muscle, and somehow having patience in the process?? Ah. I feel like time is in slo-motion as I attempt to correct the mistakes I made with my body.

Today I ate close to 1800 calories. It is hard for me to eat that much without feeling like a piece of sh*t. What’s weird is that I am still eating at least 500 calories less than what I’m burning. I ate lower than 1000 calories day for too long. I am so upset with modern day dieticians and their low calorie diet B.S. Isn’t it odd though? I’m eating where I should be, yet, I feel guilty? It’s like engraved in my mind that I need to starve. I can’t wait to get rid of "fat day" thinking.

I can’t wait to achieve the body I’ve always dreamed while nourishing my body, eating up to 1800 calories a day, and come out and say - I didn’t need to starve too look like this! In fact, I enjoyed food and I let food give me energy! I even *cheated* at least once a week!

Well after this week of exams, I am so excited for the weekend. If I didn’t have school right now, I would seriously put all my efforts in at the gym. Right now, it’s pretty much fitting in a 1/2 hr. here and there as much as possible. (This morning about 40 minutes on the elliptical and then shoulders and back around 9PM). Even though lifting has put 10 lbs on me, (mostly muscle, but no fat loss thus far) I am so happy with what it is doing for my confidence. I don’t mean like, "oh look at me I’m getting in shape." Not at all. I mean confidence in the sense that I feel like I can accomplish more. Building muscle, eating right, and working your hardest are all relative to life’s valleys. When it seems like nothing is good, or nothing is working, all you can do is keep looking forward.

Aren’t I in a philosophical mood tonight? Huh.

I decided to start a keto diet…mainly since nothing else has been working to bring my bodyfat % down. As of right now, I feel like I could eat an entire pizza, a pint of cake batter icecream, a snickers bar, and some french fries. Not that I ever eat those things, but man…even after a day of dieting my carb cravings have gone insane.

In other news, my week will consist of 3 midterms, a 12 page paper, and a presentation for clinical psych. Eck! Someone save me, plz!!

It’s sad, but I feel like my workouts are way more important than college. I never had senioritis in highschool, I guess now is the time huh?

Tonight I’m off to go shopping! I’m going to stock up on almonds, tilapia, romaine, mozz string cheese, and sugar free jello. I can’t survive without something sweet! I am determined to get my abs to show. If it means eating cheese, salad, meat, and a tear…no oatmeal until Saturday…I can do it. I hope. God, I love my oatmeal !!!!