sborton84’s BodyBlog

I’m finding it really hard to let go of someone that I should and truly need to let go of. I find myself giving out so much of my heart to people, sometimes without much thought, & end up getting hurt in the end. Story of my life.

And as I get older, my skin has grown thicker. This person has hurt me in a way that I cannot describe. Everytime I box, run, do my pushups, military situps, whatever - I picture him. Why is my body looking better? I have this person to thank. Anger fuels my workouts like nothing ever has before. 

I sit in my little dress in my membership office, smile at people, say "good day," etc. They think I am so nice, innocent, and humble. I wish I was some of those things - I could use more humility. But lately, my confidence is off the roof. I feel unstoppable. I do what it takes to get this body. What it takes is what some of you would probably consider verging on some sort of eating or compulsive exercise disorder. I have quite the slow metabolism and I eat next to nothing. Literally a couple cans of chicken a day, some celery, and hours of cardio. Box and sprint like a mad woman. Lift weights every day. I don’t care how hungry or how much pain I feel. I love every second of it and I’m completely addicted to doing whatever it takes to get to where I want to be. Pretty close, but this last little bit is going to be the hardest I’m sure!

I don’t believe in holding on to anger…it just makes us weak and say really stupid, sarcastic things. When we’re angry, we don’t think. So I’m using anger to fuel my workouts and it absolutely takes my body to the max. The adrenaline rush is insane. But afterwards, I feel calm. I beat some @ss(well…wish I could…when in actually it was just a punching bag) and feel damn good about it.

Who would have ever thought that this quiet, overweight, self-concious little girl would have turned into a sassy, angry, out-right center of attention, workout-crazed chica?? Life sure pushes us in odd directions sometimes.

I suppose the point to all of my rambling is that I am always thankful, no matter what I’m feeling, for the struggle. The struggle is what makes us strong. Letting go can be a struggle, but everytime I workout, I let go. I am simply myself. Crazy and strong. Pushing as hard as I possibly can. When I’m boxing, I love seeing my heartrate get up to 200 bpm and just stay there for as long as possible. This insanity is what sets me free. I love it. Every moment of the rush.

I know it’s been awhile since I last posted - but I just wanted to give a big THANKYOU to all of you who helped encourage me throughout this journey. Just yesterday I was feeling incredibly down, hard on myself. It was late - I could have just gone to bed. For some reason, I was incredibly hungry (like binge hungry) and knew it was most likely stress related since I was feeling kinda bad. I checked up on my bodyspace page and voila! Some major encouragement that put a smile on my face and made me so much happier. Thanks to all those of you who have kind words, encouragement, compliments - I appreciate everything. Along with my friends and husband, you’ve helped me progress, change, and realize that temporary suffering is well worth it.

Just got the depo shot today and some lady was telling me how it would make me fat. I mentioned how I actually have control over my appetite…and that hunger pains are part of life. Come on ladies!? I mean yeah, hormones play a role in weight gain/loss, but seriously - have we forgotten that certain medications cause increases in appetite and thus most people lacking control would gain weight?! Not do to x but do an extraneous variable!? Such as excess calories? Anyway, end of rant.

For those of you wondering about my progress, I’ll tell you a few things that I’ve done - pretty simple stuff actually. Dropped my calories, increased my cardio (6-8 miles running a day). I lift a little bit less frequently. I have lost strength and considerable mass, but being the more endo-meso that I am naturally, along with the other losses I’ve also lost quite a bit of body fat…which has always been my #1 goal. I’ve also incorporated plyos into my workouts, more short sprints, jumping rope b/w sets, etc. I try never to stop moving while in the gym and that has definitely helped!
I have a ways to go still - I’m going to say about 8 lbs and I’ll be very very happy. Hopefully, at that point, les abs will finally be more defined!

Much Love and thanks for reading

Yesterday’s workout kicked my butt. I can’t believe the progress I’m suddenly seeing. Odd how a year’s worth of training adds up and all of a sudden you realize what you’ve been working for. I’ve been dropping the pounds by the day it seems, and I’m lost to as why. Well not lost, I have cleaned up my diet, brought up the calories by a bit, and increased my cardio slightly. I think I can probably link the changes to the full-body workouts I’ve been performing about 3x per week. I superset tons of different exercises with sprints in between. What I like? It’s helping me shed body fat. What I don’t? It’s a little bit unorganized. I need to find a way to organize my plyo/full-body oriented workouts and still work each muscle group to exhaustion.

I’m starting to believe less and less in "overtraining." As long as you give your body nourishment and rest, can you honestly "overtrain???" I guess I’m perhaps a little masochistic (kidding), but I do love the feeling of pain during my workouts. It lets me know I’m working my body hard. If it hurts, I want to train harder. As hard as I can until my body is completely depleted. Why? I’m no longer doing this to impress anyone. I’m doing this to challenge myself and test my so-called "limits."

Anyway, I need to find better resources for plyo workouts. I want something that keeps my heart rate up the entire time. I’m not a big fan of skipping around within a 2 ft radius hopscotch pattern. I’m thinking clapping pushups (which I suck at), broad and bilateral jumps, mountain climbers, jumping over a bench (side to side), and squat jumps. I also need more combo workouts (i.e. squat w/ shoulder press, or lunge with oblique twist, etc).

 Any ideas?

“Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with you demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson, American Writer, 1945-2005

If there is anything that describes the feelings I’m wrestling with, this quote nails it. There are aspects about me that most do not realize even exist, complexities that no one could imagine, entangled in an array of messy thoughts and heavy burdens. Nightmares so vivid and intense that I wake up flight-or-fight; ready to defend, heart pounding, sweat pouring off my forehead, my senses so on edge that I feel my feet hit the floor before they actually do. Can’t sleep. Down a few pain relievers and wake up exhausted. Drink 3 cups of black coffee in the morning to wake up. Of course, this isn’t close to who I am - not even I know the answer to that.

I remember that this anxiety is temporary. That all pain is temporary, even if it lasts a lifetime. Wrestling with complete exhaustion, I make my way to gym and force out a good 30 minutes of 12 mph sprints and slower jogging intervals. Funny thing is, I want more. My legs feel like they are on fire and I hit squats as hard as I can. Moving on to deadlifts and lunges. Body wants to fall over, but I won’t ever let it. I’m in love with and addicted to pain (sounds like a cheesey 80s love song??).

Working out in an exhausted, sleep-deprived, food-deprived state is quite interesting. Suddenly, my concerns regarding people fade and I could care less what anyone thinks of me. I’m tuned in to my feelings alone, my heart rate, my pain, and the glory felt following. Selfish? Maybe a little. But I feel very little pride regarding myself, knowing that even the most fit individual has room to improve (I am FAR from where I’d like to be). After all, we’re just people. Motivated my simple things like social reinforcers. Money. Compliments. Power. I try to think of my pain as my motivator, my fuel. I want to box it all up and disregard the other reinforcers of this world. Sick and tired of looking in the mirror (and seeing other people do the same thing). I just want to see sweat pouring off my forehead, a look of relentless pursuit and focus in my eyes, and feel my muscles ache with lactic acid buildup. Everytime I step on the track or take my morning run, I want to be unstoppable. Not to anyone else, but myself.

After this last week, I’ll be back to posting more often! Last week of finals and I’m done at WMU So happy about that. I’ll finally have time to really focus on my diet and workouts - and I look forward to finally having "free time" which translates to more time in the gym (What is that, free time, anyway?)

Hope everyone is doing great!

Hey friends

Sorry I haven’t been around to blog lately. I’m not going to be around much for the month of August. I really have to buckle down and get my internship hours in and get the rest of my college courses completed - and then I’m done (August 17th).

I may be by to post every once in awhile, but I apologize if I’m not able to respond to your comments or check out all the awesome progress each one of you are making. I WILL soon

You guys rock and in the words of Arnold…"I’ll be back."

Feeling: tired

Cardio: morning 3 miles fasted cardio/run 

Squats: 135×12, 135×10, 135×10

Stiff legged Deadlifts: 80×10, 85×10, 90×10

Hamstring curls: 140×8, 120×8, 100×12 (feeling a bit weaker…hmmm)

Leg extensions: 100×12, 90×10, 90×10

Abductor machine: 80×10, 80×10, 80×10

Adductor machine: 80×10, 80×10, 80×10

Glutes: 65×10, 50×10, 50×10 (each side)

Lunges w/ rear leg on a bench (tough!!): 20 lb dumbells in each arm, 3 sets of 10

Perhaps the crappiest leg workout I’ve had in awhile. (Went from being able to start at 160 lbs last week, to 140 lbs yesterday - eck! A decrease of like 13% strength) I never workout this late in the evening though, so that coupled with missing a couple meals (due to a really tight schedule) killed it. Long live morning routines !

5 minute warmup on treadmill (6.5 mph, 12mph, brief walk) 

Well I finished last night off not quite as I had expected - I didn’t get the 45-60 minutes of cardio in that I wanted, but I did get in a very HARD 30 minutes of extra HIIT on the treadmill…

I believe it went something weird like this

Minutes 0-10: 10% incline, 4mph

Min 10-13: 7 mph (no incline)

Min 14-15: 10 mph

Min 16-17: 4 mph

Min 17-20: 6.5 mph

Min 20-25: 10% incline, 4mph

Min 25-27: 6.5 mph, no incline

Min 28-29: 12 mph

Min 30: 4 mph

(I felt like I was going to pass out lol)

For this morning

30 minutes on the elliptical (11 resistance, 20 incline)

Crunches on exercise ball holding a 10 lb weight: 3 sets of 25

Bicycles: 3 sets of 50

Leg lifts: 3 sets of 25

Dumbbell Bicep curls: 20sx10, 20sx10, 25sx8

Cable Tricep  Pulldowns: 60×12, 70×8, 60×10

Cable Bicep Curls: 50×10, 55×10, 50×10

Dips between benches: 3 sets 16

Close-grip bicep cable curls: 60×10, 50×10, 55×10

Skull Crushers: 20sx10, 20sx8, 15sx10 (need to work on going heavier with these…20s were pretty tough)

Assisted Chinups (not sure how to write out the weights for assist…so I just put a minus sign since my bw is constantly fluctuating anyway): -52×10, -40×8, -40×8

Assisted Dips: -35×10, -28×8, -28×8

Rotary Calf: 50×20, 50×20, 90×15

And then calves up a flight of 30 stairs, 12 reps on each stair

45-60 minutes cardio tonight + more abs…or something else